You Don't Own Me
by Unbridled.mind
Summary: When Pollock's away, children will play. The exposure of tightly-held, expensive secrets leads to unearthed truths that compromise positions, relationships and futures. Nic/Antonio Jess/Colin Janice/Pollock Enjoy the journey. Ch 28: finale posted! R&R.
1. Neck Deep

**I'm back folks, why??? I don't really know. Just letting off creative steam, with a fic based four years after the season 3 finale. Antonio is alive and kicking and Pollock's kids, Michael and Chloe, are 16 and 13.**

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Bethesda, Maryland.

"Michael." Chloe called for the fourth time, chasing after him as he strutted through the house sporadically locking cabinets and doors along the way. Her taller, willowy, mousy-brown haired friend struggled to keep up.

"What?" He asked indignantly, surprising her silent friend.

"Are you sure this is a good idea? You know, that they won't find out?"

"Will you keep your mouth shut?" He asked in a softer, inclined to bribery, tone of voice.

She sighed. "Sure."

"Then there's nothing to worry about as long as you and Dharma…"

"Dharma-Sky." The friend spoke up for herself. "There's a hyphen."

"Whatever, stay out of our way."

"Dad'll freak." Chloe reminded him for the third time since they dropped their younger brother off at their maternal grandparents' house.

"So what if he does? We don't work for him remember? Besides, if he really cared he'd be here to stop us instead of kissing the Senator's ass in Martha's Vineyard." Chloe couldn't hide the fear on her face so he placed his hands on her shoulders. "The sooner you learn who comes first the better; he's a selfish climber, always has been, and playing Daddy's little girl can't change that."

Chloe shook his hands off. "This is all you Michael." Michael shrugged his shoulders, slid in his earphones and continued. Chloe didn't attempt to follow him again. She turned to Dharma-Sky who was pretending to daydream. "You don't think it's true, do you?"

"I don't know but they're too far away for you to think about it."

_The morning after._

Hyattsville, Maryland.

Jess woke up to her beeper sounding off and an additional ringing in her ears. She faintly recalled the pulse of House music and the number of Malibu Sambucas she downed the night before and forced her body out of bed. Colin felt around for her and upon realising she was no longer next to him, began to protest. "Where are you going?"

She slid on the pair of jeans at the end of the bed. "911."

"Come back to bed."

"I wish I could. Where's my shirt?"

He had that look in his eyes. "I'm not telling and you're still hung-over."

"Whose fault is that?" She sat on him in retaliation. "Listen McNeil, I'm on the clock, I don't have time for games."

"You used to be more fun; top drawer."

Bethesda, Maryland.

"How is she?" Nicole asked over her transceiver.

"Better, still unconscious but at least I've got a pulse." Antonio answered as he performed CPR on the girl who nearly drowned.

"The ambulance is on its way and so is Jess. She says traffic but we all know what that means. Anyway, you'll never guess what I found,"

"Beer, weed, condoms…?"

"And they call you a nerd. The stupid one who tried to jump the fence dropped his camera."

"Dropped it?"

"Okay, I took it after he fell and sprained his arm. Either way, we'll have a better idea of what happened last night." Michael scowled at Nicole as she walked towards him. "So Genius, what were you thinking?"

Michael appeared nonchalant but it was the high that disabled him from answering her. He couldn't think of anything sarcastic to say quickly enough so he said nothing at all.

They both heard a scream through the transceiver. "Chloe?" Michael called but Nicole stopped him from running.

"We don't know who she is yet."

"Why is Chloe screaming?"

"She found a girl in the pool an hour ago. Let's just say she wasn't swimming."

Michael's face went pale.

"Nic, I found something." Antonio's voice came through, "She's wearing a bracelet. It says 'Sky'."

"That girl," Michael thought out loud. "Darla."

"_Dharma_." Chloe told Antonio. "Dharma-Sky Willows; she's my best friend."

Two paramedics ran across the garden and through Janice's Azalias to take over from Antonio. "How did she end up this way?" He asked and she wore the same expression of fear as the night before.

"So let me get this straight; the neighbours called the police because of the disturbance and noise and they arrived four hours later?" Jess asked, minutes after she arrived at Pollock's house.

"Only because there were so many calls, the police know better than to bother an Assistant Director of the FBI." Nicole replied. "Perfect opportunity for a party like this, no parents, no police,"

"No punishment."

"Exactly. These are Zenith kids anyway, they get away with murder."

Jess wore a puzzled expression. "Zenith?"

"It's a school where the parents run the city, police chiefs, councillors, doctors, you know, self-made successes. The kids mix with the 'right kind' of people…."

"I get it. What I don't get is how a 13-year-old ended up in a pool?"

"Chloe and Michael aren't talking. A friend of mine is running the tape from that camera I told you about."

"Why isn't a White Collar agent doing it?"

"Pollock wants this under wraps."

"He doesn't _know_ yet."

"Exactly, and he doesn't want to know. All we have to do is get Dharma-Sky treated, call her mother and get the kids to their grandparents."

"Then what?"

"Then we go home and say nothing."

Antonio interrupted their conversation. "The paramedics say she's responsive."

"Great." Nicole said.

"No, not great. This is not okay." Jess replied.

"Was it okay when Pollock 'happened' to Sparrows, or when Xavier Redmond was kidnapped in Sao Paulo, or when you shot that guy between the eyes?"

"Nic," Antonio tried to stop her.

"Of course it wasn't, but you know the drill Jess, and this is too personal to get all heartfelt and moral about what we do. Pollock will deal with his family and we'll mind our business and keep our jobs until someone goes missing."

"We can't make them talk without their parents' consent anyway Jess. There are better ways to spend a Saturday."

"Not that we have to tell her." Nicole hinted as they walked away from the house.

"There was _traffic_."

"If that's what you want to call him."

Germantown, Maryland.

Chloe paced around the guest bedroom at her grandparents simultaneously plaiting her hair. Michael was staring at the ceiling as he lay on the bed.

"Michael…"

"Stop. Don't say a word."

"She's my friend."

"That wasn't supposed to happen, I'm sorry okay, she had an accident. You know that right?"

"Are you sure?"

"She had nothing to do with it; I don't know how she ended up there Chloe. I mean it."

"Nothing to do with what?"

"Nothing."

"I'm scared."

"Forget what I said, it was nothing."

"What if someone wanted to hurt her?

"No-one hurt her, look no-one cared about your friend and I didn't even notice she was there."

"My head hurts."

"No-one told you to drink, but I won't tell. Look, it was just a party and she'll be fine. So when they get back, bypass Dad and tell Mom everything was fine. Okay?"

"Okay."


	2. Road Less Thorny

**Chapter 2 for is for Alison, BlindLoveFreeSpirit, EndlessDreamer1024 and dretti and Story101 who I hope posts soon. I have some big stuff coming so I promise here and now that this fic will be a long one. It's making sense to me now. x  
**

* * *

"I can't stop thinking that we should have done more." Jess sighed as she added to the pile of reports on her desk. It was auditing season again; a time when they should have been thankful that mundane administration was all they had to do.

Nicole reasoned from her desk. "They didn't trash the house Jess; there was no property damage or signs of crime."

"What about the tape you found?"

"The visual sucks but the audio is being cleaned up now. What's wrong?"

"I can't explain it. It felt…like something was wrong."

Nicole was about to probe further when Pollock, looking more swollen with frustration than ever, summoned them both to his office.

"We didn't expect you back so soon sir." Jess muttered.

He slammed the door shut behind them. "Nor did I expect to be. I know you encountered my children this weekend."

"Sir-"

"I don't need an explanation Scott. Adelpha Yusuf, 16, is missing. The last place she was seen was my house on Saturday morning."

Jess gave Nicole an "I told you so" look. "Who is she?"

"Her grandfather was a General of the Army in the World War Two; her mother is estranged from the family."

"Why?" Jess asked as Antonio joined them.

"She married an Iraqi; Abdulkadir Yusuf." He answered as he passed her some phone records.

Pollock exhaled. "You'll agree that this investigation is off the books so tread lightly."

"We need to talk to Chloe and Michael." Jess stated.

"I said _lightly_."

"But they were the last people to see her."

"Actually, her kidnappers were, hence the word 'missing'." Pollock retorted.

"Are you more concerned with your kids' involvement than finding her, sir?" Jess asked abrasively causing Nicole to look at her as though she didn't recognise her. Antonio looked away.

"Stay blissfully ignorant Mastriani, for your own sake. Find the girl; that's what I pay you for. Now get out of my office. I have work to do."

Jess rammed her fist into her desk. "I can't believe him. You would think he'd have more compassion."

"Why?" Nicole and Antonio asked in unison and disbelief.

"A girl nearly drowned at his house this weekend. He's a parent."

"She's not his child Jess." Nicole replied nonchalantly.

"So you're siding with him?"

"Look, remember what I told you about Zenith kids? They get away with so much because,"

"Their parents pay off the authorities." Jess interrupted.

"No." Nicole looked over to Antonio. "_You_ explain it to her."

"I'm standing right here, you can tell me…" Jess told Nicole but she wasn't listening. Nicole left the office and listened in on Pollock's private conversation through a crack in the door. "I know exactly who you are. You think you can get away with it and I'll just go away quietly?"

"Quietly not, peacefully yes."

"Don't patronise me John. She could have been hurt; she could have died."

"I understand that and I assure you; she received the best medical care available."

"How did it happen? Why?" Pollock didn't answer her. "Of course you don't know; just leave the brats to their own devices, right?"

"Tread lightly August."

"Here come the threats…"

Jess watched Antonio's worry line appear on his face as he listened intently to the other person on the line. She would have asked what was wrong if Colin hadn't distracted her with pink and white lilies.

"What type are these?" She asked, after smelling them.

"What'd you mean?"

"Are they 'I'm sorry' flowers?"

"Do I have something to be sorry for?"

"You tell me."

"Is this about last night?"

She looked away, pretending she didn't care about whoever it was that interrupted their moment, whoever it was that divided his attention and stole it from her. After spending three-and-a-half years in deep cover Colin came back to her; broken, changed and unlike his old self. A string of ill-fated relationships made her accept him with open arms. Although her mother, Doug, Nicole and the palm-reader on the Potomac told her not to go there she was drawn into him once again. She counted off the last days of twenties on a fairy calendar, dreading the big three-oh and the idea that she may not have anything to show for her three decades on earth other than a stellar solve rate and healed bullet wound.

"Thanks for the flowers. I'll put them in water."

"Jess," He said, reaching for her arm but she pulled away, longing to feel as close to him as she once did.

Nicole handed her a coffee. "What's on your mind? Agent McHottie getting on your nerves?"

"He's hiding something."

"Jess you know there's always a part of a man that…"

"You can't reach, I know."

"You also know that getting involved with someone from deep cover can be toxic, right?"

"Like you and Antonio?" Jess's biting retort wasn't unnoticed.

"If you want to put it like that; then yes. I mastered making men fall in love with me, to exploit them and drop them."

"He's not doing that to me."

"Then what is he doing?"

Jess couldn't explain it. "Antonio's acting funny."

"He just found out Pollock is under investigation."

"Get out."

"Internal Affairs."

"I told you we should've looked into what happened on Saturday."

"It looks like they beat us to it. As for the girl with the hippie name,"

"Dharma-Sky Willows."

"The paramedics found scratches on her legs and alcohol in her blood. The scratches are from Janice's roses. She wasn't pushed either."

"So the kids weren't lying when they said she fell."

"No but they were lying about what they were doing. Now onto Adelpha…"

"Oh." Jess said, just remembering the case file she hadn't looked at yet.

"We know she was at Pollock's from the security camera footage but we don't see her leave in the morning."

"Is the video on a loop?"

"No, Michael and his friends are more technologically advanced than that." Antonio cut in. "It's not an actual loop because the sky colour changes; computer trick."

"So Michael and his friends didn't want us to see how she left or who took her."

"Maybe no-one did." Nicole suggested. "Maybe this is just busy work to distract us from focussing on Pollock."

"Am I the only one interested in finding this girl?" Jess asked.

"No, but if Pollock's on his way out," Nicole said.

"Or his way up." Antonio interjected.

"I don't want anything to do with it."

"She deserves to be found." Jess stated.

"Then have a vision. Let us know this is real." Nicole replied. "Otherwise I have important things to take care of; starting with my two o'clock."

Nicole didn't return that evening, so Jess and Antonio stayed in the office until the sun was long gone.

"What's with her?" Jess inquired as he was about to leave.

"She'll shoot me."

"She's never thrown in the towel like that. Never."

"It's the same Nicole, different fight. She's fine. Still no vision?"

"No, and don't throw me off. I don't know how to deal with her when she's like this or how to be a friend. Help me out."

"Lead the case. Goodnight Jess."

There was a note on her mirror when she returned to her empty apartment.

"_Something came up, _

_Be home soon, _

_Colin._"

For some reason, sleep came less easily after reading it.

Antonio took the magazine from her hand as he got into bed. She wasn't sleeping.

"How was it?" He whispered.

She blinked a few times. "Just hold me, please." He kissed her cheek and embraced her. She squeezed his hand. "You know I love you right?"

"Yeah I know. You don't have to pretend you can deal with it."

"I _am_ dealing with it."

"I mean you don't have to okay with it either."

"Who would be? We've punished each other enough Antonio, she doesn't deserve this."

"I'm not saying she does but have you thought about how it's affecting you too?"

"Would you?"

"I hate seeing you hurt."

"Just hold me, please."


	3. Loving and Losing

**Chapter 3 for is for Alison, BlindLoveFreeSpirit, EndlessDreamer1024, dretti and Story101 who I _still_ hope posts soon. I have so many ideas for this fic and vow to write no less than twelve chapters, many more but twelve for sure. You deserve it. I'm at uni so I'm trying to fit this fic in as well as I can while bringing you the standard of writing that's worth your time spent reading. Thanks. x  
**

* * *

"The night sweats are getting worse Colin, I had to call you."

He rubbed her back. "It's alright; you know I'm here when you need me. Both of you."

"What if he…?"

"Shh, he'll make it."

"What about the test?"

"Now is the time."

"I'm scared."

"Don't be." He hugged her and, being so overcome by his comfort and her leftover feelings, her lips slid across his face to his lips. She softly kissed him. He looked in her eyes and saw what drew him in to begin with. He kissed her in return. "Listen Des,"

She stopped him with another kiss that felt familiar to him. "Don't go."

"I'm with someone."

"I know I should have told l you sooner but,"

"It's not that."

She read him as she always could. "You still love me."

"Of course I do; that's why I have to go."

"I can't sleep. I worry day and night. I watch him every second Colin just in case,"

"Stop." He put his hands on her shoulders. "You can't do what's best for him if you're run down. _I'll_ watch him. Get some rest."

She resigned. "Okay."

He followed her to the bedroom. Ryan was sleeping in a cot four feet away from the bed; beautiful and at peace but his face was clammy. He was lying on his back with his cream baby-gro half-open. Colin stared at the brown eyes he recognised as his own. Desirée undressed in front of her open closet, bringing back his memory.

_Agent Perrault unbuttoned her checked shirt, handed in to him and pulled down the tank top underneath until it became a skirt. _

_"Camera or Kleenex?" She asked in response to his dedicated appreciation of her cleavage._

_"Huh?"_

_"Wipe off the drool or take a picture McNeil."_

_"Oh, sorry."_

_"And give me my shirt back. Are you always this distracted?"_

_"Never."_

_For some reason that made her smile. "You better be on the ball tonight, because once I get that bar fight going we only have twenty minutes 'til the cops arrive. I need to be in the back office and out of there in seventeen. You'll be waiting?" She put the shirt back on and gripped it to her body with a wide black belt._

_"With the motor running, yeah."_

_"Good."_

_He smirked. "You've been to new Hampshire."_

_"How'd you know?"_

_"The 'live free or die' tattoo told me."_

_"That's privileged information."_

_"I bet."_

Desirée fell asleep straight away, not that he could blame her, and he couldn't explain lying beside her either. He got up every half hour to check on Ryan, and spent the time in between observing her and reminiscing. Her caramel skin smelt as sweet and he recalled the taste. Though tempted to touch, his satisfaction came in basking in her for a little longer.

"Morning Antonio." Nina croaked out, not used to having breakfast or being awake and functional so early in the morning.

"Hey, you didn't have to cook."

"I didn't, you know Nicole gives me hell if I don't get a square breakfast and I couldn't stand to hear her mouth. So here I am."

He sat down with her and dished a plate of what they called Nicole's 'Stepford food'. "How are you getting on?"

"I'm fine; that's what I keep trying to tell her. You said you would help her handle it better, what happened?"

"She wants to take care of you, so she won't let me,"

"Take care of her, I get it."

"I can't get through to her."

"You can and you have; just try a little harder."

Colin was sitting on her desk when she resumed working on the Abdulkadir case.

"Hey stranger." She said.

"I'm sorry I couldn't make it last night."

"It's okay. I got your note. Is everything okay?"

"Sure."

"You know you don't have to keep anything from me."

"I know that. You want my help with the missing Army girl and I'm here."

She sighed. "Okay; Adelpha Adbulkadir, 16 years old, Zenith student of Somerset, Maryland, went missing on Friday night or Saturday morning. She disappeared from Pollock's house and attends the same school as Michael – Pollock's eldest."

"Who is she to him?"

"She dates his best friend Jaleel Marshall, student body president and Captain of the baseball team. His parents are O'shea and Christina Marshall; O'shea made his fortune from a domestic alarm system for chairlift users in the nineties. Both parents have no priors. Jaleel was caught speeding last year and served 100 hours of community service. Adelpha was in the car when it happened."

"So her parents hate him, I was that guy. There's not enough motive in that."

"Pollock's stonewalling us where his kids are concerned and I thought of posing as the guidance counsellor but the security measures at Zenith are too tight for that."

"So meet them somewhere else."

"Any ideas?"

"Let's say Michael was at the arcade or Chloe was coming home from her fencing class,"

"If I bumped into them and asked them how things were going, that wouldn't be a problem would it?"

"Not if you're smart about it. Convince them it's better to open up to you than their parents."

"They're 13 and 16; that shouldn't be too difficult. Thanks."

"Don't mention it; just don't get caught."

"Are you coming over tonight?"

"I don't know yet, I'll call you."

"You look tired."

"I am. Do you need me to stick around?"

"No I can track them on my own."

Colin answered a call in the parking lot. "I found the money you left behind."

"It's yours."

"Colin…"

"Stop being so independent and keep it. If it makes you feel better; it's for Ryan, not you."

"I didn't ask for your money."

"Medical bills."

"I get the same healthcare coverage you do, and it takes care of Ryan just fine."

"He's my son; let me take care of him."

"Fine. Maybe we can work something out."

"You name it."

"I'm taking him for an x-ray this afternoon, can you make it?"

"When and where?"

Bethesda North Hospital, Bethesda, Maryland.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, drinking the last of an energy drink.

"It was complicated. I didn't know I was pregnant until my first trimester was over, and when I told my boss and he yanked me from the project the next day. I couldn't tell you because you might have left and ruined the whole investigation...and I was embarrassed."

"Why?"

"I'm not some kid who doesn't know what they're doing or what the risks are yet I made love to you over and over again as though I wanted to get pregnant."

"But you were on the Pill."

"See what I mean? And by the time I came back to D.C. I couldn't reach you, no-one could. Ryan was born in New Orleans; I was surrounded by family and friends but I didn't know where you were. Or how to tell you. Look, I have no regrets and I love Ryan like…" She sighed. "But you're here now and Ryan's not well so…"

"Whatever you need, I'll do it. How long has he been in there? Too long." He murmured.

"Relax." She slips her fingers in between his and leans her head on his shoulder. Her voice was soothing.

"So you had sex?" Nicole asked as she filled out an application while Jess went through Adelpha and her parents' records.

"Yes."

"But you want answers."

"Yes."

"And I bet you didn't get them, did you?"

"_No_. But I don't care."

"You should."

"Why? So he can hurt me? I know what I want and where I stand."

"Do you have what you want from where you're standing? If a man can't give you a straight answer it's because there isn't one. If you want his heart you have to know his truth first."

"What's wrong with you Nicole? One day you're a sage, the next you don't want to do your job, you leave one minute and know everything the next. What is this?"

"I'm not ready to tell you so I won't."

"Even if I can help?"

"You can't. I want you to be happy but running around trying to change a man isn't smart or possible. Find out who he is Jess; then say you love him."

Pollock interrupted them in his usual fashion. "So I'm guessing this leisurely chat comes after finding Adelpha. Solved case file please?"

"We haven't found her sir." Jess stated.

"That's a choice." He replied.

"On my part not Jess' sir." Nicole chipped in, casually.

"That's not entirely true. If I wanted to find Adelpha I would have."

"So what's stopping you Mastriani?" Pollock asked.

"I need to talk to Michael _and_ his friends."

"They're minors."

"I know sir but they're also witnesses."

"Fine. Round up the Zenith kids. As for _you_ Scott; in my office _please_."

Antonio returned from the lab. "Made any ground with Adelpha?" Jess sent him an icy look. "What's up?"

"How did we get here? We never would've opted out of a case, years ago. Not for anything. But look at us; behaving like she doesn't deserve to be found, like she doesn't deserve our best. Is this all there is? When did we stop caring?"

"We still care Jess."

"Do we? Or do we just clock in and out for the cheque? That's what it feels like. I can't even have a vision for this girl."

"You need a break, go home. The newbies can look into it."

Colin arrived at Jess' townhouse with dinner. "I brought Thai."

"I thought you weren't coming."

He kissed her cheek. "How'd it go?"

"I saw Chloe after her gymnastics practice, she said Michael and his friends were playing a Ouija board and shut them out so, she and Dharma-Sky raided Pollock's liquor cabinet, when they weren't looking; which was the whole time. That would explain the alcohol in her blood and possibly why she fell in the pool but I don't see how that has anything to do with Adelpha's disappearance."

"What about Michael?"

"He didn't want to be found; four hours of waiting but nothing. Have you heard that Pollock's being investigated?"

"They told us that's classified."

"DOJ knew before us?"

"No, the DEA knew first."

"Who do you know there?"

"You know…people."

"Then that means we're being investigated too; Nicole, Antonio and I."

"That's not how it works. Seeing as your team is always defying him, it's unlikely that you're involved."

"Then what's their angle?"

"I don't know." He took off his jacket. "But I know I don't want to spend tonight or any other night talking about work when there's so much we could do."

Antonio's attempt at getting through to Nicole resulted in a half-hour argument that proved they were having two different conversations.

"She's Positive Antonio. Do you know what that means? That means that my mother could be taken from me, for the third and last time. Do you know what that means? I'll be alone."

"No you won't."

"Yes I will."

"You have me."

"I want my family."

"I _am_ your family."

"But you're not her. I can't go back to living without her,"

"But you can do without me?"

"It's not a competition."

"Then why am I losing you?"

"I need her."

"I need _you_."

"I need you too."


	4. Lies out, Truth in

**Chapter 4 is here because it, alongside chapters 5 and 6, has already been written. I know FF is is being difficult lately but please R&R x  
**

* * *

"His temperature skyrocketed; I was so scared."

"The doctors have him now; it's okay. Do you know where he got it?"

"My brother came to visit a few months ago, he had a cold and I didn't think it was anything serious. I didn't know."

"You couldn't have. It's taken the doctors this long to find out." Their knees are touching and his arm is around her.

She smiles. "Iron Man."

"That's one of the nicer names you called me."

She holds his face in her hand. "He's gotta pull through."

"He's _gonna_ pull through."

She stands up. "I'm going to the chapel. Let me know if you hear anything."

"Sure."

When Jess got out of the shower, she found Colin's phone ringing on the floor. When it stopped ringing she played the voicemail message. "Colin; I need you to come as soon as possible. Ryan's getting worse." The voice sounded like velvet.

Desirée listened intently to the doctor's instructions on how to administer the antibiotics. Her face changed from studious to distraught when the doctor advised they keep him in the hospital for a few days. Colin talked her into agreeing and took her back to her townhouse. She started packing a bag for Ryan.

"You're supposed to rest."

"I don't like being apart from him when he's like this." Her fingers were shaking.

"You have to." He searched his jacket with his hands. "Did I leave my cell at the hospital?"

"You didn't bring it."

"I could've sworn,"

"I left two messages."

"I only got the first."

"Exactly. Where were you? Okay, what's her name?"

"Jess. Short for Jessica."

"And you never told her about me?"

"No."

"A_nd_ why you went undercover in the first place?"

"I love this job."

"You never told her you loved me; even when you broke up with her? You blamed your job for leaving her?"

"I didn't want to hurt her then and I don't want to now."

"You already have and so have I. Having the best intentions doesn't shield people from life Colin, if that was the case Ryan would be here with us. I know how good we were together and I want you here for Ryan, for me, for us. I know you."

"Really?"

"You'll never stop coming back, so stay."

"I have to get my cell phone, my boss probably called."

"Tell me it's not true."

"Don't do this to me Des."

"Then stop loving me so I no longer see love in you and hope. But you can't so I won't. Tell me it's not true."

She had him breathing heavily. He tugged her body closer; it was fast and powerful and the thought of skin-on-skin brought back torrents of memories that washed over them. They were standing with their feet in a fountain of hot, cold, to-and-fro, tides and lightning bolts, urging them to jump back into the same heat and chemistry it took a moment to perfect. He thrilled her and blood gushed through her veins mercilessly. He craved her and she knew it. The only thing standing between them was their stillness, as though one slight movement would swallow them in. The many names she had for him were at the tip of her tongue. That caramel skin would burn him if he let it. "_Stop loving me…_" he thought, she had dared him in vain. He unbuttoned the top three with his fingers. Below the New Hampshire tattoo was one of Ryan's name. His touch would have scorched her and she held her breath.

"Damn it." He said, proving her right.

Jess was still trying to find Adelpha despite the message that distracted her.

"Don't say I told you so." She said, after filling Nicole in.

"I'm not going to. We don't even know who Ryan is anyway. I heard you've rounded up the kids."

"It's not too late to get in on the case, you know."

"Not a chance. You know their parents will be furious."

"It's never stopped you before. Case in point: Xavier Redmond. It's not like you to be scared off,"

"You have no idea what I'm scared of; pushy parents are the least of my problems."

Jess exhaled. "I hate it when we're like this. You're treating me like it's day one and frankly, I deserve better."

"I'm sorry; I've got a lot on my mind."

"You've also got a friend you can tell anything and I mean anything Nic."

"I know I can. And I will…when I'm ready. Don't worry about me. So, are you going to find out who Ryan is?"

"If I ask, he'll know I was snooping."

"And if you don't?"

"I don't want to think about that."

"Nothing stays hidden forever; you might as well face the truth now so you can decide what to do with it."

"You don't like seeing me with Colin anyway."

"It's not about what I like. You're about to turn thirty, you're not a kid. And to have the life you always wanted, you have to start making decisions now. You don't want to look back at time you've wasted putting your heart into something you shouldn't have. You want a life with no regrets."

"You're talking about the Bureau."

"I _am_ not."

"You are. You don't care if Pollock gets fired or promoted because you're leaving with him, aren't you?"

"This has nothing to do with Pollock and we are not in cahoots."

"So you _are_ leaving? Thanks for the heads up Nic."

"I haven't made up my mind yet; it might not even be my choice to make."

"Well," Jess said, "while your make up your mind; I have some brats to interview."

"Jessica," Colin shook his head as Desirée started again over lunch, "that's a pretty name; it sounds a porcelain doll name."

"She's not."

"Not what; dainty or hollow?"

"Neither. She's the real deal."

"And what am I?"

"Damn good at keeping secrets."

"You know everything you need to know about me and what I know about you,"

"Could fill the Library of Congress."

"Exactly. We fit together."

"It was…so Ryan comes home tomorrow?"

"Amen. I'd like you to be here."

"Des,"

"Colin, if you didn't want to be around me; you wouldn't be here. I'm not gonna let you play the 'nice guy' and lie about your feelings. Some things are more important than making everyone like you. It takes integrity to understand that."

"So I lack integrity?"

"If you'd rather deceive than be honest and have what you want, then yes. So choose; Iron Man or mouse?"

Jess started her interviews with Jaleel, Michael and Chloe.

"What happened the last time you saw Adelpha Abdulkadir?" She asked Jaleel, while pouring him a glass of water in the bullpen.

"Nothing, we were just hanging out, you know."

"What were you doing?"

"What teenagers do, Agent. I don't get why I have to be here. Look, I know her parents don't like me that much but I made a mistake. I was a freshman; that doesn't mean I don't care about her."

"Was Adelpha acting differently, was she jumpy, scared?"

"No, she was just like she always is. She had a good time."

"How do you know?"

"I just do,"

"How?

"She said she wanted to…" he hesitated answering, "are they gonna find out?"

"Who?"

"Her parents."

"It depends. She wanted to what?"

"She was ready."

"Oh. And?"

"She went to the bathroom and never came back."

Jess sent him home and took Michael into the interrogation room. "What happened the last time you saw Adelpha Abdulkadir?"

"I said hey, she said hey and then she made out with Jaleel. Just like always."

"What was she doing at the party?"

"Making out with Jaleel, dancing with Jaleel, get the picture?"

"Was she drinking, smoking or taking drugs?"

"I don't know but if she was with Jaleel, she wasn't."

"How do you know?"

"The Baseball team take regular piss tests; that's why."

"Was she acting differently?"

"She was as nosy and annoying as usual."

"About what?"

Michael clammed up. "Nothing."

"About what Michael?" She repeated firmly.

"Nothing. She was the same, okay?"

"No Michael, not okay. It's obvious she got under your skin that night. Your jaw is clenched, you're getting irritated and it makes me think you not only know who took Adelpha but why. And if you do, and I know you do, then withholding information is not _only_ bad for you but dangerous for her. Why do you want to see her hurt?"

"I don't."

"What did she do?"

"Nothing."

"Then what did _you_ do? What made her so nosy and annoying that she disappeared? You know don't you? Of course you do. Why else would you edit the security camera footage at home?"

"What?"

"We know about the Photoshop edit Michael."

"I didn't,"

"You know who did."

"I don't."

"You _know_ who did. Who?"

Pollock buzzed in and took Michael out of the interrogation room, enraging Jess. He took Chloe home with him before they could speak again and Jess stormed into Antonio's office to let off steam. Used to hearing women sound off, Antonio tuned her out until she fell against his desk and went to 'that place'.

"What'd you see?" he asked, borrowing Nicole's trademark question.

Numbers." She rubbed her temples. "That was intense; my head is pounding."

"What numbers?" he asked, writing them down.

"9, 3, 8, 5, and 0."

"In that order?"

"They were written on a wall in blood; that's all I've got. Nothing to help Adelpha, no clues about where she is…"

"Hold on. They might be coordinates, or parts of an address. Sit down; you look terrible."

"Thank you, oh caring one." She held her head. "Where's Nicole?"

"She had something to take care of. You need to take it easy; maybe you should go home, even for a few hours."

"I can't…" Jess was about to protest when the phone in her jacket rang; it was Colin's and she hadn't returned it since hearing the message. "Do you know what? I think I will catch some Zs after all."


	5. Why I’m here, When I’m here, If I’m here

**Chapter 5 is here because I wanted to post it. Please R&R x  
**

* * *

Antonio woke up disorientated. He couldn't remember the previous night; the tireless dancing at Habana Village, how the smell of Hot Couture transferred to his skin, and the whip appeal she put on him; he decided that whatever happened must have been good and the only thing to shock him back to full consciousness was the sight of Pollock, at their front door.

"Cortez, Janice and I had a rude awakening and I thought you should know."

"Nicole's still sleeping."

"I've been suspended."

"Errr…coffee?"

"No thank you. I always wondered what this place looked like; it's nice."

"Thanks. When'd you find out?"

"At 2.30 this morning. The Inspector General asked me to step down voluntarily."

"This is only temporary, right?"

"_Dum spiro, spero,_ Agent."

"You look troubled sir."

"There are things in life I can't control; I still don't understand why."

"Life isn't a game for one."

"Neither is family. Now I know you and Scott have been keeping your distance from this case but I need you to get on it as of now."

"Nicole won't budge; she has a lot on her plate."

"Mastriani needs your help at least…and so do I."

"Why sir?"

"Michael is in trouble; I'm not the only one being investigated. Before you ask; I have friends at Internal affairs who alerted me."

"Which is why you didn't let Jess drop him."

"Exactly. Now I may not be in control but I've always prided myself on protecting my family."

"But _commodum ex iniuria sua nemo habere debet_, not even Michael."

"As Horace said, _culpam poena premit comes_. I can't control that either."

"What do you want from me?"

"Find the girl; I'll take whatever comes next."

"Fine."

Pollock looked around again. "It always struck me that someone with so much love to give wouldn't have their own children."

"She didn't want to fail them."

"She's smarter than I am."

Bethesda, Maryland

Janice knocked on Chloe's bedroom door and got a sluggish teenage response in return.

"I'm not going to school today; I'm sick."

"Chloe," she said as she sat on her bed, "I need to know what happened last weekend."

"I already told you."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Then where is it?"

"Where is what?"

"The Ouija board."

"I don't know, Michael hid it."

"There isn't one is there?"

"Mom,"

"Chloe. I'll get the truth out of you one way or another. I need to know. Now."

Chloe gave in. "Michael gets calls. They make him act different."

"How?"

"He keeps secrets and won't tell me anything."

"Anything."

"Nothing. I swear. He said it's better if I don't know. Is he in trouble?"

"That's what I need to know; just how much."

"Mom, I swear I don't know anything else. Where's Dad?"

"He's around, but he's not here now."

"Is he really fired?"

"It's complicated."

"Is it because of me and Michael?"

"No. I don't know Chloe."

"Dharma-Sky's back home now,"

"Good. I'm glad,"

"She can't come over here anymore."

"We'll deal with the empty bottles later. Right now, I need you to stay with me. Starting with entertaining Josh."

"I don't have to go to school?"

"Not today."

Diagnostic Health Center, Waldorf, Maryland

Dr. Riabovil invited Nina and Nicole in after a half-hour wait. The hospital smell still made Nicole nauseous but she held it together as it was her first time accompanying her mother and she felt compelled to act stronger than she felt. Nina took off her Ray-Ban sunglasses and cut to the chase.

"So what are the results Doc?"

"Your CD4 or T-helper cell count is lower than before. I'm sorry Nina but I think it's time we looked at treatment."

"How low is it?" Nicole asked, putting Antonio's extensive research to use.

"400 per cubic millimetre."

"I thought you'd wait until it was 350." Nicole replied, trying not to look at Nina's face.

"The next test is in three months and there is a likelihood of it dropping by then, so it's time to look at ARVs – Antiretroviral treatment."

"I'm not taking twenty pills a day."

"I'm not saying you have to but we can prepare; find out how you respond, if you're resistant and how much you _may_ need. You're at Stage 3 Nina; Symptomatic HIV infection."

"Which means?" Nina asked, twisting her pearls around her finger.

"Your immune system is weakening and you're more susceptible to illness. You have to fight fit so we can manage your status as best as possible."

"And if I don't?"

"You will." Nicole insisted.

"What if I don't Doc?"

"It depends on the circumstances."

"Worst case scenario; spit it out. I want to know what I'm dealing with."

"Then it may progress to AIDS but we're going to do every thing we can to prevent that. All of us. Aren't we?"

Nicole looked her in the eyes and saw her fear. "Of course we are, right?"  
Nina swallowed and whispered. "Right."

Bethesda, Maryland

Janice's smile instantly became a frown when Michael came through the front door. "Take Joshua to his room." She told Chloe who took one look at Michael's bloody nose and bruised face, and gasped. "Go." She repeated authoritatively and wrapped some frozen peas in a tea towel. "What happened to you?" She put the ice pack on his face and made another.

"Jaleel spazzed. I was at my locker and he just wailed on me."

"Why?"

"Are you saying it's my fault?"

"Don't talk to your mother like that."

"Why would your best friend turn on you like this? Jaleel's a decent boy."

"And I'm not? He's convinced I know where Adelpha is."

"Do you?" Janice asked, putting another ice pack on his face.

"No. She gets on my nerves but I don't want her dead."

"Michael, why would you say something like that?" Janice looked at him as though she didn't know him. "Who wants her dead?"

"No-one."

"Michael," Janice warned, "there are only so many lies I can stand to hear from this family and I've reached my limit. That girl's been missing for five days straight; no ransom, no contact, no sighting. So you're going to tell me what you know or else,"

"Or else _what_?" Michael shouted in her face; Pollock instinctively slammed him against the nearest wall.

"John!" She exclaimed. Pollock let go.

"I'm leaving; you'll find me at Grandpa's."

"Like hell you are." Pollock snapped.

"You're not going anywhere Michael. Not until we hear the truth." Janice reasoned.

"I'm not telling _you_ anything."

"You. Will. Talk." Pollock was crimson.

"Not. To. You."

"Then who Michael?" Janice asked, holding Pollock's chest back with her hand.

"Jess." Pollock walked away and Janice cleaned Michael's face in silence.

Alexandria, Virginia

"She wanted to be alone." Nicole said as she fell into his arms. "I don't think I can."

"You don't have a choice. I'm always gonna be here for you; even when you can't stand me."

"You mean every other day?"

"You said it. Amantium irae amoris integratio est." He punctuated it with a forehead kiss.

"It sounds better in Spanish."

"So do you."

_"No hay amor perdido entre nosotros_," she whispered, "_pero este temor que tengo me abruma mucho_."

"That's why I'm here."

"I don't want her to go. I love her too much to just…"

"Don't think that way,"

"I've loved her too hard and too much to see her just go." Nicole squeezed the last word out with a tear. "When I was a kid I used to think if I was the best then she would come back to me, and when she went back to jail I thought it was because I hadn't done enough, tried enough to make her want to stay."

"I know."

"So I built all of this so when she saw the life I'd made it would be enough for her to never leave me." She bit her lip and her eyes started stinging.

"You never told me that."

She sniffled. "It's stupid."

"It's not."

"I'm so scared. I'm scared of losing her when she was just getting to know me. She was just starting to be my mother." Antonio hated to see her cry, but she couldn't stop it and neither could he. "I don't ever want to be alone again and that's why I need you. He took her into his arms again and let the steak burn as she let it out. She stepped back for a moment. "I love you. Tell Jess I'm sorry."

"Nic,"

"Don't, this is what I want to do."


	6. The Good Fight

**I'm in such a good mood that I'm posting Chapter 6 (review Chapter 3 hint hint). Practice safe sex, preserve your life and go to tibotec - hiv . com for more information about HIV/AIDS.**

* * *

Jess opened her door; it was Saturday morning, a week since Adelpha went missing. Colin hadn't shaved or showered and had come to her apartment after a night-long stakeout. She took his cell phone off the wicker stand near the door. "Here."

"Can we talk?" He asked for the first time ever. She shrugged her shoulders and let him in. "How's the case?"

"Unfinished. What do you want?"

"When I went on deep cover I…had a rela…was involved with another Agent."

"From the DEA?"

"Yeah. We were together for two years, on the job, and I saw her. Recently."

"And?"

"And we have a son."

"Ryan." Jess repeated the name from the message.

"I have to be there for my son."

She shook her head. "You have to be there for _you_."

"Jess,"

"Don't. Don't you dare pacify me. Tell me it's not the truth."

"I care about her and I care about you too."

"Do you love her?" He put his head in his hand. "Then what the hell are you doing here?"

"I came to be honest."

"You came to ease your guilt. You think I don't feel it? You think after all these years I don't know you that well? We had _sex_ Colin. You didn't hold me, we didn't make love, I didn't make that face to stroke your ego; we had sex. So thanks for the orgasms, have a nice life and goodbye."

"Jess."

"Stop pulling me into you. I know where your heart is and it's not here."

"I loved you so much I had to lie."

"Well I know now."

"No you don't. I mean four years ago. I was a coward and I didn't want to break your heart. But I'd already fallen."

"Typical Scorpio. I couldn't tame you if I tried."

"You changed me."

"Well I've changed."

"Bye Jess."

Jess let the door close behind him, took a quick shower and headed back to the office. She was driving to PJ Harvey's Good Fortune when Pollock called, asking her to go to Bethesda.

Alexandria, Virginia

Nina flicked through a magazine while Nicole made a fresh fruit smoothie. "I hate Bikram yoga."

"You've never been."

"I've never been to the circus but I know I hate that too."

"You need to exercise."

"Why? I'm losing weight already." She tugged at her loose denim waistline.

"That's not a good thing Ma. You need to keep your strength up; eat right, live right,"

"Bore myself to death."

"It won't go away you know."

"Neither will your nagging."

"Well excuse me for being concerned."

"It's not your problem Nikki."

"You're my mother. You'll always be my problem. Come on Ma, you're at Stage 3; that means your immune system is getting weaker. We can't afford for your T-cell count to fall any lower. So let's do this together and keep you off the meds."

"Will I ever get you off my back?"

"Hell no." Nicole handed her a cinnamon berry smoothie. "Drink up."

Nina cursed under her breath.

Bethesda, Maryland

"State your name for the record."

"John Michael Aramis Pollock."

"What do you have to tell me about the disappearance of Adelpha Jane Mysa Adbulkadir?" Jess asked, putting the voice recorder on the dining room table.

"I don't know who took her but I think I know why."

"Okay. Tell me."

"I was mad."

"Why?"

"He said he'd change when Joshua was born but he hasn't. He's still the same selfish,"

"For the record, who is _he_?"

"My dad, John Ferguson Pollock. He's still puts his career ahead of us, he makes her miserable. By her; I mean my mom, Janice Rose Richardson-Pollock. I'm tired of him getting away with everything, using everyone as pawns, treating us like we work for him. They only had Joshua because she wanted to leave him; he has to control everything. She could've been happy."

"And that made you angry?"

"Yeah. So when he approached me I said yes."

"Who?"

"I don't know his name; the name I've got is a fake anyway. He paid me."

"To do what?"

"To give him phone calls."

"Your father's?"

"Yes."

"How long has this been going on?"

"About four months."

"Did you tell anyone about it?"

"No but Chloe knows I've been keeping secrets. I couldn't tell her. I wanted to keep her safe."

"What happened last Friday night and Saturday morning?"

"I threw a house party because I had to transfer a call that night. Mom and Dad were in Martha's vineyard and Joshua was an Gramps' house."

"How do you transfer the calls?"

"Across a Xilon-P42-HCL wireless server. There are only five in the world."

"So what went wrong?"

"Nothing. He called me asking for calls from his trip. I didn't have them because I wasn't there and I hadn't set it up before."

"He wouldn't take no for an answer?"

"He wanted Dad's number so he could hack into the phone but if he did he would've known where Mom was. So I didn't give it to him."

"Did he threaten you?"

"No but that morning after everyone left, Jaleel called me; asking where Adelpha went and if she got home safe. He thought it was a sure thing but she left him."

"Did you suspect she had been taken?"

"No I thought she was being a tease…until Monday."

"What happened on Monday?"

"Adelpha's dad put Jaleel on blast for not bringing her home on Friday night and holds him responsible."

"Is that why you had an altercation at school?"

"Yes. If you call him slamming my face onto his locker, an altercation. He blames me and he should."

"But Adelpha's parents blame him?"

"Yeah, like they didn't hate him already. That wasn't his fault either. I was speeding and they were in the back seat; he took the fall for me and Dad promised him a recommendation for the Ivy League."

"So what will it take to get Adelpha back?

"I don't know. He hasn't called and I was…scared." He murmured the last word.

"You have to come to the office with me."

"Am I coming back?"

"I don't know yet Michael; cybercrime is a big deal. But I think you owe it to Adelpha, her parents, Chloe and Jaleel to come with me."

Janice walked in. "Where are you going?"

"He has to come with me. No, he has a choice. Michael?"

"Michael, we should talk." Janice said.

"I've got to go."

"Michael," She pleaded.

"I love you, and Chloe, and Joshua." Jess led him to her Jeep Liberty and Chloe watched from her bedroom window, crying for something she couldn't change.

St. Mary's City, Maryland.

"It feels like forever since we went on a date."

"As I remember, we weren't that good at dating."

"Don't spoil it Antonio."

"I didn't mean it like that I just…we were better at other things."

"It wasn't just about sex. We used to laugh so hard; when did life become so serious?"

"When we decided to live for others."

"I guess you're right."

"Look I know you want to take care of your mom but…you're suffocating her. Nic, there are some things you can't fix and running around after her isn't helping. She has to find her own way of dealing with it. So give her some space."

"No." She stated simply.

"Nic,"

"I heard what you said but no. Do you think I'll leave her to her own devices so she can choose death Antonio? She won't fight. That's the story of her life. And I'm not gonna let her just give in because it's easy. I will not let her do that to me."

"Now is not the time to punish her."

"I'm not. My mom has always wanted to be saved, so she never fights her own battles, well not this time. I'm gonna be there; so she can understand what it means to fight for her life and if you don't understand that then you don't understand me."

"I do. But I also know nothing and no-one lives for ever. You don't have to give up, in fact I know you can't, but understand; all the best intentions in the world can't stop what's meant to happen." He tried to kiss her gently but she was too annoyed at his being right to return it.

Bethesda, Maryland

"I tried to make it to the hospital but my boss put me back on surveillance." Colin explained, taking off his jacket.

"No sweat. Ryan's home and nothing means more than that. Do you want to hold him?"

"Sure."

Desirée handed over the drowsy toddler who was trying to make out Colin's face. "Hungry?"

"Since when did you become a domestic angel?"

"Since Hot Pockets were bad for babies. Is that a yes?"

"Yeah. Des," he stopped her before she went into the kitchen.

"Shoot."

"I'm really glad you found me."

"Say that when he pukes on you." She smiled. "I'm glad too."

Washington, D.C.

"Agent Mastriani," Jess heard as a white collar agent shook her awake. She sat up on the sofa in her office and looked at the time; it was two a.m. on Sunday morning.

"Where's Michael?"

"He's asleep in Agent Scott's office. Adelpha Abdulkadir was found in Aurora an hour ago."

"West Virginia?"

"Yes. She's at a local hospital now and the local agents are flying her in as soon as the doctors release her."

"I have to call her parents."

"Already done. As usual, she'll see a psychiatrist on Monday; it's fine for you to go home."

"I can't. Why did they release her? We don't even know who they are or if Michael's safe. I have to speak to Pollock."

"The acting A.D. said you have to go home now and resume on Monday or else he'll suspend you."

"Where was she found?"

"Alongside Route 50."

"Is she okay?"

"She sustained minor injuries, dehydration and hunger. Monday Mastriani."

"Fine."

Michael was sitting with his face in his hands when Jess entered Nicole's office.

"We've got her. We found Adelpha." Their eyes met. He looked away.

"It's not her they want."

"Is it you?" she asked, putting her arm around his shoulder.

He shook his head. "No."

"Michael who is it? Who do they want?"

"I don't know." Michael cried on her shoulder.

"Did you keep the calls?" He nodded. "I need all of them."

"No, you can't."

"Michael, whatever's going on is something you can't protect me or anyone else from. Adelpha's kidnapping showed you that. I need you to trust me and tell me everything you haven't so we can figure out where to go from here." She held him a bit tighter and then whispered, "tell me."


	7. Places I Remember

**Here's Chapter 7 folks, I'm gonna post 8-10 really soon. Thanks so much for reading, enjoying, reviewing and checking up on it! It's all for you.  
**

* * *

"Are you sure you don't want in?" Antonio asked for the seventh time since he started getting dressed.

"I'm positive…I mean certain. This will do wonders for Jess and I'm not in the right mind for it. Go. Be a partner and a friend. I need some time to think anyway."

"I love you."

"I love you."

Washington D.C.

Jess was ordering other Agents around in the bullpen. Other than research on the possible suspects and groups who could have kidnapped Adelpha, the phone recordings were still being listened to, decoded and transcribed. Antonio saw the relief on her face as soon as she realised he was there in the flesh.

"Thanks."

"This _is_ my job."

"Still. No Nic?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I tried. How's Michael holding up?"

"Poorly; he hasn't seen his family in days and I don't think he can face them. Adelpha was moved to the Wheaton Gold Medicare Clinic where a shrink is profiling her for…"

"Stockholm Syndrome, long-lasting trauma, impaired memory and judgement, sexual abuse; I get it. What about traffic cameras? She was found on Route 50, right?"

"Fake plates."

"What about the type of vehicle, similar past cases, established M.O.s for kidnapping?"

"I've been on my own Antonio; don't expect magic." She snapped. "I'm sorry; this is taking a lot out of me."

"How much were they paying Michael?"

"$30000 per call."

"Terrorists or political climbers."

"You got all that from a number?"

"They clearly have huge funds, but they played it safe and didn't go for a round figure like $50000 or $100000. The girl was released without ransom so it was obviously just to make a statement; she was never in any real danger."

"So who is?" She asked indignantly.

He took the case file from her. "And I almost mistook you for Nicole. Stay off the coffee Jess." Antonio took Michael into his office and didn't return for hours.

Although she didn't want Antonio to be right; the wizard had imparted knowledge that placed her in better reach of where she wanted to be. As the ball was rolling the last thing, and distraction, she needed was Colin who appeared worried.

"Hey I heard about the girl. How's it going?"

"Swimmingly." She retorted.

He pulled her aside to where everyone and no-one could hear. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing." She snapped back unconvincingly.

"Visions?"

"Numbers all over again. They're leading me nowhere."

"Look I want you to know I care; I always cared about you and I mean that."

"That's the only thing I'm still sure of Colin."

"What?"

"So you care about me. Whoop de doo. I never had your heart like I thought because it only took months for you to fall for someone else. That's why you weren't there for me like you could have been because you loved her before you stopped loving me."

"You changed me. Believe that, you deserve to be loved, cared for, cherished but I wasn't the man to do that. That's not who I was."

"I thought I was the one you were in love with and to have that taken away from me now, four years after the fact, makes me feel cheated; cheated for believing."

"I can't lie about my feelings for her anymore or how much she affected me. I know now; I want to be a father to my son, to make it work, I'm ready to grow up."

"Maybe I've been hanging on to the last pieces of I was; not wanting to realise that I've changed and I've yet to understand how I've become who I am. But this is me and it's not a bad thing. I have to move forward." She couldn't resist one last dig. "I'm sure if Ryan's yours; you'll make a great dad, excuse me."

Antonio flagged her down as she stormed away from Colin. "What've you got?" She asked sitting on his desk.

"Give me those numbers again."

"9, 3, 8, 5 and 0 written on a wall in blood."

"_Marked_ on the wall in blood. Mark 9:38-50."

"Scripture?

"Even heard if your hand makes you sin; cut it off?"

"A long time ago, yes."

"Mark 9 took Adelpha; a terrorist group or as they call an "anti-establishment" group. Their M.O. involves kidnapping to get attention, usually a child, releasing the victim then setting off a bomb in an enclosed building."

"Great. Where's Michael?"

"Getting his head shrinked. We have visitors."

Jess met August and Dharma-Sky in the children's interview room.

"You look much better than the last time we met. Both of you. What's up?"

August looked at her daughter. "She has something to tell you."

"I saw him take her. The pretty girl."

"Okay," Jess said, "I'll get a sketch artist."

Waldorf, Maryland

Nicole cut up the chicken and leeks while Nina put on the Mahogany DVD.

"You loved this film; you used to wear the video out after school."

"You remember that?"

"Of course I do. You used to wear out that Judy Blume book too; the Margaret one. I knew then you were nothing like me, not my Nikki." She sighed. "I used to think of you and hear Planet Rock; thinking of all the things I never told you."

"I've had enough conversations with my 13-year-old self to last a lifetime."

"Yeah but I didn't. If I could I would tell you you're so beautiful and _so_ strong-willed, _and_ your smart mouth is a gift and a curse."

"I hear you." Nicole went back to the soup she was cooking and suppressed the question she wanted to ask.

"Do you remember when we went downtown to the Art Institute?"

Nicole was impressed. "You know I do. I skipped school and we had chilli cheese dogs in Grant Park."

"And you couldn't anywhere go without hearing Juicy Fruit on the radio."

"Radio? You're the one who woke the neighbours with "I'll be your lollipop" at four in the morning."

"It wasn't all bad, was it?"

"No. When you were good, you were very, very good and when you were bad; you were awful. But _that_ day; was the best day of my life."

"For real?"

"Mm-hmm. I guess I've been chasing that high ever since; hoping something would feel as good."

"But it didn't?"

"Crazy huh? That's how much it…you mean to me and that's why I come on so strong. For all the good times."

"One of these days; you're gonna have to let _me_ be the mother."

Washington D.C.

Jess brought the last of the Chinese takeaway to Antonio's office.

"Is that all there is?"

"Hey, I had to fend off hounds for this. How's it going?"

"Whatever Mark 9 is planning is going to be huge."

"Not good."

"Did Dharma's description lead to any results?"

"Not yet; from what my friends tell me Mark 9 is the Menudo of terrorism. They keep changing their members." She sighed. "The shrink said Adelpha doesn't have Stockholm but she's choosing not to speak."

"To who?"

"She's talking but not about the kidnapping. By the way, she has shin splints."

"So she was made to stand for a long time?"

"Or to run or do some other strenuous physical activity."

"Was she attacked?"

"No; there were no signs of physical harm." She smiled. "Jaleel took flowers."

"What else do you expect from a guy named after Whodini's frontman? You do know who Whodini are, right?"

"I was a kid in the 80s, not a teenager. _And_ I grew up in Indiana."

"Excuses, excuses."

"Sp what's the plan for Michael?"

"Seeing as he's our only link to Mark 9…"

"We _can't_ use him as bait."

"Not literally, but we _can_ use him."

"I don't know how I feel about that."

"Michael decided to get involved, pocket money from it and put his whole family, this unit, the FBI and the general public in danger,"

"He can't have known this would happen,"

"That doesn't cut it Jess. Being Pollock's son and a Zenith kid doesn't give him the right to do whatever he wants and walk away from it. He has to step up and help us."

"And if he doesn't?"

"Then I'll let Jaleel loose on him." He winked. "You're in a better mood."

"I'm working; why wouldn't I be?"

"That sounds so much like Nic, it's scary. I saw Colin around here a couple of times."

"Yeah well you won't from now on."

"And you're okay with that?"

"I have to be." Antonio didn't want to know so he didn't ask.

Jess put her hand on Michael's shoulder. He was in Nicole's office, going out of his mind at the confinement, inevitably having to see his father sometime in the near future and not seeing his family in days. "Hey kiddo. How are you doing?"

"I'm…" Michael just sighed without finishing.

"It'll be over but I need you to do something to make that happen."

"What?"

"Call him?"

"I can't."

"Or contact him; however you were doing it before."

"He'll track me and know I'm here."

"He can't – thanks to the IG."

"No way; if he took Adelpha, he'll take Chloe or Josh or Mom or,"

"Suck it up." Antonio shot back. "Do you know your dad was there in the Oklahoma bombings? Do you have any idea what would mean for a city like Washington? You're gonna call him and find out what he wants, what he's doing or what he has in store for our nation's capital. You've made enough bad choices Michael; we're driving now." Michael looked up at him. "I need to call home first; to talk to Chloe."

Jess rubbed his shoulder again. "Sure."


	8. Wants, Needs and Impulses

**Here's Chapter 8. Thanks so much for reading, enjoying, reviewing and checking up on it! That 12 Chapter thing I said no longer stands as this fic will probably have at least 15 chapters. I'm writing chapter 13 now. As you know by now, I pack a lot of information into one chapter so whether it's an event, a past event, a case, a love scene or a relationship; it's best to read all the chapters or else it can get very confusing. For those of you who wonder why I chose to write an HIV storyline the truth is I've wanted to for the last three fics but it didn't fit. HIV/AIDS awareness is very important to me and so is dispelling stereotypes and prejudices. I thought Nina, a wise, sexy, reborn if you will, streetwise character who my readers tend to respond well to was the right character for it. The challenge has come from not writing HIV as her punishment for who she was or what she did before, but writing it as something she and her loved ones face together for better or worse. *exhales* Enjoy.  
**

* * *

_A week later_.

Jess got out of the bed and put her clothes back on, slid her Magnum into the holder on her hip and slid the badge onto the pocket on her jacket. He yawned.

"Don't you wanna stay for breakfast? I have Pop Tarts."

"Sounds great but I gotta go."

"When will I see you again?"

"Sometime." She put on her boots and headed for the door.

"Hey," he went over to her, "I just have one question."

"Shoot."

"Why'd you carry the gun?"

"For the same reason you carry condoms; protection." She lightly kissed his cheek. "I had a good time."

"Me too. A _really_ good time."

"Don't miss your seminar." And with that she left the Potomac College campus and the guy she did behind.

Alexandria, Virginia

"Antonio, don't even think about asking me." She said after he pulled away from their impromptu morning make-out session. "Kissing is better."

"Nic,"

"Thin ice."

"Fine. What if something happened to me?"

"It won't; because this time when you see it coming you will _run_. No questions asked."

"You know I can't do that,"

"I'd do it for you."

"Only because you're not working and Nina's going through it; if you were leading this case…"

She cut him off. "I'm not, for a reason. Promise you won't go looking for trouble."

"What is this, Freaky Friday?"

"Promise."

"I promise."

"I don't know what I'd do if I lost you so…"

"Shh. Kissing is better."

Washington, D.C.

Pollock was waiting in the parking lot when Jess arrived at work.

"Sir?"

"I need to see Michael."

"No can do."

"Excuse me?"

"Seeing you will compromise any chance Michael has of helping us. Besides, the acting A.D. has put a BOLO out on you."

"I didn't come in my car."

"For you; not the car." She said. "The Inspector General will terminate your service to the FBI if you're seen on the premises."

"How is Michael?"

"I can't really say but I am taking care of him."

"Thank you Mastriani…Jess. He's lucky to have you and so am I."

"I'm just doing my job."

"No. You're never just doing your job. Right now you're saving my son,"

"From what?"

"Himself. Homeland Security is waiting for you to arrive. Take care Jess."

"I will. Thanks for the heads up."

Bethesda, Maryland.

Colin and Desirée lay with Ryan between them. "Who would've thought two people could make someone so beautiful? Morning Ryan." She kissed his forehead. "I'm glad you're here."

"Me too. Even if it's just to hear you pray in Creole. It's sexy."

"Well, I'm thankful."

"For what?"

"For having someone to call every time Ryan gets sick, for having you in my life again and for being right here in this moment with everything as it should have been."

"You could've tracked me down in Dallas."

"And risked losing the baby with that kind of stress? Besides, they don't call it deep cover for no reason. It's impenetrable; I thought you understood that. What's wrong?"

"You know that I love you and you've always had this way of bringing me to my knees. I love you too much Des,"

"That's a good place to start."

"But I tend to…"

"I know where this is going and I don't want to hear about the many loves of Colin McNeil."

"I don't know if I've got what it takes to do this. You know; settle down, be an adult."

"Did I ever tell you my dad was in the military?"

"Lieutenant Colonel Marcel Perrault."

She smiled. "I was an army brat and I never felt rooted in anything or anywhere until now. That's because I chose to be still and be happy with my lot, instead of always chasing the next best thing."

"How'd you do that?"

"I realised this _is_ the best thing. The search is over. It's up to you to figure out what the best thing is and if it's us you can stay forever, but until then I like the way things are."

She tickled Ryan's stomach and the giggles brought on another bout of nostalgia.

_Her gentle hands touched his face as she tended to the cut. "This'll hurt."_

_"Goddamnit!" He yelled after the antiseptic started stinging and sealing._

_"I warned you. What were you doing? I told you I had the bar fight covered."_

_"You were taking too long. As soon as I stepped in some guy hit me."_

_"That guy was Oran Shell and now you've blown your cover."_

_"Crap."_

_"Never mind; I'll have to be the link now." She gave him that knowing smile. "You were worried about me?" _

_"I was not. It was for the investigation."_

_"Right. And that's the reason why you can't take your eyes off me."_

_"We share a room."_

_"Okay Colin."_

_"What happened to Agent McNeil?"_

_"Agent McNeil leaves the room every time Colin gets an eyeful especially with my clothes on."_

_"Why are you flattered? Why does it matter?"_

_"Because I'm tired of men giving all these hints that they want it but never doing anything about it. Why is that?"_

_"You're off limits. This is off limits."_

_"Is that an excuse or a reason?"_

_"What's the difference?"_

_"An excuse is something your blame your ability or inability to act on and a reason is something you decide to base your actions on."_

_"Semantics."_

_"Answer the question."_

_"No. That's what you want and I can't give you what you want."_

_"Can't or won't?" The look in her eyes reduced him to prey. The power he wielded was enough to drive him insane with the unstoppable urge to be with her, and there was nothing that turned him on like a challenge, but she had a way of switching up the game; playing the hare and hound, wanted to be taken and to dominate, causing him to devise violent, passionate, experimental fantasies that defied limits. Her body could stop time, set his blood racing and cause a pounding in his head that hurt more than the throbbing cut on his cheek. The tension was that of a rubber band ready to snap or a birthday balloon ready to explode. That was why he didn't hesitate any longer to undress her, throw the badges they worked so hard for to the floor and respond to her every desire. Impulses had reign, desire ran free and sweat glistened their faces, chins, necks, chests, and backs as they duelled like they had never before. There were no words to describe meeting your match in bed and they didn't find them on the floor, in the closet or the shower. The sensation washed over them, so much so that they forgot their names. From then on it became an insatiable itch fuelling a voracious appetite that needed to be satiated day, noon and night. It was a cross between 702's "Places" and Ludacris' "What's your fantasy?" And neither had had better since. _

Washington, D.C.

Jess saw the psychiatrist who was treating Adelpha off. She had been released from the hospital but had yet to divulge any information about her experience. She noticed Michael moping around Nicole's office; he hadn't been outside for over a week. "Hey there."

"Hey. What'll happen to me?"

"Well, cybercrime is serious and what you did may count as terrorism."

"Am I going to jail?"

"I don't know Michael; the legal department is pursuing that now."

"Do you think what he said was true? About it coming when we least expect it."

"Possibly. Hopefully it was an idle threat. If not; we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Your hearing is in a few days."

"Why so soon?"

"This is serious; that's why. Maybe you should go home and make peace with your family. Just in case."

"I don't know about that."

"It's either here or there; either way you've got to see the light of day sometime."

Nicole knocked on the door, surprised to see them there. "Am I interrupting?"

"No," Michael replied. "I'm going home. Thanks Jess."

"See you on Friday, 10 a.m., and wear a suit."

"Sure."

Nicole sat on her desk. "If I didn't know better I'd say you're in the danger zone Jess."

"For what?"

"I saw the way he was looking at you."

"He depends on me; he doesn't have anyone else."

"What I saw was personal and you know how teenage boys are."

"I have nothing to do with Michael Nic."

"And I believe you, just watch it. Anyway; who did you have sex with?"

"How…?"

"I'm an Aries; we have radars for this kind of thing. So who was it?"

"I didn't ask for his name."

"Mmm-mmm-mmm. So was it good?" Nicole switched from false disapproval to girl talk, mid-sentence.

"I'm not telling you that!"

"I thought Colin was good in the sack."

"It wasn't him and it won't be. Ever."

"I've got all day." Jess filled her in about Desirée and Ryan. "Damn. All that time?"

"Yeah, it sucks."

"You should've jumped Burgess when you had the chance. Where is he anyway?"

"Somewhere in the Southwest getting on someone else's nerves."

"So this mystery man, where'd you meet him?"

"The Roundhouse."

"Wasn't that where you and Colin used to go?"

"I was…upset, lonely, confused, pissed; I just needed to make sure that place didn't mean anything to me anymore. So we started talking and I went to his."

"His what? House, apartment, trailer…"

"Dorm."

"A college boy? Did you smell milk on his breath?"

"He's not a boy."

"Did you check his ID to be sure? He could be a child prodigy; damn16-year-old." She joked.

"Stop it. Anyway, I haven't seen you here since God knows when, what's keeping you away?"

"Stuff. My mom actually."

"Is she okay?"

"Yeah," her voice went higher, "she's fine."

"That was unconvincing. Nic, what's going on? You know I don't like being in the dark."

"There's so much I wish I could tell you."

"Then do. Talk to me. Whatever it is it's affecting you and everyone can see that."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You look tired and troubled; like you're barely hanging on. And Antonio sees it too."

"He never said."

"He doesn't want you to feel attacked but he's worried. And so am I. So come on, let me know and we never have to discuss it again."

"Okay."


	9. The Right to Be Wrong

**Here's Chapter 9. Some reviews really make my day. I'm trying to upload regularly because I've been writing with such speed that I'm writing Chapter 13 as I write this. I think what makes this fic different is the fact it's a real ensemble piece whereas I've written Nic/Antonio as the primary couple on many occasions. In this and the next few chapters you'll come to learn a lot more about Nina, Jess/Colin/Desirée and the Pollock family as a whole. So enjoy it!!!  
**

* * *

_Three months later_

"Mom, you can't put this off again."

"I had a cold."

"I know and before that you couldn't find your car keys and before then your shoes didn't match your outfit. It's time to know."

"Nikki, don't you get anything? I don't want to know! I wanna sit in my nice apartment and watch Mahogany and eat Pecan Mint Cookie-Mix ice cream without a care in the world. I don't wanna hear anything that doctor has to tell me."

"You know I'm getting really tired of mothering you."

"Good! Leave me alone! And take your wheatgrass with you. Girl wants to tell me what to eat; she done lost her mind…"

"I know what you're doing and it won't work. You think by getting salty with me I'll just leave. I'm no amateur so let's go." After a tirade of curse words and grumble sentences, Nina got dressed and slumped into the passenger seat of Nicole's Lincoln.

Diagnostic Health Center, Waldorf, Maryland

Nicole turned off the radio and opened the car door. "Call me when you need me. I'll pick you up."

"You're not coming?"

"You don't want me here. Hell, _you_ don't even want to be here. Unless,"

"No. I'll go by myself."

"Cool." Nicole put in her Tracy Chapman CD and Nina left her alone.

Bethesda, Maryland.

Janice brought in the last of the baskets to be auctioned for charity that evening and, to her surprise, Chloe was watching a rerun of Maury in the living room. "You're supposed to be at school. I asked John to drop you off."

"I have cramps." Chloe repeated the lie with the same indifference.

"Go to school Chloe."

"There are no buses."

"Walk. Somerset is not that far."

"Aren't you afraid of what might happen to me?"

"Chloe," Janice was losing patience.

"Wait, I want to see Michael."

"Fairfax is no place for you."

"So he's supposed to wait the whole four months to see us?"

"I've seen him. And he's fine."

"He's _my_ brother."

"He's also very lucky the judge was so lenient and nothing has happened thus far. He put a lot of people in danger."

"He went out of his way to protect you; that's why he didn't…"

"I don't want to hear it. What he did is indefensible, so get your rucksack and get in the car."

"Just so you know; I think it's cruel to leave him alone like we don't care. I love Michael."

"We all do."

"So why didn't Dad make sure he wouldn't have to go to a damn Detention Facility?"

"Watch your mouth. Your father can't interfere with a court's ruling just because his son's on the bench."

"He does it for other people."

"That's nonsense."

"Why else would all his friends have titles? Judge this, D.A. that. August's best friend works at a salon, how come people like that never come here?"

"Chloe," Janice warned again.

"I'm going, I'm going."

"And stay away from Fairfax or else you'll regret it."

Washington D.C.

Jess finished a case report and slumped back in her seat. She could hear Pollock's facetious voice saying, "No rest for the wicked," as he buried her under another case. It had been months since he last occupied the office and she wondered what was taking Internal Affairs so long. Antonio knocked on her office door, holding a stamp sized chip in a secure plastic bag. "What's that?"

"A Xilon-P42-HCL."

"That small thing caused all this trouble?"

"You said it."

"I have a feeling that the worst isn't over. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach and I just know something bad is coming."

"Trust your gut; it saved us in Hungary, remember?"

"I remember what jail smells like, yeah. Every time we get a case I feel like this is the big one, you know; the one that will change everything."

"Jess you need to relax. Worrying is wasted energy. Are you sure this has nothing to do with Colin?"

"She told you, didn't she?"

"Told me what?"

"That Colin has a kid."

"No. But I thought he was his."

"What are you talking about?"

"I saw them at the hospital in Bethesda; him, the kid and a hot woman."

"How hot?"

"Jess."

"Hotter than me, right?"

"_Jess_, the kid didn't look well."

"What'd you mean?"

"He looked flushed, he was crying and for a toddler he looked kind of small. Underweight."

"Do you think she's abusing him?"

"No, she looked tired not angry. And abusers don't tend to take their kids to get medicine. Whatever's wrong with him, I don't think they can stop it."

"Colin never told me his son was ill."

"He probably wanted to spare you."

"I'm such a bitch."

"You are not."

"You don't know what I said to him."

"Everyone says things they don't mean when they're upset."

"That's the thing; I meant it. For the first time ever I told him what I knew would hurt him the most because I wanted to, what kind of person does that make me?"

"A human being. Ever since I've know you you're set this unreachable standard for how moral you should be and you've deprived yourself in the process. Jess sometimes we're ugly, spiteful, thoughtless and blunt and sometimes it pays to be selfish but even when we are; there's still something inside us that makes us good people. You been hurt, you hurt back; we all do it. Forgive yourself and move on."

"Says the Catholic."

"_Raised_ Catholic."

Waldorf, Maryland.

The lights were out but Nicole knew the drill. If she listened hard enough she could hear Sade faintly underneath the sound of her door knocks. She used her key and was surprised she didn't have to kick through the chain. There was one candle alight in her bedroom and Nina was lying with her head at the end of the bed like a child at a sleepover.

"You're not invited." Nina said coarsely.

"I didn't expect to be." Nicole sat with her legs crossed on the faux fur rug.

"Nikki why are you here?"

"Because I'm selfish. All I ever thought about was how it's affecting me, how I would feel to lose you and how alone I'd be. I never thought of how you felt and how you still feel. And I'm sorry Mom. I'm sorry I placed fear above compassion for what you're going through."

"You know what your problem is? You think you can be strong for everyone. And that drives me, Kelly, Antonio, Jess and even that boss of yours crazy; because we can't be that strong for ourselves."

"You can. A fucked up marriage, twenty years of jail, drug abuse, decades apart and you think HIV is stronger than you are? I don't. And I _know_ if you want to fight you can and you will. Even for another chilli cheese dog in Grant Park."

"Do you really believe that?"

"As sure as we're here today, you can do anything."

"My CD4 count's dropped. Dr. Riabovil's starting me off on three meds; two NRTIs and a protease inhibitor."

"Okay…that, that's good. And I'll stay out of your kitchen from now on."

"Don't do that. I like having you around. But as I said, you're not invited and me, Sade and Dionne have a lot to talk about."

Nicole got off the rug and kissed her face. When it felt too much like a goodbye; she left.

Bethesda, Maryland.

"What did the Inspector General say?" Janice asked as she made dinner.

"I'm back in on a temporary basis."

"That's ridiculous."

"I know but I have no choice, if I don't get in now I can kiss my position goodbye."

"If _they_ need you, _that's_ a good sign John."

"Not if it puts us at risk."

"You sound like Michael."

"I must say in these past few months I've come to understand him more than ever."

"I'm sorry I can't say the same; I don't think I know him at all."

"What are you making?"

"Beef tagine. I wanted something different. I still do."

"Janice, I'm trying."

"Look at us. Chloe's mouth is out of order, Michael's miles away, I dread to think of how this is affecting Joshua and I can't take it. And they think I'm a bad mother."

"Who does?"

"The PTA, the neighbourhood, my parents. I'm supposed to be at the basket auction tonight presenting, but ever since this happened they've treated me like a rookie. And my roses…"

"What do you want me to do? I'll do anything."

"Bring my son back."

_A month later _

Arlington, Virginia.

A box marked "Bedroom" kept the door to the foyer open and Jess walked through and waited for the elevator. As it opened she felt a box thrust into her chest and heard a fast apology. "Colin?"

He put the box down. "Oh, it's you."

"Moving?"

"What are you doing here Jess?"

"I came to apologise; I was out of line."

"I have a van to load and I'm ten minutes away from a parking ticket."

"If I had known about your son I wouldn't have said something so insensitive."

"Parking ticket."

"Colin I don't know what to say to…"

"Colin? Is this the last one?" Jess' head swung around. She gazed at the Cajun Creole beauty coming her way. Her hazel eyes, smooth skin, heart-shaped mouth and unashamedly pear shaped figure were enough to stop her in her tracks. "Are you Agent Callahan? I've heard a lot about you."

"No." Jess flushed like a freshman in the smoking girls' bathroom. "I'm Agent Mastriani, FBI."

"What has he done this time?" She joked; flashing a smile at him.

"Nothing. I'll be…leaving…now."

She got about five felt away when Colin let her name slip. "Bye Jess."

"Jess?" Desirée's raised eyebrows asked. Jess couldn't move; her feet were glued to the floor. "As in Jessica?" Jess cleared her throat. "Well this is unexpected."

"To say the least." Colin murmured.

"Why are you here?"

"I don't have to explain anything to you." Jess stated.

Desirée's humoured expression irked Jess. "Were you curious?"

"Excuse me?"

"Des,"

"She can speak for herself. Were you curious? Because there's no other reason for you to be here." Colin picked up the box and took it to the car. On arrival he sat in the van and blasted Placebo to avoid returning.

"I didn't come here to see _you_ if that's what you think."

"I never thought you did. You don't strike me as the unnecessarily confrontational type."

"And you are?"

"The inability to control one's actions is the height of indiscipline. Of course not. I'm just a little curious myself, as to why an attractive, gifted Agent would visit her ex when she clearly has options."

"You don't know me."

"Let's just say not everyone who sleeps in a dorm is a student."

"That's none of your business."

"Nor is Colin any of yours. I don't take lightly to being accused of cuckoldry; it's demeaning as well as sophomoric. So forgive me if seeing you here, rubs me the wrong way."

"This isn't high school; girlfriends are obstacles easily overcome especially when they prevent me from talking to Colin."

"Talking? You came here to fuck him. You think you lost a Scorpio in the sheets, and you think you can get him back that way; or screw with his mind 'til he has to have you."

"If that was true, I'd think you were smart and I might even be as intimidated as you'd like me to be. But it's not, you're not and I'm definitely not.

"I didn't _take_ Colin from you or anyone else Jess. He came to me and there's nothing you can do about that."

"He wants his _son_."

"And yet, he holds _me_ at night. Ever wonder why he took that deep cover job with no thought for you? _I_ was assigned first. He begged me not to go and when my partner bailed; Colin stepped up. So if you're looking for answers, there they are."

Alexandria, Virginia.

Antonio felt around for the phone by knocking everything about on the nightstand. Still half-asleep, he vowed to curse the caller out. "What...Yes I accept." Nicole flicked on the lamp, hurting his eyes and worsening his mood in the process. She didn't hear the rest until he pulled her shoulder back to wake her up again. "Jess was arrested."

"Don't play with me."

"For disturbing the peace."

"Stupid, stupid, stupid."

"We have to get her out."

"No we don't. That'll teach her ass for letting a man make her crazy."

"Nic, Jess is our friend."

"Jess is playing Ally McBeal and I won't facilitate it."

"In English?"

"She's anxious about turning thirty but she's letting it get out of control. She can't have Colin and now she's acting a damn fool."

"You don't know the whole story."

"Babe, if it doesn't begin or end with Colin I will drive down there myself, but if it does; let me sleep."


	10. Stung by a Scorpion

**As if Jess and Colin didn't have enough issues...Here's Chapter 10. Read it, feel it, sense it, enjoy it!!!  
**

* * *

Fairfax, Virginia.

"Michael!" Chloe exclaimed as she hugged him. "I missed you; you don't know how it's been."

"I can guess. Did you come on your own?"

"No, they're scared you might be a target."

"Is Jess here?"

"No, I heard she got arrested. Nothing big though." She bit her lip. "I'm really sorry."

"It's not your fault. Where'd you wanna go first?"

"We can't. There's an FBI escort; home or office?"

"Where's Dad?"

"Back in there."

"Home. I wanna see Josh anyway, and Mom too. Did you take care of her?"

"The best I could…no actually. What's it like in there?"

"Strict. But it's over now."

Washington, D.C.

Sweat beads glistened on Pollock's forehead, for the first time in months the bullpen was occupied by only him, Jess and Antonio. There was a great deal of interdepartmental work done in her absence, to fill the void and handle the workload. Understandably, Pollock was annoyed at her absence.

"I told Scott to come in ASAP."

"Nicole doesn't work for you anymore sir." Jess remarked, still reeling from the arrest.

"She's on leave; _unpaid_ leave as of now. So, Rico Suavez, inform her of that."

"She's not tempted by money; that's the least of her worries." Antonio replied, enjoying every moment Pollock suffered because of the union he fought so hard to put asunder. "And she's not coming back until she's ready, if ever, so we need a bigger team…sir."

"My son was released from Fairfax Detention Center this morning, that means Mark 9 may make contact and I don't have to tell you what that means for Washington."

"Why can't the Department of Defence take care of it? We don't specialise in terrorism." Jess queried, already knowing the answer.

"Because it's big; if we take down Mark 9…"

"We?" Antonio cut him off. "

"Watch it Cortez. This is not the morning to mess with me."

"This is _your_ mess."

"So you want out? Give up and go home."

"I won't give you the satisfaction. This is your fault, so wear it, and let us do our jobs."

Jess tried to mollify the situation. "Sir maybe being involved isn't the best route to follow. You could use this time to attend to other matters. Personal matters."

Nicole appeared unexpectedly. "Did I break up the love fest?"

Pollock smiled. "You're right on time."

She turned to Antonio. "You didn't tell him?"

"Tell him what?" Jess asked.

"I'm consulting."

"Where?" Pollock asked.

"Here; I work the hours, you pay me pro-rata. No commitment. Acting A.D. Ephraim authorised it. That way I can take care of things and not get too bored."

"Mark 9; in or out?" Pollock asked as Nicole sat down and flicked through a few files.

"I guess it wouldn't hurt...but this is Jess' ship, let her steer it."

"Since Michael's release there have been several attempts to contact him that he doesn't know of." Pollock informed them.

"So where do we start?" Jess asked, disturbed by Nicole's subdued nature.

"We start on what we already have; finding out just what the Xilon-P42-HCL does, can do and why it was created in the first place." Antonio said, annoyed at Pollock's hypocrisy.

"Or, you can tell us what you were doing at Martha's Vineyard that weekend; because that's what kicked this off." Nicole suggested, expecting an explosion.

"Fine. You may have heard rumours about my alleged promotion to Deputy Director of the FBI. They're true. My replacement, however, is a controversial subject."

"Who will it be sir?" Jess asked.

"Finley Sears."

"Get out." Nicole exclaimed. "That bitch is still kicking?"

"And more Agent."

"How'd you know her?" Jess asked.

"My second post in West Virginia; she's as crooked as they come yet she's never been formally charged for embezzlement, fraud, blackmail, aggravated assault, criminal threats…"

"Well she's a hot candidate." Pollock replied.

"Hot enough to bring Mark 9 out of the water. So that's what the Martha's Vineyard trip was all about; the big shots handpicking the D.C.'s next A.D.?" Nicole inquired.

"Yes." Pollock admitted.

"This makes more sense to me by the minute. You didn't vote for her; deciding vote sir?"

"Something like that, Scott."

"And then she turned on you. Somehow she found out, because she has a way of knowing everything, and she couldn't let you do that so she blackmailed _you_. There are five Xilon-P42-HCL wireless servers in the world, a military creation, and she used one to track what Michael was doing then turned it over to Internal Affairs."

"So she's either working with terrorists or on her own but either way she's against you." Antonio concluded. "Just how dirty would you let our hands get before disclosing this information?"

"It's confidential." Pollock stated.

"It's illegal. We should know what we're getting into especially if it's just to save your ass."

"Antonio," Jess tried to calm him down.

"C_ulpam poena premit comes_, my ass. You're a criminal. What's your punishment?"

"The life I'm living Agent, are you done with the hissyfit so we can focus?"

"There's one thing I don't understand." Jess interrupted. "Has Michael been communicicating with Mark 9 or Finley Sears? Is this terrorism or framing?"

"Let's not wait 'til the first bomb blast to find out sir." Nicole sided with Jess.

"I know who can help us decide; Adelpha."

_A day later,_

Zenith High School, Somerset, Maryland

"Fuck you." Jaleel replied, after Michael asked him to persuade Adelpha to help the team. "Every time I do something for you; it's my ass that gets blamed for it. You know they just started letting me come to the house. I'm not blowing that for you."

"Come on J, I wouldn't ask if it wasn't serious. If Adelpha tells Jess all about it…"

"She won't even tell _me_ about it and I stopped asking. So should you."

"If you think what happened to her is bad; that's nothing compared to what will happen if she doesn't say anything. I know I messed up but you're the only one who can convince her to do the right thing. Don't let what I did stop you.

Waldorf, Maryland

"Ma," Nicole called as she let herself and Antonio in.

"Mom, we got groceries." They heard a groan coming from the bedroom.

"Mom, are you okay?" Nicole asked as she opened the door. Nina was lying on the floor holding her stomach, cursing and crying simultaneously. She helped her up onto the bed and her hand was warm and clammy. "You should've called me."

"I couldn't reach," Nina moaned.

"You're burning up. It must be the combination."

"I can't take it Nikki."

"You can, just wait it out." Nicole ran a flannel under some cold water for the fever and put in on her head. "I'll make you something to eat,"

"I can't."

"Come on Ma, you have to."

"Are you staying?"

Nicole thought of Pollock and Jess at the office and hesitated. "Of course…of course we are. And we'll eat together, okay?"

Nina groaned again at the pain in her stomach. "How did it get like this?"

"Shh, everything's gonna be okay. I'll put on the air con." Nicole exhaled and joined Antonio in the kitchen, "we're staying; for lunch at least."

"Fine by me. Energy-rich and nutritious, right?"

"Right." She sat on a black diner stool by the counter as he cooked.

"What's up?"

"I hate to see her suffer like that."

"Nic, this is just a part of it. Side effects are a bitch but she still has to take them, all of them, when she's supposed to."

"I know. That doesn't make it easier."

"You're doing all you can do right now and she appreciates it." He lowered his voice. "Have you spoken to her about it?"

"No, I can't ask her that. I've tried too many times but I think it's just too much."

"Someone out there needs to know, and every person after that. You have to admit; it might have not been this bad if she acted sooner."

"I know that, but she didn't, and that's moot."

"It's not moot. She knew she had the virus when you found her again but it's only in the last year that she actually started treating it; just because she had the flu. It's not fair to the person or people out there, not to know her status."

"That's her decision; hate it or love it. If it was up to me she'd tell them but it's not. Okay?"

He kissed her. "Okay. You're the most selfish and selfless person I know."

"You're lucky you can cook."

Washington, D.C.

Jess just got off the phone with Doug when a white collar agent brought Adelpha and Jaleel into her office.

She cut to the chase. "Are you ready to talk?"

"I think so." Adelpha replied.

"Okay, Jaleel there's a cafeteria down the hall to your left."

"I want him to stay."

"Okay."

Pollock walked past and caught a glimpse of Jess working her magic. Michael had been home for days but they had avoided each other religiously. In a way, he was afraid of his own son; afraid that in Michael he might see a truth about himself that was too hard to digest. Janice had that look in her eyes; the look of something being worn away inside her. It was her will to try. He put his hands in his pockets and secluded himself in his office.

Jess let Adelpha and Jaleel leave after an hour and was incensed by what she had surmised. She stormed through the foyer of Department of Defence and interrupted the meeting in his office.

"You bastard." She exclaimed, much to the entertainment of the Agent who was leaving.

"You used me to infiltrate the FBI. You used me. Again."

"I never used you before Jess."

"Shut up. _You_ kidnapped Adelpha and let me run around trying to find her when you know where she was all along."

"I was doing my job, doing whatever it took to get the information."

"Just shut up!" She yelled. "I'm tired of hearing you justify everything with some bullshit rational reason. You never told me you transferred from DOJ to DoD or that you're working on the Mark 9 case here or that your punk ass can't tell the truth to save your life. That bitch of a girlfriend,"

"…is the mother of my son so watch what you call her."

"What are you gonna do Colin? Spank me? No, you'd rather give me flowers, pacify me, and send me stuffed animals and post-it notes until I do what you want. You make me sick."

"You need to grow up. Losing it left you in a cell last time."

"She provoked me."

"You attacked her. Jess why are you acting like you lost out? _I_ was the one who was never good enough for you."

"That's not true."

"That's how it felt and your friends never let me forget it either. Then that Jude Law guy would come around and you'd act like you were in Junior High. What was that about?"

"It was a crush; I never fell for Jack like you fell for her."

"I fell for her because she let me chase her." Jess fell silent. "If you're so mad about the case; beat us to the punch."


	11. Chickens Come Home to Roost

**Why can't we all get along? Pollock's a marked man or at least appears to be...Chapters 11, 12 and 13 are very Pollock (family) and Nina-centric despite the case. R&R. Here's Chapter 11.  
**

* * *

Bethesda, Maryland

Colin ran up the stairs with the strength he could muster. When he reached the twelfth floor, he pounded on the door until the baby inside started crying. "What's up with you?"

He forced himself in and saw Ryan in the buggy. "You have to stay here."

"We're going to the park. He's been grizzly all day."

"No, you can't."

"Why?"

"Just…just stay here alright?"

"No. Not alright. Tell me what's going on and don't give me that confidentiality crap."

"Turn to Channel 5."

Janice was making a snack for Joshua when Pollock made a surprise appearance and two in the afternoon with both sons. "What happened to school? I said I'd pick them up."

"They have to stay here. You too."

"John,"

"If I answer you'll worry."

"And you think showing up with our kids when they're not supposed to be here isn't enough to do that?"

"Janice; now is not the time."

"Of course it isn't. It's never the time when I want answers."

"Have you watched the news yet?"

"Not since morning."

"Do. I have to go."

"And do what?"

"Pick up Chloe."

"Chloe didn't go to school today."

"What?"

Chevy Chase Village, Maryland

Chloe and Dharma-Sky were watching Clueless and finishing off the second tub of Bubblegum Marshmallow ice cream while August was at work. "Your house is so cool. I wish my grandparents were hippies."

"They're not anymore." Dharma-Sky replied. "They were back to the family business in the seventies. That's how I got into Zenith; it goes back seven generations."

"But your mom is so…"

"Shh." August's pink Bronco reversed into the driveway. "She's here."

"I thought she didn't mind me coming."

"Yeah, but she does mind me cutting school, my cutting school, whatever. You have to hide."

"Where?"

"In my room. I'll clean up and wait until she's gone."

"Okay."

Bethesda, Maryland

"That was Raul Agodelo for Channel 5 News…for those of you just joining us, famed terrorist group Mark 9 has released a statement exclusively to Channel 5 News which reads as follows: The wait has been long and the road has been rough but justice will finally come to our nation capital. Where corruption has thrived; justice will reign. When power has been abused; justice will reign. We will purge the city of the political sin that oppresses the powerless and lies in the hands of the few. Painful but short-lived; the truth will not be concealed for much longer. It is rumoured to be a bomb threat and residents of the District of Columbia, Maryland and Virginia have been warned to report any strange behaviour and avoid the Metropolitan Area. We have Police Chief Jesse Montagne here, to give invaluable advice at a worrying time." Janice turned off the television.

"I'm going to find Chloe." Pollock said, trying to leave as soon as possible.

"No. I'll go."

"I can't let you do that."

"Since when did your judgement do us any favours? It's destroying us John; I'm tired. I'm tired of this regime you have us under that tears us all apart just so you can have a title. I'm tired of having guns under our pillows, two security systems and kids being kidnapped at our house. I can't do this anymore." She picked up her car keys. "You wait here."

Washington, D.C.

"Where's Pollock?" Jess asked Nicole as Agents buzzed around the office in a panic. "I'm guessing home."

"If only we knew where they'd bomb first."

All eyes were on the plasma screen as Channel 5 released the photos of the first bomb blast. "The U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia was hit by a bomb just three minutes ago, although court wasn't in process, Judge Enoch Teth was in chambers and died instantly. The surrounding area has been cordoned off and residents are advised to avoid the D.C. Metropolitan area."

"Judge Enoch Teth," Nicole repeated, "sounds familiar."

"He was at Martha's Vineyard with Pollock." Antonio reminded her.

"And one of the voters, right?" Nicole hit her head with her hand. "How could I have been so slow to catch on? That's what Mark 9 heard in the calls; hints about the trip and the vote for the new Deputy Director. We know for sure they don't want Pollock to be it and they don't want Finley Sears to be his replacement either."

"You don't know that Nic." Jess replied, annoyed that Nicole was stealing her thunder.

"Why not? So Pollock has flaws; Sears is a nightmare and a real threat to justice, abusing power and oppressing the powerless like it said in the statement."

Antonio followed her line of thinking. "So anyone at Martha's Vineyard who voted is a target, or at least their place of work is. Teth was a double whammy."

"How do they know that Teth is corrupt?" Jess asked, causing them to look at her like she was twelve-year-old.

"Mark 9 always does its research. In twelve attacks they've only had two innocent bystanders injured. They've being using Michael for months and planning it for months before that. Note how they didn't strike during the four months Michael was institutionalised; they're patient, precise and almost never make mistakes." Antonio answered.

"Fine. Then Pollock is a target too." Jess said.

"He didn't vote Jess; he was voted _for_. It serves them to have Pollock in power; at least for the time being. Unless you've got another working theory I say let's get protection for the voters and take it from there. What institutions would they go for?" Nicole asked.

"Councillor Reilly's office; remember the murdered prostitute and bribed cops? I think we should get some spare DoD Agents; they're the best security detail out there."

"No!" Jess opposed Antonio's suggestion. "The DoD is running a parallel operation; I don't trust them. And I'm leading the case."

"And letting it go to your head like Jean Carne." Antonio walked away.

"What's with him?"

"What's with you Jess? Let me guess; Colin." Nicole rolled her eyes.

"You won't believe what he did…"

"I won't listen either. You wanna be happy? Pick better men. Until then, lead the case."

"Says the woman who wouldn't help her so-called friend."

"Do you wanna fight? Because I don't have the time or patience to do this with you." Nicole was swung around by a nearby Agent as they all fixated on the plasma screen once more. "The second attack of the day just occurred at 5.55 p.m. when Councillor William Oscar Reilly was gunned down in the Metropolitan Area. The assailant used a Russian Tigr hunting rifle from a moving vehicle. The local police are gathering evidence and the vehicle has not been found. Again, residents are advised to stay in their homes, report any suspicious behaviour and avoid the Metropolitan Area at all costs. Here's Arati Kaur with the weather…"

Chevy Chase Village, Maryland

August opened the closet door and found Chloe hiding. "There's been a bombing and a shooting; you should call your parents."

"You're not mad?"

"I'm mad that I have to miss my shift especially when people are being hurt like this; but the roads are closing and Dharma-Sky's safe here so I'm not."

"Even after what happened?"

"Everybody makes mistakes. You didn't mean for that to happen even if you were both being stupid. It's like Michael; sometimes it's the smaller actions that have the biggest effects. Being accountable isn't saying sorry; it's finding out the cause of your own actions and trying to have better intentions hereafter. I'm sure John and Janice are worried about you."

Washington, D.C.

"They don't want to negotiate; the best offence is defence." Antonio stated after hours of trying to reach Mark 9 on the server.

"I think we should keep trying, we could end it." Jess suggested, refusing to give up on her case. "Where's Nic?"

"Nina's. I doubt she's coming back."

"How's she doing?"

"You should ask her that."

"What have I done now Antonio?"

"Calm down."

"I'm so sick of everyone finding fault in me."

"Jess, you have to admit you've been losing it for a while."

"Losing it?"

"You're snappy, distracted, _hurt_."

"You don't know that."

"I do. I married Nicole remember? White doves, a chocolate fountain, The Delfonics,"

"I remember."

"So trust me when I say, as a friend, you're on self-destruct and it's not pretty."

"It's just…you don't know how much what he says affects me. Why would he do that?"

"Maybe 'cause you let him. You can do better, way better, so why are you stuck on him?"

"Because."

"Why?"

"Because she has him in the palm of her hand, she can make him dance if she wants to, and she just _shows up_ to make it happen. I had to try and she doesn't."

"Don't want him 'cause you can't have him Jess. That way you'll never win. Want him if he's the love of your life and you can't do without him; _then_ fight for him."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"I'd hate to see you love – and hurt - in vain. Anyway; it's back to the target list."

Bethesda, Maryland

"You knew them?" Janice asked as they watched the breaking news.

"Yes."

"What does this mean for us?"

"Janice please. Not now."

"Chloe is out there and…"

"She's at the hippie girl's house. She'll come back when things cooled down."

"Great John let's keep splitting up the family and kick Joshua out next."

"I never kicked Michael out."

"You haven't welcomed him home either. You don't even talk; you'd rather avoid each other than work it out."

"He embarrassed me; he undermined me as well as compromising our safety as a family. But you don't see that, you just see what I'm doing wrong when I'm doing all I can to,"

"Get to the next step. That's what you were doing in Martha's Vineyard and you took me along. Well I don't support it and I don't support you."

"In what?"

"In being the Deputy Director. For it to be worse for us; no. I won't do it to the kids and I won't do it to myself."

"Do you want to be married to me?"

"Don't threaten me John."

"Answer the question. I can't have you hanging this over my head all the time, let me know."

"I want you, not all this."

"All this comes with me Janice. And you didn't mind when you had a garden of roses, a Women's Society that looked up to you, kids you could spend time with, money to throw away if you wanted to and the means to have, buy and do anything you wanted."

"I want you."

"And I want a wife who doesn't look at me like some kind of monster. A wife, who can be on my side, and look at me like you did at Duke when you recited Ovid. _Sic erit; haeserunt tenues in corde sagittae, et possessa ferus pectora versat Amor. Cedimus, an subitum luctando accendimus ignem? cedamus! leve fit, quod bene fertur, onus._" "They're just words. Reciting '_Omnia sol temperat_' at our wedding didn't bind us John, what makes you think they will now?"

"Because nothing I've ever said to you has been truer that I love you Janice and everything I've ever done has been for you. And if you can't and don't believe that today; then don't wait for an excuse like a higher position to leave me. Go now."

"You're asking me to leave?"

"I'm asking you to make your own decision instead of making a kneejerk one. I've never wanted to break this family apart, don't put it on me."

"You're right." She swallowed. "That's something I have to think about."

"I should pick up Chloe."

"She's fine, and I really don't want you out there."

Washington, D.C.

It was three in the morning and Nicole and Antonio were sharing the sofa in her office. They had prevented three attacks, another bomb and two shootings. Neither could admit they were afraid to sleep though they needed it.

"I noticed you and Jess are on the warpath."

"I don't have time to think about her right now. Besides you're always making wisecracks about her. You just about called her a bootlegged Me."

"So we're both bad, but I don't think you should let it go to waste. Jess is a good friend."

"A good friend, who never asks me how I am, who I can't even talk to anymore…"

"You can talk to me."

"I always talk to you. Sometimes it's nice to hear a different voice; Kelly's in Botswana, all my sorors are scattered, Chisara transferred to Miami and my mom doesn't feel like talking of late."

"All the more reason you need Jess."

"What I need is a vacation, a back rub and a Very Sexy cocktail."

"Then you're 0 for 3." Pollock remarked as Nicole slid off the sofa. "Because we want to end this. Today." Jess and Michael were standing behind him.


	12. Hold On

**What does Chloe know? I love this fic soooooo much I'm writing Ch. 15 now. Here's Chapter 12.  
**

* * *

Waldorf, Maryland

Nicole turned off the TV and put a faux fur comforter over Nina. "Nikki you know I'm a light sleeper." She groaned.

"Yeah I know. You look better; you are still taking them right?" Nina gave her the finger. "Okay. I won't ask again."

"Yes you will. Now why did you beat the sun to be here?"

"I wanted to see you."

"No, that's not it."

"I don't love the Bureau anymore."

"That's big."

"I know. I just don't know who I'd be without it. I'm not saying I'm not happy. I love Antonio and I love you but somehow I lost…_it_. It feels like I'm losing a lot lately."

"Well I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna hold on just for you. As hard as it gets I'm gonna keep on fighting 'cause if you can't do without me a fraction of what I can't do without you; then I have to be here. Now let me get my sleep."

Bethesda, Maryland

Janice woke up with a headache, she had spent most of the night crying and after two doubles of Brandy to get her to sleep; she wasn't in the best state. Her matted hair was stuck to her clammy face when she finally got up to see what the kids were doing. Chloe was unusually making Joshua's breakfast. "I didn't think you'd be up this early."

"It's eleven-thirty, Mom." She replied, sliding more pancakes onto Joshua's Snoopy plate.

"Oh, I…"

"It's okay. I heard you last night."

"Chloe…"

"It's okay. Dad took Michael to the office."

"About what you heard…"

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Not talking about it doesn't make it less real."

"If you want a divorce, that's your decision. I don't want it, neither does Michael nor does Dad."

"It doesn't work like that. If you could understand what I've been going through then you'd know it's not that simple."

"Don't you want us anymore? Don't you want us to be together?"

"I want it to be different; I want us to be happy but we're not."

"Does Calvin make you happy?" Janice stared at her in shock.

Desirée let Colin back in around noon. "Have you heard?" He asked as he took off his jacket.

"Yeah, five attacks, two successes."

"I've seen some things…" she held him, "and I don't know who's next."

"It's okay. Between two government agencies this will stop. On a better note, his ear infection is clearing up."

"Good. I want him to be better."

"I know but TB isn't like that. It's hard on everyone."

"Especially you."

"I'm losing it in this house knowing what's going on and not being able to stop it."

"We had worse times in Dallas; this'll pass."

"Please don't go back out there."

"I have to; just like you did in Dallas."

"They're bombs, not just bullets."

"I've been in this cell since I came back to D.C. I can't bail now. I'll make it back here. I promise."

"What if you…?"

"I promise."

Washington, D.C.

"The DoD's running a sting operation." Jess announced in the bullpen. Colin's picture was on the bulletin board. "Agent Colin McNeil, former DoJ, now works in intelligence. His years of undercover and deep cover experience prepared him to blend into any situation and even pose as..." she put another picture up, "Dr. Arnold Dias, a transplant surgeon organs who allowed patients to receive pig hearts without their knowledge. He was on the Board of the State Hospital until the Baltimore gazette broke the story. The hospital let him go with no consequences, a platinum severance package and an ongoing post as a consultant for $284,000 per year. That money could have been used to improve facilities and increase staff numbers and patient intake."

"So we have motive, where are Mark 9 supposed to attack him? Not the hospital, surely?" A white collar Agent asked.

"Dr. Dias is known to frequent the Kittykat for drinks in the afternoon once a week. I've had Agent McNeil followed and he fits the target's build."

"So we follow McNeil, watch him get shot, take down the assailant, set Agent Scott on them in interrogation until they give up their cohorts and from then on it's sunshine and rainbows. Go my children." Pollock pulled Jess aside. "Way to infiltrate Agent."

"I learned from the best."

"It's funny what jail can do to a person. Are you getting even on my time?"

"Excuse me sir?"

"Are you settling scores on my watch?"

"I guess I am."

"Then don't come back without that shooter."

"Or else?"

"I might shoot you."

Bethesda, Maryland

Janice turned off the Ice Cube CD that Chloe was blasting to be controversial and sat on her double bed. "Calvin is a friend of mine."

"Can't be. We know all your friends. They're called the Women of D.C."

"Not all my friends wear pearls, host banquets and went to Finishing School."

"Does Dad know about him?"

"No, he doesn't."

"Is that why you want to break up, so you can be together?"

"I do not want to break up with your father Chloe. You should stop letting Michael think for you and stop believing everything he tells you."

"Michael doesn't know who Calvin is. He still thinks Dad keeps dividing us."

"I have done nothing but hold this family together and yes there were times when I wanted to leave and I had enough but I held on for you, Michael, Joshua and your father."

"So why do you still talk to him? Why'd you have that other cell phone? So you can cheat on Dad and not get caught?"

Janice didn't know what her body was doing but that didn't make the involuntary action less real as she rigidly slapped Chloe across the face. "Enough! I've had enough of you talking to me like this." Chloe stared at her as though she was a stranger. "You don't know what you're talking about Chloe, and you don't stop, you never stop. Calvin is my friend and I don't want to hear otherwise. What's wrong with you? How can you talk to me like that?" Her questions were rhetorical and if they weren't they still went unanswered. As she took a step back and closed her eyes, nothing looked familiar; not the room she spend three sleepless days renovating a year ago, not the daughter who she had never raised her voice to and not the reflection in the Yin-Yang mirror of a woman, wife and mother who had lost control.

Waldorf, Maryland

"I wanna go back to work," Nina was playing with her hair, "and get some highlights. You know, pick up where I left off."

"Why not? You're not the only person in the world with HIV…I've never said that out loud before."

"You've never meant it before and I wouldn't have believed you."

"Have you ever thought of telling anyone?"  
"I was diagnosed in 2005 Nikki, I could have had it for years before then and I don't know where to start."

"Telling even one person is better than leaving them in the dark."

"Why'd you think I moved here, changed my name, started over? I didn't want to be Carla Chambers for the rest of my life and I left all those people behind with her. You don't wanna know some of the men I've messed with, or shared needles with," Nicole looked away and Nina brought her chin round to face her, "yes, I've used heroin Nikki. You want me to go back to those people with this news?"

"And what about Toussaint?"

"Stop it."

"You were in love with him. He was by far the best man I've seen you with."

"Toussaint left me to play Superman."

"He's in Doctors Without Borders Ma, and he didn't leave you, you could have gone to Chernobyl too."

"And leave you and Antonio? He didn't know me."

"He knew you too well. I've never seen you so happy."

"Well he won't want me now will he? My viral load's up, my CD4 count's down and I don't think he'll find my vomiting after ARVs sexy."

"That's just temporary. He deserves to know; he treats children."

"He does know. And where is he? Chernobyl. I don't want to talk about him."

"Fine."

Nina was lost in thoughts of the love of her life, thoughts that made her more irascible than Nicole could ever be; how he came so late, left too soon yet loved her harder and deeper than any man ever did or could. She resented how Nicole could bring up something that diminished all her arguments and protestations and how she let a man become her weakness all over again. Nicole slid her vibrating phone open. Antonio was talking a mile a minute but she was still relieved to hear his voice and not someone else's. "What's up baby?" Nina asked.

"Colin was shot."


	13. Tug of War Part I

**You didn't think that was all I had to give as far as the Pollocks are concerned did you? What happens when Nina has to take her own advice? This Chapter comes in two parts and that means you get both (13 and 14) - read both as it's confusing otherwise, trust me)at once! I'm so excited about this fic and your feedback makes the experience even more thrilling. *BlindLoveFreeSpirit *Alison *Story101 *Endless Dreamer1024 *dretti. To all the readers thank you so much and keep reading, reviewing, PMing and enjoying it. I finished Ch. 15 today and it gets juicier believe me. Here's Chapter 13.  
**

* * *

Desirée beat Nicole who beat Jess to the hospital. Some of Colin's co-workers were there but none of them reached out to her because she was so distressed they didn't know how.

"I know Colin." Nicole said as she sat next to her. "Is that Ryan?" A tear dropped as a response. "He's beautiful," She whispered. After a few hours the doctor came out and asked for the next of kin. Desirée stood up hesitantly. "I can hold him," Nicole offered.

All Jess saw was a walking white coat and a baby the hue of honey in Nicole's arms.

"Is that him?" She asked taking what she didn't know was Desirée's seat.

"Yeah. He's just like Antonio described."

"What'd you mean?"

"He has TB Jess." She whispered. "I'm sure he's coming out the other side though. He's almost as heavy as the next baby."

"Tuberculosis?"

"Yeah. No wonder she looks so tired."

"I jumped her."

"You did not."

"Okay, I tried to; I don't know what's wrong with me. I thought if I saw him I'd be so angry but now I know it wasn't worth the trouble. Look at him."

"Wow, you almost sound like the old Jess."

"Well I'm not and I can't change that."

"You can put your feet back on the ground though. Just because you've lost your innocence, it doesn't mean you have to lose what made you a great Agent to begin with; your compassion. Because I learnt more from _manual-memorising_ Jess than I did from _heart of glass_ Jess."

"Point noted."

"And Jess,"

"Yeah?"

"You really shouldn't be here."

"But," Nicole shook her head. "Fine. But I _was_ here."

"And I'll let him know. Don't you have a case report to complete?"

"I guess. You know, I've been thinking about you and your mom a lot. I never wanted to bring it up, not because I didn't know what to say; because I'm scared for her and for you."

"It's not the 80s Jess; there are worse things to be afraid of."

"Like what?"

"Like never seeing her smile or laugh again like she did with Toussaint."

"I'm sure she's happy, considering."

"We can't fill that space though. I know it may be odd for someone to find their soul mate at 55, but she did. And there something's been missing ever since he left."

Bethesda, Maryland

Pollock pushed open the door to the spare room that was now Janice's closet and yoga room. She was packing clothes into an overnight bag with such speed that the hangers were still attached to some of them. "What's wrong with Chloe?"

"I would say I don't know but all this lying sets a bad example to the kids; which they already follow."

"So this is it? This is your decision?"

"I'm making it easy on you John; easier on all of us."

"By leaving your children?"

"_Our_ children. I don't know who I am right now but I know I don't like what this house has made me. I'm going to my parents to clear my head."

"Janice they need you."

"How do you know what they need? What do you know about my needs John? Chloe is not an impressionable five-year-old; she has opinions and a mouth to prove it. I don't even know what would make Michael want to ruin his father's career but whatever it was; wasn't healthy. We're not happy here, we can barely breathe, don't you see that?"

"Tell me the truth."

"You haven't heard a word I said."

"I haven't heard a word you haven't said. So tell me the truth."

"John,"

"If you're going leave, I deserve that much from you. There's something you're not telling me. I know it."

"I want to go."

"No. Say it. Tell me why you can't hold on just a little longer. Tell me why you can't stop and think about it. Tell me where your heart is."

She sat down on the white chaise longue. Her bottom lip began to quiver. "I'm sorry John. I'm so sorry. I'm not in love with you; and I haven't been for a while."

Washington, D.C.

"Can you believe the DoD used Homeland Security policy to take the two surviving Mark 9 members that _we_ accosted, into custody?" Jess' anger was anything but discreet as they wrote their case reports.

"Actually I can." Antonio replied. "Count it as a big win regardless. And then think about the Senator; he was the host so they must have a bullet or a bomb with his name on it."

"We secured his home and the surrounding parameter. All we can do is wait for them to strike."

"You're handling the Colin situation well."

"Why are you bringing him up?"

"Because you led the case and set him up to get shot."

"I didn't set him up. Did you set up Nicole when she was undercover with Warfield?"

"Cheap shot Jess."

"I know. Sorry. I saw their kid you know."

"And?"

"You never told me he had TB."

"I hinted, and he's recovering."

"I want that."

"A baby with TB?"

"No, I want to be loved like that, you know, to have some guy break his back moving in with me,"

"You want kids?"

"I want to be with someone I want to have kids with. And right now, more than ever, I don't want to be alone."

Bethesda, Maryland

"I was always alone John, always fighting to be close to you. And I got tired of the struggle. He'd hold me and listen; you never listen. He'd buy my favourite wine, pour me a glass and just…listen."

Washington D.C.

"You don't want just _anyone_ raising your kids Jess. You have to have standards."

"That's just it; I finally know what I want. And yeah, I took the long road but I'm here now."

Bethesda, Maryland

"When I'd try to talk to you it was always the wrong time. I should have known when you acted like you didn't need me anymore. When you'd switch off mid sentence or find some excuse not to be around me." Pollock said. "I wanted to defeat what stood between us but when you don't expect a name and a face; how could I have done that?"

"I know you tried. I felt it, but I was already in and I couldn't lie to you. I guess…I know at some point I didn't want to make it work; because I had Calvin's undivided attention."

"Did you sleep with him?"

"Does it matter? He knew me inside out; he still does."

"Don't stop now; it's worse that way."

"No John, we didn't sleep together."

"Did you kiss?"

"He didn't have to kiss me because…we were already…"

He finished her sentence. "Intimate."

"What do you think they're talking about?" Chloe asked Michael as Joshua stirred the bowl of cake mix.

"Us, them, money, I don't know."

"He knows, and it's all my fault."

"Not everything is about you Chloe so get a grip. If you knew; Dad probably knew ahead of time. I am surprised though, Mom? I never saw that coming."

Janice combed her hair back with her hand. "Sometimes I'd ask myself; what kind of person does this? I thought as long as we keep our clothes on, it's okay, but it's not. Because I let another man give what you should have been giving me. I let him fill me up in places that should only have room for you."

"And now?"

"I want to make it better, I want to hold you and somehow make everything the way it was a long time ago. But I can't."

"Are you in love with him?"

"I can't be."

"Anything is possible, you showed me that."

"That's not what I meant. I can't be because if I was; I would have been able to leave, today, this morning, yesterday and the day before that. But I'm here; packing a bag I may never use, thinking, just thinking about it."

"Why don't you want me to get the job?"

"Because it solidifies the affair you've been in for most of our marriage. She calls, you go. You keep secrets, you tell lies; I stopped competing. Something inside you makes the Bureau so important it takes over. I think you need to figure out what that is."

"I don't know much, but I know I don't want you to ever go. I swear to God you're my sanity."

"That doesn't explain how you feel about her."

"It's my prison. If I could free myself I'd be a different man."

"I do love you; just not the way I used to."

Washington, D.C.

"Jess, is that you?" Toni's worried voice came in perfectly clear despite the distance. I was watching the news this morning and I couldn't believe it. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine Mom, really."

"Is it true an Agent was hit?"

"I can't discuss that right now."

"Jess, you take of yourself."

"How's Morocco?"

"As beautiful as Spain was."

"I've got to go."

"Okay Jess, we love you."

"I love you too." Jess followed Antonio to the elevator. "Where?"

"The Senator's mansion. It seems that Mark 9 have infiltrated; that's what he gets for having a 10-acre backyard."

"Your sympathy inspires me."

"This is Pollock's mess."

"Bur our _team_ is wearing it."

"Exactly; nothing new there."

"You don't have to come if you don't want to,"

"So much for my dramatic exit. Let's get this over with."

Waldorf, Maryland

Nicole pushed the door open and heaved the groceries onto the counter. Nina's coloured files and brochures were scattered across her dining table. She greeted her from behind the laptop.

"What all that?"

"I'm going back to work the week after next so I'm getting a jump start on the _Hot Fun in the Wintertime _account."

"Cool."

"What are you plotting?"

"Me? Nothing."

"You always have that look in your eye when you're about to do something against the rules."

"What look?"

"Your father's look; that you-know-you-shouldn't-but-you're-gonna-do-it-anyway look. The 'I'm sure your dad won't miss his station wagon as long as we get back by 6a.m.' look. The 'cut school and come to Kelly Park with me' look. The 'hold this nickel bag' look. Shall I go on?"

"I'm not up to anything."

"Don't go looking for him. I'm not ready for him to see me like this."

"Ma,"

"Nicole, don't do it. I know exactly where he is and _if_ and when I want to reach him; I will."

"You're the one who always says time is running out."

"That's 'cause you and Antonio were taking too damn long."

"I liked it when you were together. Call me selfish but I need to see you like that."

"Toussaint is not the remedy for my pain; he's just a man."

"A man who had you hiking. _You. Hiking._ And don't tell me you don't miss it; feeling special, getting flowers at work,"

She reminisced. "He did know how to pick good flowers."

"See what I mean? Call him, for me."

"I guess if I don't you will huh?"

"Possibly."

Suitland, Maryland

Antonio stopped telling Agents apart as soon as he recognised DoD, DOJ and FBI jackets. He was in plain clothes as was Jess and his first priority was to preserve his own life, even though Nicole might kill him if she found out where he was. His personal duty wasn't at all to the potential victim, but that didn't stop him from shooting the first person who aimed at him in the neck. Some acres away he could hear four shots, which he identified as coming from a TEC-9. There were no transceivers or earpieces to be found on the grounds and he had no idea where Jess was.

Pollock ran into the study and found Jess on her knees trying to stop the blood seeping from the Senator's wife's chest. There were two recently-used guns on the floor, a Magnum and a Baretta, both belonging to Jess. The Senator was crouched on all fours beneath his desk while Pollock helped Jess keep the victim conscious.


	14. Tug of War Part II

**You didn't think that was all I had to give as far as the Pollocks are concerned did you? What happens when Nina has to take her own advice? This Chapter comes in two parts and that means you get both (13 and 14) - read both as it's confusing otherwise, trust me)at once! I'm so excited about this fic and your feedback makes the experience even more thrilling. *BlindLoveFreeSpirit *Alison *Story101 *Endless Dreamer1024 *dretti. To all the readers thank you so much and keep reading, reviewing, PMing and enjoying it. I finished Ch. 15 today and it gets juicier believe me. Here's Chapter 14.  
**

* * *

"The Metropolitan area of Washington D.C. is no longer cordoned off and the general public have resumed work, school and services bringing the shut-down city back to life. Last week's attempt to assassinate Senator Barhydt came as a shock, but even more so when his wife Femke was shot in the chest when gunmen stormed their stately home. Mrs Barhydt currently lies in a military hospital where she is receiving the Nation's best care for her near-fatal injury…"

Raul Agodelo's face shrunk as Pollock turned off the plasma screen in his office as Nicole, Jess and Antonio stood before him. His eyes were bloodshot, like someone who had spent the night awake, crying. "I'm sure the first question on your minds is,"

"What did Senator Barhydt do to make him number one on Mark 9's hit list?" Jess enthusiastically answered; she didn't get much sleep either.

"Sears is Barhydt's protégé but due to some interesting and sensitive things I know about him; he backed an outsider as the next Deputy Director, to keep me in my position and to keep Sears out."

"What do you know?" Nicole asked.

"Johannes Baryhdt is Simon Tournelles." Nicole and Antonio looked at each other, remembering a potent name from their teenage years. Jess was excluded from their 80's memory.

"You can't be serious; he must have had surgery for days." Antonio suggested. "No, weeks."

"You're right Agent; he did. He had his fingerprints burned off with hydrochloric acid, had cosmetic surgery to his face and body and reinvented himself. He then got educated abroad and returned here after some years in the Peace Corps to climb the ladder."

"He started off as an Alderman in Alaska and worked his way across the country." Nicole added.

"What did he do to begin with?" Jess asked, feeling more stupid by the second.

"As a teenager Tournelles hacked into court records and found a way to wipe hearing from the court system and police records. Criminals and their families were paying him to write them out of the system." Antonio filled her in.

"But what about the people in jail?"

"He would forge pardons and resolved police reports proving them innocent." Nicole shook her head. "Then he's been doing the same thing as Barhydt; the higher he gets the bigger the crimes that go unpunished. Crimes that don't even reach the press or the public. They have motive."

"So the outsider Barhydt voted for is a crook and Mark 9 shot Femke to scare him straight…and because he was hiding under the table." Jess surmised.

"Punk ass." Nicole commented.

"So what do they want with you?" Jess asked.

"When I figure that out I'll tell you. In other news, Agent McNeil was released. The shot to the left arm hit flesh, not bone. Will you be sending muffins, Mastriani?" Jess knew a rhetorical question when she heard one. "I guessed not. Oh and by the way, you lead this case; you take the fall if Internal Affairs find out that you sacrificed your ex-boytoy for the cause. Understood?"

"Perfectly."

Antonio left them to work on another case at the Hoover building. "So, what have you been up to?" Nicole's prodding didn't go amiss.

"Stuff. I had a crazy weekend to be honest. You?"

"You know; saw my mom, bought some shoes,"

"That bad huh?"

"She's feverish and she needs care, but she's going back to work soon and…forget it."

"I'm really sorry Nic, I keep making it all about me and that's because..."

"It _is_ all about you Jess. There's nothing like turning 30 to make you see that. So I understand. I know I've been hard on you but I'm stressed and it's really hard not to have anyone to talk to that I don't take care of, or care for, you know?"

She laughed. "Not really. I like having people there for me,"

"It's not that I don't appreciate it, I do. So who did you conquer this weekend?"

Jess' girlish laugh preceded her tale. "There's this guy I've seen a couple of times at the Shucette Mall,"

"Don't tell me works at Hand E. Hot Dogs."

"He doesn't. Anyway, he had the keys to the manager's office and after his shift was over,"

"You got your jollies at the Mall?"

"_Carpe diem_ Nic. Another thing I learnt from you."

"Well I hope you checked his ID before you slept with _junior_."

"He wasn't that young."

Nicole played with her hair. "I don't blame you; the last days of 29 were good to me too."

"Really? What happened?" Jess' pager vibrated, halting Nicole's revelation. "Damn it. Hopefully Femke's making progress."

"I see you've upgraded from mall boy to doctor. Personal line?"

"Gotta go but not before you tell me who, when and where."

"Isn't it obvious?"

Hillcrest Heights, Maryland

Nina was wearing her 'I know what I'm doing' glasses as she looked over the accounts for the last quarter. She was so relieved to be out of the house and engrossed in the work that she didn't hear the size 11 patent leather shoes walk across her office floor and she didn't notice that she had company. But when that finger forced those glasses up and off her face she began to tingle. "You need to work on your customer service skills."

"And your ass should learn to return calls. I missed you."

"Yeah. My son's baby is due any day now. That's why I'm back."

"You could have emailed but you didn't."

"Come to dinner with me."

"Say please and ask nicely."

"7 o'clock at Nasser, I'll be waiting."

"Ask me."

"Nina, you don't have to come. But if you want to, if you want me,"

"How'd _you_ know that?"

"You didn't kick me out on sight, 7?"

She gave in. "7."

Bethesda, Maryland

"Make the most of it guys; everyone goes back to school tomorrow." Janice announced as she served another batch of waffles. Chloe hadn't broken the silent treatment for days but that didn't stop her appetite from getting the best of her. "Yeah, everything will be back to normal before we know it. Maybe we'll go on vacation."

Michael humoured her. "Where?"

"North Carolina, we could rent a cottage and spend some quality time together. We could go camping like we did when you were little." Chloe pushed away from the table, forcing the chair to squeak against the floor. "Where are you going? We haven't finished talking yet." Chloe didn't look at her mother but she could feel the anger boiling inside her and wondered how long she could hold on until she broke free of the seat. "It's your vacation. Wherever you want to go, whatever you want to do…Chloe?"

"How about Calvin?" She brashly asked. Janice went pale. "Oklahoma. North Dakota. Kentucky."

"Or we could go to Cancun, somewhere hot and fun." Janice hinted.

"Whatever you want."

Riviera Beach, Maryland

"…and I did my residency in St. Louis, where I graduated. But enough about me, did you always want to be in the FBI?"

"No, it was kind of…thrust upon me, I don't regret it though."

"More wine?"

"I think I will."

"Excuse me,"

Jess watched him leave the table as though he was walking in slow motion; he looked just as good from behind. Conceited enough to congratulate herself, she ordered another bottle of chilled Chilean white wine and reclined comfortably in her chair.

Potomac River, Maryland

"I told you there's nothing Injera can't fix." He said as they ate their way through the edible 'tablecloth'.

"Are you really here for the birth of your grandson?"

"Of course. I _wanted_ to check on you."

"Why thank you, you spoil me."

"Come on Nina; you know how it is."

"How is it?"

"Messed up, as I remember."

"Right, because I'm marked now. I'm Untouchable."

"Stop playing the leper; your status didn't make me leave and as I recall, I had no problem touching you."

"So why'd you go? And don't say something about Thyroid cancer and kids,"

"Fine. You didn't take care of yourself and I don't like that. I asked you, pleaded with you, tried to persuade you to get help to keep it under control but you didn't want to be helped. You didn't want to save yourself."

"I'll have you know I'm on meds now and I take them everyday."

"Only because you…forget it."

"Since when did you censor yourself around me? Spit it out."

"When I saw you disregard your life like that, I saw a coward and I can't respect that."

"In all your years you've never seen someone scared Doc? Hmm?"

"You were so scared you couldn't come with me? Hmm?"

"I have a daughter okay?"

"No not okay. You act like she's still a kid but she's not dependent like that and you can't handle it."

"Handle what?"

"You're jealous of Nicole. That's why you wanted to stay so you could experience those vicarious moments; of her fearlessness, her independence even her man."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"I know _you_. I know as much as you hate being helpless you love it if that means Nicole can mother you as though it's the other way round; but if you came with me you would have had to admit you were being selfish and loving it so you stayed."

"And? I love Nicole and Antonio and I don't regret it one bit."

"You do because you're not them. You could have stood up and said you loved me like I love you but you were a coward. And that's why we're not together."

"But that won't stop you coming home with me; I know you."

Bethesda, Maryland

Janice's hands were shaking as she held her car keys. Chloe picked up the cordless phone in the living room where Janice sat, staring into space. As she pulled it away, Janice caught her hand and pulled her closer. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing anymore."

"Please don't go Mom."

"What?"

"Don't go to Calvin."

"Why would you say that?"

"He's been calling again on the cell phone you hide in the laundry room. And you're acting jumpy again."

"It's complicated."

"Dad will kill him if you go near him again. Please."


	15. All is Fair in Love

**Now folks, you didn't think I would write a character like Calvin and not give him a voice. Calvin? Readers. Readers? Calvin. Also, there's a wind of change around Jess as her big 3-0 arrives (Ch 15-16). If Chapter 15 isn't a teaser I don't know what is. *BlindLoveFreeSpirit *Alison *Story101 *Endless Dreamer1024 *dretti. To all the readers thank you so much and keep reading, reviewing, PMing and enjoying it. Here's Chapter 15.  
**

* * *

Nina felt around the other side of the bed, hoping to feel skin, but she felt nothing. Her shoes were on the nightstand alongside her clutch bag and her shawl was draped across a chair. She could smell him, knowing he had been there, even though she didn't wake up to him as she would have liked. Maybe it was the validation of knowing she still had it or the irritation at the truth in what he said the previous night that caused her disappointment at his absence. His kiss was the same; that much she remembered.

_A week later_

Washington, D.C

"So how was your date?" Nicole asked as she offered Jess another Bear Claw.

"With which one?"

"The cardiologist."

"It was great; we went to this wine bar by Riviera Beach, then we went to this club called Inferno, it was their Dub-House night."

"Sounds like you went hard."

"I don't know where he finds the energy after a 14-hour shift but I'm not mad at him."

"And pizza boy?"

"Let's just say, we don't go out in public."

"Be careful burning the candle at both ends; hot wax hurts like a mother…is that her?"

Jess held up her binoculars. "No, she has a softer jaw line."

"I see you're getting over Colin. Shooting him definitely did something for you."

"I didn't shoot him. I wanted to. Besides, they have a family now and I'm working on me."

"Good for you." Nicole's eyes squinted. "That's her. You follow her up to the apartment and I'll take the fire escape."

"Cool."

Loudoun County, Virginia

She sat on his lap, slid off each heel with the opposite foot and leaned back into his chest just like she always did. He smelt the Nina Ricci on her neck. "What's on your mind?"

"John knows and I'm in two minds. The right thing to do is stay for the kids but I can't stop coming back here. All my life I've wanted someone to listen."

"Does John listen?"

"He doesn't hear me. He doesn't understand me anymore so he can't unlock what I tell him."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Lonely. Then I come here and I feel like a cheater; which I am."

"Is this what you call infidelity?"

"It's an emotional affair and nowadays that counts as the same thing. But I don't feel wrong about it; I make myself feel bad for doing it. Face it; we've broken the rules. You're not my psychologist anymore, you're more than that."

"I agree. We're not innocent in this."

"I don't want to be. I just don't care. I'm in love with you and I can't change that."

He softly kissed her neck. "I've been waiting for the day when what we feel is alright but it will never be with the way things are. That's why you can't be my client anymore; it goes against…"

"I know. A part of me has loved having somewhere to retreat to, another life to escape to when it's all too much. But every time I come here I take something from him. I wish we had made love. Then I would have something to quantify this by, something to apologise for, a marker or when and where we crossed the line; but I don't and it's hard for me to see what's wrong in this."

Washington, D.C

Antonio and Nicole were whispering hurriedly without the usual flirtatious lair. Their immediate silence when Jess joined them at the espresso machine was anything but discreet. "What is it?"

Nicole nudged him with her elbow. "Antonio has something to tell you."

"I do not. She shouldn't be hearing it from me."

"Hello I'm standing right here. Don't preserve what's left of my innocence."

He cleared his throat. "I was at the DEA today and…_Colin_ was there."

"And?" She asked.

"He filled her office with orchids and proposed…to her."

"Tell her about the harpist." Nicole insisted.

"I don't even know how they fit it in the elevator." His attempt to crack a joke was unsuccessful.

"A harp? He proposed to her with a harp and orchids? Colin can't even spell 'orchid'."

"Jess," Antonio tried to console her but she was much less upset than she was angry.

"It was at work; at least it wasn't romantic." Nicole tried to soften the blow.

"It was in front of _everyone_ guys; that's as romantic as it gets."

"Are you okay Jess?" Nicole asked.

"I'm fine; if you need me I'll be at the gun range shooting off heads."

Pollock was standing behind her. "Not so fast Agent. The home of Finley Sears was torched six minutes ago, she wasn't in it."

"Where is she?"

Nicole turned around. "I'm here Agent Scott. Missed me?"

Waldorf, Maryland

Nina left the mock-up poster on her computer screen to open the door. Toussaint's smile was responded to with, "So you left me?"

"You were tired; you fell asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow."

"What's going on? Last night you broke down why we're not together but here you are."

"You were right; I'm here for my grandson's birth and then I'm going to Honduras."

"And?"

"And I hope you'll join me this time."

"That's not how it works. You can't just disappear for two years and expect me to run into your arms."

"You knew where I was, I didn't vanish. And who's to say what works and how? You've ever lived that way before."

"I have a job."

"It's not about the money."

"I have a daughter."

"It's not about Nicole either. If you love me…if you love yourself, you'll make the right choice."

"Cocky bastard."

He laughed. "Can I come in or shall we dance for your neighbours?"

She inevitably let him in. "So what are you doing there?"

"I'm standing in at a clinic for children under 5 and their mothers."

"Watching TV all day in a hot ass country waiting for you to come home is not how I want to spend my life."

"How do you want to spend it? You can do accounts from another country."

"And you can treat people _here_."

"It's called Doctors without Borders for a reason."

"More like Doctors without Brains; you're wiling to give up _all_ this?"

"That applies to both of us."

"Clever bastard."

Washington, D.C.

Nicole's clenched jaw only loosened up when it was time to leave. Being around Sears reminded her of being held hostage by a serial killer for thirteen days in West Virginia. Just thinking about it was enough to make her claustrophobic. "Hey." Antonio touched her arm and her eyes were no longer glossed over. "She won't get the job Nic. There's no way she can be our boss."

"There's every way and I won't stand for it." She shoved her decoy clothing into her bag.

"Don't let her get under your skin. She doesn't have the position."

"Yet."

"How about we stop by your mom's on the way home?"

"Toussaint's back in town; she's busy."

"Why don't you tell me what she did that's making you act this way?"

"Because I don't want to."

"Why not?"

"It's nothing to worry about so stop asking."

He hesitantly gave in. "Fine. But you know you can tell me right?"

"Right. What's with you?" She asked Jess who looked like she had just had a vision or hit her head.

"She's a nightmare. I mean, what a bitch. Can you believe she's eyeing office furniture online as we speak? Unbelievable. Any plans tonight?"

"Well,"

Nicole cut him off. "Three's company especially if you need to talk about Colin."

"I'm fine. Tano's taking me out tonight." She quietly left.

Bethesda, Maryland

Chloe and Michael sat through Look Who's Talking Now to keep Joshua quiet and distracted from Janice's absence. Pollock didn't expect to return and fin them all up so late; with no sign of their mother. He called her twice on her cell phone to no avail. Internally boiling he was about to interrogate the elder two whose eyes were deliberately glued to the screen and avoiding contact, when Janice joined them in the living room in a bathrobe with her mid-back length hair dripping wet. She smiled and the children couldn't hide how surprised they were to see her. "Good evening John." He was afraid of what he saw in her. She picked up Joshua and sat him on her lap, pretending to laugh at the screen and kissing his head. He didn't know how to react.

She puffed up the pillow; her hair was still damp and taking its natural wavy curls. She reached for the lamp.

"Don't." He said from underneath the sheets. There was a foot between them. "I want to ask you something."

She sat on her side and rested her feet on the bolster. "Go ahead."

"Why did you…?" He couldn't admit to himself what he wanted to asked or believed to be true. "Whe…where, where were you? Today."

"Out."

"You left the kids alone?"

"They were fine and I wasn't even gone that long. You should have more faith in Michael. He always takes good care of them."

He sat up to face her. "Nearly-drowned girl excluded."

"John, what is this about?"

"You said you needed to clear your head, someone impartial to talk to; why wasn't that enough for you? Why did you have to drive a nail in the coffin?"

"Another nail, you mean. We haven't been on track for a very long time so it's not all my fault."

"But sleeping with him? We are _still_ married, you are still my wife."

"Aren't you even going to ask me? Give me that much John."

"Excuse me?"

"Do you want me to sleep with Calvin so you have something to be angry with and eventually forgive me for? Would it make you feel better?"

"Having a wife on my side would make me feel better."

"Then ask the question."

"Did you have sex with him? _Today_."

"No I didn't. Feeling better?"

"No. I can't, I won't allow this to continue."

"When will you learn you can't control everything? I do not work for you; you can't order me around. You don't care how we got so far apart I had to pay someone to listen to my thoughts and feelings? You don't ask me what I think or how I feel _now_."

"You're not in love with me; I heard that loud and clear the first time."

"That's all? So when I said I wanted you that didn't matter."

"Obviously not because you drove all the way to Loudoun County weeks, days, afterwards to see that sack of crap you say you're in love with."

"Don't insult him for consoling me."

"Don't insult my intelligence by playing the helpless victim because you're loving every minute. You've been waiting for an excuse to leave ever since…"

"Say it John."

"Ever since you kicked me out. And now you're having an affair."

"It's not adultery."

He bit back. "Barely. Then we had Joshua."

"Yeah we did and I have something to tell you."

"Me first. It's official. I'm Deputy Director of the FBI as of Monday."

She laughed. "Well I won't let you trap me with this job and another baby."


	16. Chosen Ones and Brazen Birthdays

**Remember that wind of change I told you all about...well Jess turns 30 in this chapter and it's...eventful. It's amazing what you can hear when you eavesdrop. For the record, Janice is not pregnant.**** As always, enjoy ****Chapter 16.**

* * *

Michael turned off Natalie Imbruglia's first album and woke Chloe up. Her plan to use Joshua's old baby monitors to listen in on her parents' conversations had backfired as she has gotten too much information. She couldn't concentrate at school and her restlessness and snappy attitude had become a trademark. "You need to stop crying. You've been like this since you got back from school."

"I wasn't crying. You didn't hear what they said."

"You've told me over and over so drop it. Whatever's gonna happen has been coming for a long time, no-one could stop it."

"He has more money now Michael. That means he'll get custody of us when she moves in with Calvin."

"She's not moving in with anyone."

"Why not? She wants him more than she wants us."

"Get a grip. It doesn't work like that. She'll get custody because she actually takes care of us. If she moves out, which she won't 'cause everyone knows the guy gets stiffed and she gets half, she won't live with him."

"How'd you know?"

"Because Mom's not like that; she can't have Josh calling someone else Daddy, even by accident."

"This is all your fault; if you hadn't…"

"Shut up. With all the eavesdropping you did, you haven't figured out he had her followed? He knew longer than you did and I had nothing to do with that."

"You let everyone know how bad it was."

"We always knew; what I did shed light on it."

"So you wanted this to happen?"

"I never thought I'd get caught so no. But now it's happening I don't want it to stop. I don't want it to be the way it was."

"Leave me alone."

Washington, D.C.

"So Jess, any plans?" Nicole asked while reading the map on the table. "It's the big 3-0, you have to do something."

"I don't want to celebrate it. Unless it's under the covers with a giant tub of gingerbread ice cream and…"

"Your new hottie, Dr what's-his-face?"

"His name is Tano, Dr Tano Glevau, and he's not a hottie. He's abstract."

Antonio interrupted their girl talk. "Is that P.C. for he has three nipples?"

Jess grabbed the evidence bag as they laughed at her. "He's a different kind of attractive, that's all."

"Tell that your babies Jess." Nicole's wisecrack was unappreciated but Jess laughed anyway.

"Do you think Pollock will change now he's the D.D.?" Jess asked.

"He's always been a power lord; I don't know if he can quantify it anymore." Antonio marked up the evidence bags on Jess' desk. "Power's like money, after a while you don't feel the effects of having more, but when you lose it, you lose your mind."

"I'll remember that when I get my next bonus."

"You deserve a raise Jess." Antonio said.

"I agree. In fact, go in there now and ask for it. No, demand it."

"I can't do that."

"Why not?" Antonio egged her on.

"Jess, if you don't stand up now and exploit Pollock' promotion someone else will. And when we're sipping thirty-year-old champagne in Martha's Vineyard, you'll be stuck in the office missing out on all the fun."

"You know what? You're right. I've been putting in the hours."

"You sure have." Antonio replied, holding back the laughter.

"And I didn't complain when my last increment was only 2%."

"And they didn't even offer you more. Get your money girl." Nicole encouraged her as Jess put on her blazer and strutted off to Pollock's office. They shut the door and burst out laughing.

"It never gets old."

"I know babe. That'll teach her; like the after-school specials say…"

"Don't give in to peer pressure."

Full of vigour and ready for confrontation, Jess approached Pollock's door and noticed a quarter-inch gap in the door. She didn't know who was inside but she knew better than to walk away.

"…with her experience we've decided she is the best candidate for the job."

"Are you sure about that sir?" Pollock asked, refilling the Inspector General's glass of Port.

"I know it's a controversial decision and she's rough around the edges but her solve rate and tireless dedication to the Bureau has not gone unnoticed."

"She's never held a position of this stature sir, maybe with a few years more training..."

"She cannot be trained. You said it yourself; everything she knows is beyond what we could teach her and as I hear, she's a born leader."

"I don't know how my team will react, sir. Repositioning her may be met with some resistance from inside and outside this office. She's been known to tick off military figures."

"But many Judges have spoken highly of her. I understand your reservations but our mind is made up. Nicole Scott _is_ your successor, of course this is off the books at this point, but do inform and congratulate her on my behalf."

Hillcrest Heights, Maryland

Nina was watching _Amor jamás envejece_ at her office when Toussaint called in with lunch and baby pictures. "Why do you watch something you don't understand?"

"Drama is universal. See, Cochita's fiancé Rio just found out that during the hurricane Conchita took shelter in the Hilaria's basement and following a near-death experience, they shared an illicit kiss. Now he's calling her a lesbian but everyone knows she's Catholic." He laughed at her.

"Who takes shelter in a basement during a hurricane? Isn't that a sure-fire way to get crushed?"

"It's called suspension of disbelief. You should try it some time."

"That's ridiculous, that stuff never happens."

"Until you've been in a hurricane with another man; don't crack on my novela." She flipped through the pictures. "Cute baby. It's a shame Nicole's so unreasonable; I'd be a good grandma."

"I bet. So when can you come?"

"Damn. Can I eat first?"

"I'm leaving next week."

"I thought you had a month."

"So did I, but Dr. Oyewole's going on maternity leave sooner than she thought. So when can you come?" Nina stuffed her mouth with Callaloo. "Oh, this is Nina's I-don't-want-to-do-it-so-I'd-rather-stall act."

She swallowed. "Listen. I _want_ to go. I _will_ go but I have a doctor's appointment first. Then, I will join you, okay?" She said abrasively, stuffing more food in her mouth.

He smiled in face of her attitude.

Washington, D.C.

Nicole, Jess and Antonio had been preparing evidence for the Mark 9 evidentiary hearing for four hours, by 11p.m. it was wearing thin.

"Paper cups?" Jess exclaimed. "They want to present twelve used paper cups at the hearing?"

"Whatever it takes to prove identity." Antonio signed another form. "I know it's a pain in the ass. Welcome to Forensics. Shouldn't you be off somewhere counting down the last hour?"

"Why are you so into my birthday? Nicole's the one who should celebrate."

"Celebrate what?" He asked.

"Nothing."

"She's been in his office for an hour. What is it?"

"She'll probably kill me if I tell you. Let's just wait." Her cell phone vibrated and she used the call to get away from him. "Jess Mastriani,"

"You free tonight?"

"Sorry I'm still on the clock. What'd you have in mind?"

"I thought we could bring your birthday in with a bang."

"And I've been so good thus far."

"My shift ends at 1, can you get off by then? I've got presents."

"Okay."

Nicole threw her head back and look to the sky after hearing Pollock's news. "I don't know what to say. I thought you and Janice would make it."

"So did I."

"I'm really sorry to hear that."

"That's not to take away from your achievement Scott. Your name wasn't even mentioned that weekend, I had no idea this was on the cards for you."

"Well that's my decision, don't you think?"

"Of course. I hope whatever decision you make; it's one you're happy with."

"Same to you and Janice. I never knew you were so unhappy."

"Well, before this spreads throughout the office and beyond; I want you to know there's no-one who deserves this position more than you and that's why I urge you not to take it."

"Excuse me?"

"What I thought was the strongest, permanent part of my life has fallen apart on my watch because the only time I acknowledged was that spent here. Don't do it Nicole. Don't let this run your life and your marriage into the ground and don't expect Antonio to play second best with a smile."

"I'll give it thought and thanks for telling me ahead of time."

Jess and Antonio were both waiting outside the office for her. She broke both news items at once and the shock took over them. "I think we should call it a night." Nicole proposed after another silent hour and a half of work.

"Me too." Antonio didn't lift his head.

"Cool." Jess got up.

"Happy birthday Jess." Nicole said as a goodbye and looked at Antonio who avoided eye contact.

"Yeah, happy birthday Jess. Make it count."

Alexandria, Virginia

"Are we gonna talk about it?"

He kissed her. "No."

"Antonio,"

"It's your decision. It's your job so do whatever you want."

"_That's_ supportive." She replied facetiously.

"I don't want to feel guilty this morning."

"Neither do I. I don't know what to think; I've never been an A.D. before and I never thought I had a shot. Is this about my being your boss? Because if it is,"

"It's not. It's about us."

"Okay…"

"We've been clicking for years now; you wanna throw that away to become the next Pollock? I didn't marry that person."

"It's just a title."

"No. It's a way of life. I'm not a bulldozer Nic. I don't believe in treating people that way."

"Why are you so quick to assume the power would corrupt me and split us up?"

"Because I don't want to take any chances. I just wanna love you," he held her hand, "and be proud of you," he kissed it, "and know everything you're doing is for more than us. Nic," She pulled her hand away. He regretted his honesty.

Woodbridge, Virginia

"Wake up birthday girl," Jess shook her head and rubbed her nose against a cushion before she realised she was on the sofa.

"What happened?" She asked, her voice sounding light but scratchy.

"We had a great time. You were incredible." He kissed her forehead and she sat up.

"So we never made it to the bed?" She rubbed her head and got her bearings.

"With some breakfast I'm sure you'll remember. Coming up."

"Where'd you find the energy? I feel like I haven't slept in days."

"I'll take that as a compliment. I hope it wasn't too much for you; I don't do it all the time."

She was starting to remember and the Polaroid-like images that came to mind were quite impressive. It's fine."

"Really?"

"Yeah; I feel great…but hungry."

"Coming right up." She tried to comb some order into her hair then lay back on the sofa to gather her thoughts.

Washington, D.C.

"Do you think Jess will show up or do you think she's recovering?"

"Yeah, sure." Nicole replied, blocking out whatever he was saying.

"What?"

"What?"

"I know I came on strong this morning."

"You sulked all night."

"I don't sulk."

"Sure."

"That's how I feel. Do you want me to lie?"

"I want space to make my own decision without you placing conditions on it?"

"So I'm not a factor?"

"You say that position will make me a despot then illustrate how well you can act like one."

"I'm not telling you what to do."

"You're telling me what not to do. Same difference. You said clicking."

"And?"

"Clicking means doing whatever keeps you in your comfort zone."

"I happen to like being close to you and having you to myself."

"There. You said it."

"I won't take it back."

"Don't. I'm taking these files to the Hoover building anyway."

"Why can't we be normal and enjoy each other?"

"Do you know me? Straight answer."

"Yes."

"What's my middle name?"

"Zora."

"Have I got your back?"

"Yes,"

"Do you trust me to make the right decision? Straight answer."

"I'll have to."

"Exactly. Catch you later."

Woodbridge, Virginia

Jess brushed her teeth after taking a shower and looking in the mirror she remembered seeing her reflection there earlier that morning. She ran her finger over her gums thinking of fairy dust, that magical dust he sprinkled everywhere. She had a flashing thought but shook it off like a false vision. She brushed harder. She remembered how they made it to the sofa, how his kisses descended, resting his head on her inner thigh, as it hurt in the best way possible. Then what they had done became clear. She called for him.

"What's up?"

"What we did last night…"

"You were alright with it; I didn't force you."

"I know. And it was incredible. But I don't know if we can do this again."

"I wanted to do something out of it for your birthday; we don't ever have to do it again. That's how it works, you decide."

_And if I want to?_


	17. Diagnosis: I love you

**Welcome to the world(s) of Jess and Nina. ****Chapter 17 is all for you and for you all.**

**Special shout-out to BlindLovefreeSpirit for an awe-inspiring Chapter 9.  
**

* * *

_Two weeks later_.

Diagnostic Health Center, Waldorf, Maryland

Dr. Riabovil welcomed her in and noticed a radical change from when she saw her last. "I see you're coping much better than before."

"You could say that."

"Did you bring the side effects diary?"

"Yeah but I quit writing after a month."

"How are you feeling now?"

"Fine."

She read through the diary. "Have you had any reactions since you stopped writing?"

"I get tired sometimes and my throat is little bit sore, but it's nothing. It's just that time of year."

"Body aches?"

"No."

"Okay."

"October is cold season, there's nothing to worry about right?"

"I'd rather take a blood test to be sure. Can you get on the scales for me?"

She stepped on. "I _have_ been taking care of myself you know,"

"I'm sure you have. You've lost weight Nina."

"But I've been eating. Nicole buys my groceries."

"I told you about Wasting. You haven't reached 5% but you're nearing it. We need to up your calorie intake; try shakes and multivitamins."

"Every time I come here you look at me like I'm doing something wrong."

"I don't think that at all. I'm here to help you manage it. Have a seat."

"What's wrong with me?"

"Don't think like that. After the blood test results come back, we'll know more."

_So much for Honduras_.

Bethesda North Hospital, Bethesda, Maryland

Relieved to hear that Femke's slow and steady progress had taken her from intensive care to the cardiology ward, Jess was leaving the hospital with a medical report for the hearing when she bumped into someone familiar. His coffee spilled over the floor causing the janitor to curse them both under his breath.

"Tano. I heard you weren't in."

"I'm not supposed to be as I worked the night shift but the records were a mess. You haven't returned my calls."

"I could say I've been busy at work but…that's not entirely true."

"How about I get some med students to sort out the office and you and I grab some coffee?"

"Sure."

Loudoun County, Virginia

After getting a shoulder-length layered haircut, Janice strutted down the street with the bag from her $10000 shopping spree and found Pollock waiting at her car.

"I thought you were sorry." He said as she put the bags in the boot.

"I'm sorry we reached this point as a family."

"So you come shopping to show off for your boyfriend with my money."

"I haven't seen Calvin and I have as much right to spend our money as you do. I see you're finally doing your own dirty work, spying on me? That's pathetic."

"Whoop it up Janice. Enjoy the last days."

"Don't threaten me. I happen to like this mall; it's huge. Why'd you cut your hair?"

"Because I wanted to and I can."

"When it's over, it's over Janice. Do you really want that?"

"Why can't you just talk to me? Why does everything have to be an ultimatum, an order or some play for power? I _don't_ work for you."

"You're right, you don't. How did we get this far?"

"I don't know John; but I can't pretend to be happy for another day and I'm ready to take the next step. What do you want to do?"

Washington, D.C.

"…and after the fight, argument I mean, he stormed out and I haven't seen him since."

"Okay. I have a description, some pictures, contact numbers of his friends, I'll find him." Nicole said assuredly.

"That's it?" The mother asked.

"She's that good." Antonio told her.

"We'll call you as soon as we know anything." Nicole walked the woman to the elevator then asked, "What was the ass kissing about?"

"You know how I feel about that position."

"Yeah, the seventeen variations of disapproval rang clear."

"But I shouldn't hold you back. So if you want to take that position then I'll support you."

"You're lying."

"I am not."

"You went up an octave; you're lying."

"I _will_ support you…and I'll leave the Bureau."

"I can't believe you. You're calling my bluff."

"I can make a lot more money doing less work at Georgetown, government research is…"

"A crock of shit. What's this really about?"

"I can't work for you Nic. The only work I'll do under you is in private."

A trio of onlookers from the white collar department blew their cover by laughing at loud.

"So you want to embarrass me?" She replied, significantly louder.

"I didn't mean for them to hear." He whispered.

"Jackass."

Cup o' Joe's coffee shop, Bethesda, Maryland

"If you have to go I understand." He said in response to the flashing light on her silent phone.

"No, it's fine. I've got time."

He leaned in towards her. "About that night," the waiter tapped his shoulder with the coffee pot, separating them.

"Hi." He greeted Jess as he filled their cups. She didn't respond.

"We'd like two cinnamon swirls and a raspberry muffin please." Tano said, sending him away. "You know him?"

"No, now where were we?" She slid her hand over his, seeing the waiter's reflection in the napkin dispenser.

"Am I right to guess that was your first time?"

"Does it make a difference? Yes, it was."

"It means I gave you something no-one else has and I hope you're okay with that."

"Would I be here if I wasn't?"

"True."

"There is something I'd like to know though."

"Sure."

"Did we…do everything?"

"We didn't go all the way. I like to save the best for last."

"Me too." The waiter coughed. "I can wait."

"Good because I've loved spending time with you and I want us to be exclusive."

"Really?"

"Think about it, no pressure."

"I will and I didn't thank you for my birthday." She leaned across the square table to kiss him and the waiter looked on bitterly.

Washington, D.C.

"Hey baby." Nicole got off the phone and noticed that Nina's twist-and-chew strand of hair was wet. That nervous idiosyncrasy told her all she needed to know.

"It's getting worse?"

Nina nodded, playing for comfort. "Every time I take two steps forward…"

"Nope. No pity Ma. We knew something like this could happen; now we're playing the waiting game with the blood test." She gave her a much needed hug and strokes her head as though they had traded roles.

"I miss Toussaint."

"I know you want to be with him and you will."

"Don't you mind?"

"He loves you and so do I."

"Is Antonio still being a caveman?"

"He's trying to put me off because he thinks I'll be the next target, but that's not for him to decide. This is my decision. If he wants to leave so badly he shouldn't use me as an excuse."

"He's protecting what's his."

"That's just it. We have a life together, I'm not a possession."

"Maybe he's misplacing his anger, as I recall neither of you have been happy here for a while."

"You aint lying."

"Looks like we've both got a lot on our minds."

"You said it."

"Sometimes you have to use those wings you shield us under to fly with."

"I hear you."

Hyattsville, Maryland

Jess dragged herself in after another long day at work and found the waiter talking to the doorman in the foyer. "What are you doing here?"

"Making sure we avoid light; isn't that what vampires do?"

"Can we do this upstairs?" Jess pulled him away from the doorman, who already knew everything that happened in the building regardless. "I didn't call you." She said, throwing her gym bag on the sofa.

"I know what we have is impersonal but did you have to embarrass me by bring him to where I work?"

"I didn't know you worked there too. I thought you worked at the mall."

"That's my weekend gig."

"Well I'm sorry about that."

"No you're not. I saw the way he looked at you, like he's in love with you."

"And if he is?"

"Then maybe you shouldn't be doing me on call."

"What are you, my conscience? I've earned the right to make my own decisions and until Tano and I make it official that's what I'm going to do."

"Not with me. I work two jobs and I go to college at night; I don't deserve to be ignored in public."

"You're a really nice guy…."

He cut her off. "What's my name?" After she spent two long thinking he replied, "Just like I thought. Women complain about a lack of good men but when you find one you won't give him the time of day unless he meets your superficial standards. Then you become a different person."

"Are calling me fake?"

"How about we call it even and you don't call at all?"

After he left, she thought about her birthday and how she should have been outraged and repelled by it but she wasn't. Somehow violating a promise she made her parents as a teenager, the night she was officially 'full grown', was justified by the fact she had enjoyed it so much.

Loudoun County, Virginia

"I can't remember the last time we had dinner together." Janice sat back, fatigued by the weight of her lobster bisque.

"Me neither."

"It was nice."

He took her hand. "I love you."

She pulled away but he didn't let go. "John, don't do this."

"I know it's too little too late but I can't stop trying."

"Because you have to win. For once, just do what makes me happy, can you do that?"

"I don't want to give up on us."

"When we had Joshua I thought you were trying but it took months for you to backslide and here we are; in the same spot we were four years ago. History's repeating itself."

"I want to be able to give you what you need."

"What I need is a partner and I've cheated myself of that for so long because I put our family before me. I put you before me."

"I never knew you felt that way."

"Do you know why I feel it's the end?" He shook his head. "Because I don't believe you're in love with me anymore; I can't keep your interest. Now doesn't count."

"So this is it?"

"Yes."

_Two weeks later_,

Diagnostic Health Center, Waldorf, Maryland

Nina and Nicole's hands were clasped together in the doctor's office. Dr. Riabovil brought up her file on the computer and looked through the test results in the folder.

"The good news is your viral load has decreased slightly since you started taking medication which means your body's responding well to the ARVs. Unfortunately you have acute toxoplasmosis. We found toxoplasma gondii cells in your blood."

"In English?" Nina asked.

"It's a parasite that most people come into contact with but it doesn't have symptoms and they usually make a full recovery. In your case; your immune system is less strong."

"You mean weaker." Nina said.

"_Less strong_." Nicole repeated.

"Yours can be treated. I'm prescribing pyrimethamine and sulfadiazine for six weeks then you can come back and…"

"I'm going to Honduras." She interrupted. "My man is waiting for me."

"Your health is a priority."

"But he,"

"I can't tell you what to do, but as your physician I'd love to see you pull through and that requires choices. You have to choose what's worth fighting for; I say you life, but it's not my choice. In the meantime, take good care of yourself and take these drugs as instructed. The receptionist will call you when your next appointment is due."

Nicole drove her home and the only noise permitted was the Macy Gray album. "I can call work and tell them I need a few more hours."

"No, you go. I need to call him."

"Okay." She kissed her cheek and she went up to her apartment alone.

Bethesda North Hospital, Bethesda, Maryland

Dr. Mkhize turned off the light projector the x-ray pictures were on. After his five-minute explanation the only words Colin and Desirée needed to hear were "Ryan has fully recovered" which he translated into "your son is TB free."

Washington D.C.

The Inspector General, Attorney General, Director of the FBI, some members of the Maryland and Virginia's State Senates, Senator Barhydt, Pollock and some other people Nicole didn't recognise were waiting for her on the elusive eighth floor. She was wearing a silver-grey tuxedo inspired suit. She took the last seat, opposite from the head of the table, and took the position of an Assistant Director of the FBI. Jess and the other Agents speculated in the bullpen as Nicole's office was emptied. Antonio went down the car park and watch Nicole say goodbye to the 'guests'. She laughed, she charmed, she looked like one of them; and he was jealous.


	18. Envy Eats Itself

**So I couldn't leave you without another fix of Toussaint, Calvin and Tano, especially since life's volume seems to get turned up much louder when they're around. I won't tell you what's coming but I promise it's good. (I'm writing Ch. 22 now.) Light bulb! I'm posting two now. Enjoy Chapter 18.  
**

* * *

When they lay down that night Antonio had the feeling he had when Nicole got a cosmetic skin graft to remove the scars on her back. Something was lost, something he knew of her that was no longer there and it was unsettling.

"Did you have to take the job?"

"No. I chose to."

"So you think this is good for us?"

"I think it's a great opportunity and gives me the edge I needed; it wasn't challenging anymore. Why do you choose us Antonio?"

"Choose who?"

"Trailblazers. Anna and I aren't that different, give or take an Uzi, she loves her work and she loves her family even harder. You came to us, we attracted you, so why is my getting ahead bringing out the caveman in you?"

"Because that unchallenging time for you, was the best time we've spent together."

"I can't be both bored and happy Antonio. That's like asking me to stick to one position."

"This is so beyond sex."

"What are you afraid of? Janice fell in love with someone else and she doesn't want to be with him because she's not happy. _I_ want no-one but you. So if you think this job was some declaration of independence from you you're wrong."

"I hope you're right. I hope this job doesn't do to us what it did to them and I hope you like what you see up there because you're one of them now."

"It's a job, not a lobotomy. Why is my commitment to you the first thing to be scrutinised? Maybe your insecurity's the problem."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Stop thinking about it. Let me do what I was born to do."

"What do you mean?"

"My parents were criminals; I'm in the FBI. I majored in Economics; I'm in the FBI. I can't have children; I'm in the FBI. Every plan, every job, every relationship led me here and it's the one place I've stayed. So I'm maybe meant to be A.D, like I'm meant to be your wife, because it's my destiny."

"You really believe that?"

"Yes." So when her new Maserati Gran Turismo was waiting in the driveway, he pretended to be happy for her.

Waldorf, Maryland

Nina ripped off the "No more Billie Holliday" post-it note Nicole put on her fridge and decided that one long cry to "My Man" was enough. Ray's song, as she called it, was the first one she played when she wanted to vomit feelings buried at the pit of her stomach. She grabbed the phone. "You can't come, can you?"

"No."

"Then I have to come to you."

"That's a long flight."

"I'll work twelve days straight and build up time off for you until you can get here. Did they tell you what it is?"

"Toxoplasmosis."

"Acute?"

"Yeah."

"Take good care of yourself."

"I wish everyone would stop telling me that."

"It can damage your eyes and brain so it's worth hearing just one more time."

"Babe, I wish you hadn't taken that job."

"Don't think about that, focus on you and I'll be there as soon as I can."

"I don't want to do this anymore."

"Don't say that. You have to fight."

"But I'm scared." He could hear her crying. "I don't wanna go blind. I need you right now. I just need you to hold me." There was lump in her throat.

"I love you and it's hard for me to hear you like this but I know Nicole got her fighting spirit from somewhere. And that comes from you."

"She's stronger than I am."

"No. You turned your life around and you had no-one to lean on. You didn't have to crutch of a good education or a second chance. You made your own chance. So you have to stand up for every time you couldn't and be brave for every time you cowered. And I'll see you."

"When?"

"Sooner than you think."

_A month later_

Washington D.C.

Jess handed Antonio some water. He often isolated himself from other Agents by doing interdepartmental work in his office. "I've heard she's expanding the Missing Persons Task Force." She said.

"_Our_ team?"

"Someone needs to replace Nic and there aren't enough White Collar Agents to spare. She didn't tell you?"

"We don't talk about work anymore. Besides, she's not allowed to tell me what she's working on."

"Oh. I thought you'd handle this differently."

"How?"

"I pictured you being a lot happier. At least you have freedom over your work while we're being evaluated."

"I hate it when she's right." Jess gave him the 'go on' face. "She said something a while back. About Anna."

"They _are_ similar." He looked up. "I've thought that since Tamara went missing."

"I know no-one can tie her down and I didn't think I could but,"

"You liked thinking you could and got comfortable."

"Yeah."

"Look, there's something you can give her that no-one in her life has ever been able to and that's what she holds onto, what makes her believe. After all we're not really who we are _here_. It's what we do off the clock that counts."

Nicole signed the contracts on her desk and handed them to Pollock. "With the upcoming trial we'll need extra security in the Metropolitan Area which is why I want to increase the amount of Field Agents by 4% and admin workers by 2%. The workload is getting too much for us to be as efficient as we were before Mark 9 started taking off heads." She suggested.

"If you can manage them, it's a smart move. You know Finley Sears is set to testify?" She nodded. "And besides the usual security detail the Director decided you would be best on the front line."

"I have to make sure she doesn't get shot?"

"Yes. I know it's unusual but this could play in your favour."

"It could also get me capped in the ass."

"Naturally. So you'll do it?"

"Sure. How have you been?"

"Off the record?

"Of course."

"I agreed to move out and I received the papers two weeks ago."

"I…"

He held up his hand to stop her. "I know you're sorry. Thank you." He cleared his throat. "Being practical; I found a three-bedroomed house in Chevy Chase near to their school."

"Good, they can see you anytime."

"I'm renting so it won't be as…"

"Permanent. I know we're not a position to be friends but if I was your friend I would advise you to make it as civil as possible before a court and two lawyers tell you what your marriage and your stake in it were worth."

"If you were my friend and I was to confront a third party and even act irrational would you…"

"Keep it to myself? Absolutely. But the marriage is enough; don't lose your kids too." He took the contracts with him and she added to the list of lies she had to tell Antonio.

Loudoun County, Virginia.

"I shouldn't take up time meant for your patients." He rubbed the back of her neck, reminding her it was an erogenous zone.

"It's a slow day. Tell me what's going on."

"It's official. John and I are getting a divorce. Actually that's why I'm here. I need you to step back for a while. I am still married after all."

"That doesn't mean I can't be your friend."

"I don't think we were ever friends, we went from psychologist-client to something more."

"I thought you wanted something more."

"I do. I _really_ do." She pulled his hand away and held it in hers. "But I don't want Chloe _or_ Michael to think this is okay. A separation isn't a free pass. So let's cool it down, at least 'til it's over."

"Can I still see you?"

"Sure."

"Good." He pulled her in at the waist and kissed her hungrily. If I hadn't have felt so good she would've pulled back but it didn't so she didn't until she noticed the time. "I have to…" She searched for an excuse to leave but nothing came. "Don't do that again."

He smirked. "Why not?"

"Because if you do; I'll be a worse mother than I already am."

"There's always tension between a mother and her first daughter, you and Chloe are no different, no more or less combustible. Talk to her. And whenever you need to, talk to me."

Hillcrest Heights, Maryland

Nina switched from _Amor jamás envejece_ to the Channel 5 news. Pollock and Barhydt walked up the stairs to the courthouse then Nicole and Finley Sears followed. "That's my baby." Nina bragged to her co-workers.

Washington, D.C.

Antonio hid the cream and green card under the paper on his desk when Jess came into his office. "What are you hiding?"

"Nothing."

"You can't protect me. What is it?"

"They're getting married at the Ceresville Mansion in January and Nicole and I were invited." Jess didn't say anything. "I'm really sorry Jess. If you want, we won't go, I can RSVP now."

"No don't."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Femke was released from hospital this morning."

"Good. Did you come to tell me something?"

She shook her head awkwardly. "Just that."

Bedford, Virginia

Nicole and Finley arrived at the secluded hideout home in the mountains. "I told you you wouldn't get shot; they're waiting for the trial." Nicole said sardonically as she escorted her into the two-bedroom cabin.

"You really should have outgrown that grudge by now Scott. You're the one who wanted to go undercover."

"So why did it take thirteen days to find me? You knew where I was."

"You're right; I wanted to see where your loyalties were after all I'd heard about Phoenix. But it all worked out in the end."

"How?"

"You're still here aren't you?"

"Of course; sitting in what would have been your shiny seat."

She laughed. "I still don't understand that. You should have been fired a long time ago."

"Maybe. You'll be moving until the trial. More than once."

"When?"

"Whenever so don't get too comfortable. I have to give you credit; demanding cable, a foot spa and a fully-stocked fridge was a smart move. If not indulgent."

"We're more alike than you think; I too would emasculate my husband to climb the ladder, but I don't have a husband. Too much dead weight."

The Roundhouse restaurant, Takoma Park, Maryland

"I thought you liked that band."

"I do and thanks for taking me." Jess had trouble masking how upset she was.

"What's up? You've barely touched your steak."

"I don't think we should have come here. Too many memories."

"Okay, we can go anywhere."

"Stop being nice to me. You're making it worse." She teared up.

"Tell me what's wrong."

"You see that guy at the bar, the one with the crew cut?"

"Yeah."

"And the guy at the jukebox? And that guy who barged into you at the concert?"

"What about them?"

"I've been with all of them; that's why they look at us that way. My ex is getting married and we used to come here all the time. And the only reason I act like you doing coke isn't a big deal is because even since he got with her; I can't be alone. You don't wanna be with me."

"I _do_."

"I don't know if I can be with you."


	19. The Greatest, the Best and the Only

**Jess, Jess, Jess...sometimes everyone needs a dose of reality, she gets three. Maybe Nina can have what she wants but for how long? Enjoy Chapter 19.  
**

* * *

"I'm leaving." Nicole looked at him like she had never met him before, like she was searching for parts of him that looked familiar, like he came from her past but she couldn't remember when or where. "I wanted you to know first." Her eyes facetiously said 'thanks for the honour' as she pulled back the comforter. "Georgetown wants me to write for their journal, I can control my own time." She lifted the pillows of the floor and put them back in place. "I don't want you to be angry."

"Too late." She said musically, adjusting the babydoll she had on.

"Why?" He asked, trying hard to concentrate on what the felt, not what he could see.

"Because you act like you don't care when all the while it's a competition."

"Between who?"

"Me and you." She stated as though it was obvious. "I get it; you can't stand my having more clout than you."

"That's not true." He hated having her read him; it made his psychology minor more and more insignificant.

"You and Anna started off just like we did; working together on a level playing field, As long as she made District Attorney you couldn't handle it."

"I couldn't handle having a wife who was always away; having a wife who didn't need me. And that's _not_ the reason why I'm leaving." Her folded arms demanded an explanation. "Okay, I admit I'm a little bit jealous but I can't see myself growing old in the Bureau and this is the perfect compromise."

"I don't understand."

"You're the legend and you were right; this _is_ your destiny. And I'm okay with that, but _I_ don't want it anymore. Somewhere what was civil became too political; that's not me."

"So you want space to rule in your own domain?"

"Something like that."

"Then I guess I have to accept that, I don't have to like it but I get it."

"All that matters to me is us anyway."

She smiled. "Right now, 'us' is the heaviest ball in the air."

"What'd you mean?"

"My mom is waning, I can hear it when we speak, and I've never been as scared for her as I am now."

"You're not the mother Nic."

"It's all I know. And I know it's selfish."

"What is?"

"Expecting her to be my salvation but I still do. It's stupid."

"It's not. It's idealistic." She threw the pillow at him. "In a good way." He pulled her back into bed with him. "You're getting soft."

"Am not."

He kissed her. "I like that."

"Well maybe a little bit. Georgetown Journal huh? I guess your name would look good in print."

He lifted the babydoll up over her head. "What's a writer without a groupie?"

"I have a meeting at 9.30." He paralysed her with that spot where her neck met her collarbone. "M-m-make that 10."

Washington, D.C.

Jess cancelled the fifth incoming call from Tano in as many days as she walked in the pharmacy. She gave her name to the man at the counter and waited patiently for her at-home B12 shots until her body was jolted. "Excuse you." Jess snapped at the unapologetic offender.

"You?" Desirée's way of addressing her was far from friendly. She laughed. "You just pop up anywhere don't you? I'm surprised you have the gall to look me in the face after what you did to Colin."

Jess felt herself getting red with guilt but her face didn't show it. "I don't what you're talking about."

"Like hell you don't. Colin pumping you for information was wrong but what you did was evil."

"Isn't that a _tad_ dramatic?"

Desirée grabbed her by the arm and pulled her in so their faces were almost touching. "We have a son who's only known his father for six months, Ryan had a life-threatening illness and you would've taken Colin from him because he doesn't want you? That was _so_ callous. I hope when you have children they never know or feel how selfish you really are." She let go. "Three years ago I would've blown your brains out but you're not worth it." The man returned with both their prescriptions and they took separate aisles on their way out and both went back to work.

Hillcrest Heights, Maryland

Nina finished the proposal and would have joined her co-workers in the TV room to watch _Amor jamás envejece_ if they hadn't all left. Toussaint was waiting on the recliner. She smiled. "What's the latest?"

"I think the blonde one,"

"Conchita."

"…is planning on jilting the guy…"

"Rio."

"…but the brunette,"

"Hilaria."

"…wants her to go through with it because…that's all I know. Come here."

Nina crashed on his lap. "It's because Hilaria can't have kids and if Conchita gets pregnant she can steal the baby. Where is everybody?"

"I bribed them with free lunch." He gripped her waist and never mentioned it was smaller than he remembered. "More importantly, how are you?"

"I'm getting by."

"By lying yeah."

"What would you know?"

"I know you're gonna give that girl a heart attack. She worries."

"So you've got to time to call Nicole and keep tabs on me?"

"I know you; the truth changes colour depending on the light."

"Eve's Bayou, you remembered." Getting sentimental didn't distract him. "I don't know if I was made for this but I guess I don't have a choice."

"You always do; choose life. Death's not even on its way and you're greeting it in with open arms."

"I'm not!"

"That's what I hear when you put down the phone, when you promise you'll fight it just to shut me up. Don't do it for me or anyone else. Fight for the joy of living. Like the way you walk and the way you sass me and the way you call me a bastard and make it sound musical."

"You know me inside out, huh?"

"My life would be very different if I hadn't met you Miss Chambers."

"God I love you." She undid a few buttons and slipped her hand under his shirt. "My very own Chocolate Ken."

"Keep smiling love."

Bar-B-Cue Restaurant and Snooker Bar, Washington, D.C.

"What's the emergency?" Nicole slid into the booth where Jess was waiting.

"Emergency? I called you three days ago."

"I'm sorry, I had a meeting with the Mayor then Antonio and I had dinner with Mom and Toussaint. Notwithstanding, I should have called sooner. What's up?"

"Besides your salary?" Nicole laughed and ordered a platter for two while jess filled her in. "I can't face Tano right now and after what she said to me I feel even worse."

"You can't run a real man off Jess, even if you try to sabotage the relationship."

"I did not."

"Announcing who you've slept with and breaking it off is definitely sabotage. Do you know what you feel for him?"

"Of course I do."

"And you're giving Colin all the power again, punishing yourself in the process and making Tano miserable for what reason?"

"He's not perfect."

"No-one is. You have to decide if you can deal with his faults or whether you're better off alone."

"I am."

"The hell you are. Look at you. You obviously love the guy if you can be that honest. He's obviously worth loving if he didn't lose his mind after your announcement; in public, Jess? Really."

"Okay, so I could have been more discreet and I do miss him but they've really fucked with my head this time. Married? In a mansion?"

"Antonio got married in the Catedral Metropolitana, the biggest cathedral in Latin America."

"Okay, you win."

"What I'm saying is it could be worse."

"How? _You_ were invited and I wasn't. He doesn't even like you two. He said you thought he wasn't good enough for me."

"And you wonder why? Come on Jess; put your feet back on the ground. Tano is a keeper and Colin is not and never was for you."

"But…"

"It doesn't matter who she is or what she does or how great the sex is; she has his heart. And Colin's the type to only give it away only once, if at all."

"Well that makes me feel fantastic."

"I'm sorry but it's true."

"How'd you know that?"

"My dad was the same way and the only one he gave his heart to was me." She hid and licked her bottom lip.

"If that's not motivation to see Tano I don't know what is." They both smiled.

"And don't give it up too soon Jess." Nicole said equally in jest and truth.

"Months ago I had your support, carpe diem..." Jess exclaimed using the head voice girl talk incites.

"Back then you were finding _yourself_; you can't do that when you've found a _keeper_."

She conveniently left the fact they went to Third on her birthday and the recreational cocaine part out of their conversation.

Waldorf, Maryland

Nina pushed her hair back. Eric Benet's Poetry Girl was playing on repeat. "You don't miss a beat."

"Neither do you." He rubbed her makeshift ponytail in his hands. "I don't think I knew how much I missed you until just then."

"Whatever happens know that no man, no-one, has come close to you in my life. I'll never forget this, never, and if I ever tell you I love you or call you a bastard or make love to you for the last time; know that you're the greatest, the best and the only love of my life."

Woodbridge, Virginia

Tano spotted Jess' Audi on the curb as he drove in from his double shift. He invited her in.

"So…" he didn't know what to say and wanted her to fill in the gaps.

"I don't usually do this."

"At 4a.m. I have to believe you."

"I'll make it quick. I've been hurt and I've also been papering over cracks that I can't hide because I shouldn't. But you were so good to me that I thought if I could pretend everything was okay, it would just be that way. You got caught up in that and I'm sorry because…"

He silenced her with a finger on her lips. "What did you say?"

She was confused. "I'm sorry?"

"Say it again."

In his eyes lay her understanding. "I'm sorry."

"When things are complicated nothing matters more than those three words. How long did you wait for me?"

"Hours."

He took her hand. "You're welcome to stay but I still want to wait Jess."

"Okay. I'll be good, I promise."

"I still want _you_ too."


	20. No one hurts like Kin

**Okay folks, I just finished Chapter 22 so it's only right that you have this. I know Nina and Pollock-centric fics or storylines are few and far between so they dominate this chapter and I think rightly so. I'm glad to write an ensemble fic and all your reviews and passion fic are and have been amazing. This one and Chapters 21 and 22 will cater to everyone so all the storylines and characters will get some attention. So Imagination-On-The-Loose, dretti, EndlessDreamer1024, BlindLoveFreeSpirit, Alison, Story101 and every reader; this is for you.  
**

* * *

Chevy Chase, Maryland

"So kids, what should we do?" Pollock rubbed his hands together because he didn't have a clue on how to entertain them all at once especially for a whole weekend.

"Laser tag." Chloe suggested, knowing it was the only thing they could and would agree on.

"Great." They sensed he was trying too hard but they humoured him. Deep inside he wanted to win them over, even though he and Janice would share custody, he wanted to be their favourite. That's why his new house was only a couple of miles from them and their school and had an air hockey table and a pantry full of junk food. In his mind, he could fill them up with preference and establish himself as their first choice but never knew where their loyalties lay.

Annapolis, Maryland

"Are you okay?" Calvin asked as Janice sat on a stool with her head between her legs. "You said you loved sailing."

"I do; I've never been this seasick." She sat up. "I'll be fine."

"So much for a romantic date."

"It is romantic, I don't know about the 'date' part though. That's not to say I don't enjoy spending time with you, it's…"

"…complicated. I know." She went to the edge of the boat and leaned over slightly. He joined her. "The good thing is the world we start to see you as I always have."

"And how is that? As your client?"

"As Janice Richardson; a beautiful, talented, charismatic woman who can recite _Metamorphoses_ without thinking and Chaucer with an accent."

She laughed. "All that sweet talk will get you nowhere."

"It's the truth. You're very accomplished; I didn't take English Lit at Duke."

"It was my passion."

"And what's your passion now? Before you answer, it can't be anyone else. It has to be a thing that belongs to just you."

"Poetry."

"So do it, pursue it, follow it and make something of it."

"Easier said than done."

"Why? You don't back down from a challenge. You've sparred with me for a year now."

"I have a degree but no experience, John and I married after he left the military and a year later we had Michael."

"Well Janice Richardson's dreams don't have to take a back seat to anyone else's."

"Janice Richardson has to plan a birthday party for her eldest son, get said eldest son into a good university despite his indifference, keep her temper with her daughter and give her youngest the attention he needs. She also has to adjust to sharing her children and no longer being John Pollock's wife despite it being her identity for the past eighteen years."

"Where does poetry fit?"

"On the laundry list of other things to do."

"Is that enough for you?"

"I read the Feminine Mystique and I know what you're doing."

"I'm just asking."

"I chose this life and I'm not ashamed and yes I do want more but I also know what it means to be selfless; whereas you probably don't."

"You're right. I apologise. I shouldn't prod."

"There's so much on my mind and I never get the chance to say it; that's why I came to you and look at where it got us."

"In love?"

"Yes." She said guiltily. He pressed his lips against hers and the stiffness in her jaw softened. So sensitive was she to his touch that any physical contact made her feel like the thermostat had been turned up even if they were on a boat in a wide open space. He kissed her to the light waves of Chesapeake Bay and gently sucked her upper lip to the backdrop of the sun and sky. Knowing she couldn't have him unless at the expense of her principles so lost herself in his kiss. His hand stroked the back of her neck and she remembered John before he became Pollock. At that time she thought no-one else could make her feel that way, free but protected, willing but aware, in love and open; but that wasn't how she felt with Calvin. He was her new lease on life, her new perspective like shiny spectacles and her second chance at getting this love thing right. So she substituted the kiss; in her mind he undressed her where they were standing and counted down the remaining months with every touch.

Washington, D.C.

Nicole was working yet another Saturday when Nina unexpectedly stopped in. "So Toussaint left huh?"

"You say that like I never come here." Nicole waited. "Yeah, he left yesterday. That sweet-talking bastard." She said with a smile. "You'll never guess what he did,"

"If it involves skin I really don't wanna know."

"You're no fun."

"Ma, boundaries."

"Killjoy. You haven't bought my groceries in weeks, what's going on?"

"Nothing, I'm just doing my job. There are so many people to meet, plans to make, I don't know how he managed to keep all these balls up in the air."

"He didn't, hence the divorce." She replied tactlessly. "Speaking of which; make sure you don't forget _your_ husband."

"Thank you, Mama Joe. Ahmad, Teri and Bird will bring the cornbread on Sunday."

Nina rolled her eyes at her. "At least you got my sense of humour. You know I've been thinking; taking five meds a day is the least of my problems."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I could have had a rash or Herpes or something else that stopped me from looking this fabulous but I don't." Nicole laughed at her vanity and the charm of it. "Look at me; I'm Nina Chambers damnit and Nina Chambers doesn't lie down and die for anyone, let alone some test results."

"That's my mama."

"Nina Chambers also knows when she's got a good thing in her life and nothing's better than my big-shot, Assistant Director daughter." She slapped a box on the table. "Four inch, peep-toe Elvira stilettos."

"Get out! They're not even out yet."

"Only the best for the best."

Nicole could have hugged her or thanked her but the shoe-lover inside lifted one of the shoes like a crystal egg and smelt it. "I love you" she told the shoe and her mother by default.

"_And_" Nina said loudly enough to get her attention. "I tried to contact Will."

"How?"

"I called Clarice." That name was an instant suppressant to her buzz.

Her maternal grandmother could have blamed her prejudices on being from a different time, if she wasn't so cruel by nature. Clarice Mourreau, the lightest in complexion of her sisters, was sent from Brooksville, Alabama to Chicago in 1947 to support her family under the instruction that she stick to her own and keep her legs shut. Clarice chose her 'own' folk to be White as she passed as a barmaid. After falling in love and falling pregnant with Parker Jennings' child she inexplicably miscarried, after which he left her for a girl with a 'name'. Having survived for two years on her own, she bumped into Christopher Chambers on the street who handed back her handkerchief with a succinct statement, "I know what you are". She justified her interest in him with the fact that on a good day he passed the 'paper bag test' and the paranoia of his outing her. She broke the second rule for the second time, falling pregnant with Nina in late 1950 and accepted her fate, if not doom, to be Coloured less than a year later. Clarice never returned to Rockville and her own family was stunted in size and their affection for each other. She fell out of love and took her resentment and longing for Parker out on her daughter.

Naturally, when Carla developed a fondness for male attention Clarice did all she could to keep their complexion as 'high' as possible. Nicole's birth shattered her hopes completely and her rejection of the 'coffee boy' and the baby were in no way quiet, masked or discreet. The last conversation Nicole and Clarice shared contained a question, of why Clarice was not invited to the wedding, an answer, because it was a festive occasion, and enough expletives for a talk show.

"So what did the witch say?"

"_William_ came repenting in his last days and showed up at our 'family' church. But now he's dead from "the AIDS" and if I have them too I should let her put the phone down so she can clean it."

"Bitch."

"Nikki don't…bitch." Nicole nodded in approval. "I tried. Don't let her steal your smile; you deserve those shoes and all this too."

"Thanks Ma. I can call her back and curse her out if you want."

"Next time."

Chevy Chase, Maryland

Joshua fell asleep fifteen minutes into Home Alone 2 and Chloe went off to IM Dharma-Sky leaving Michael and Pollock almost alone together.

"What do you want for your birthday?"

"I'm surprised you're asking. I thought Juvie Hall took away those privileges." Pollock recognised that defence mechanism of wit, knowing Michael inherited it from him. "I could say a car but the speeding thing kind of blew that, right?"

"Right and your mother will kill me."

"It's a nice house Dad." He thought small talk was safe.

"I want to be around and be _there_ for all of you."

"I get that now."

"What about before?"

"Come on Dad, this is getting a bit too Cosby for me. We're not gonna hug are we?"

"I'm serious. I want to know."

"Know what?"

"What would make you turn against me like that? Why?"

"I didn't know it would get that far and become this big thing. But I wanted to see if you were capable of choosing us just once."

"I've chosen you your whole life. I've done a lot for this family."

"I know what you've done Dad and I know what you haven't. You put us in these boxes like hamsters with enough food and warmth and a wheel to entertain ourselves with but we're not hamsters. Mom got sad and fed-up and sad and fed-up again, Chloe lived in fairy land and I couldn't take it. I couldn't take being John Pollock's son without John Pollock. I though you'd find out much, much sooner than you did, explode then focus on us but you never did; until it became an issue of National Security."

"You never said anything."

"No-one did."

"Maybe we're all guilty of colluding in this lie and cowardice."

"Maybe."

"I want you to know, I need you to know, I don't want to divorce your mother. I want us to live as a family in _one_ house. I'm your father. But it's not all about what _I_ want and that's why I'm not fighting her on this; I've asked, I've pleaded, I've reasoned, I've prayed and I can't deny the way she feels. So I won't stand in her way but know this; I love all of you and I'm ready and willing to let go of what I want the most if it will bring us all closer." Michael nodded because there was no retort to hide behind. So he left Joshua where he was and shut himself away in his second room and without a soundtrack to mask the sound he cried for what was lost and found, what he knew and couldn't comprehend and how love and animosity swam together and caught him in their overpowering and overwhelming tide.

Pollock put Joshua in the second bed in Chloe's second room and startled her as she came out of the en-suite bathroom. "Dad." She used the signature teenage voice to stretch another syllable out of his name.

"Sorry. I'll knock next time."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Can I stay with you?"

"Every other week that's the plan."

"I mean all the time. Can I live here?"

"Chloe, that's not a good idea. First of all, you need to live with a woman for woman_ly_…things. Secondly I work and you need supervision and what about Joshua and Michael? They need you."

"Michael doesn't need me."

"He does, very much so."

"So that's a no?"

"For now, yes."

"But I want to be here with you. It's not fair."

He sat on the edge of her bed. "I know how hard it is for you, knowing what you've known and kept to yourself for a long time and feeling like this is your fault but it's not. We have to adjust to the way things are now."

"I don't want to. It sucks. I'd rather be here. Please."

Annapolis, Maryland

Janice unfolded her Pashmina and used it as a shawl. "It's getting late."

"I'll drive you but before I do I have to say you are so beautiful and I want you. I want to be with you tonight."

"If we start we won't stop because we can't control ourselves and I can't take that chance. My 13-year-old daughter was the first to find out about us and I can't tell you what that's done to her. She hasn't looked at me the same since and I have to earn her trust and respect back. That's what mothers do; we set examples for our daughters."

"Do you want to be with me tonight?"

"Have you heard a word I said?"

"Every. Do you?"

"Would I be standing in the cold in a day dress and a Pashmina if I didn't? I _can't_. What I want doesn't matter."

"When will it?"

"The day the divorce is finalised and not a day sooner." He opened the car door for her and checked her out one last time as she got in the passenger's seat.


	21. After we were You and I

**Okay folks, I finished writing Chapter 23 so here is Chap21. If you like to delve into characters' pasts you'll love this one. Love will keep us together like the song says, or so we thought. Keeping it layered and not forgetting anyone, I hope you enjoy. As I said Chapters 21 and 22 will cater to everyone so all the storylines and characters will get some attention. I just wanted to say it's so amazing not just to write Nina but to give her character this storyline and to have you all feel it and root for her and yet still see her as she is. Thank you for your openmindedness and ability to follow my mind to it's unbridled places and still get it. Thank you. BTW anyone who's ever considered writing in this fandom has my total support, keep it real, have fun and I hope to see more stuff soon xxx  
**

* * *

"You have to go. I can't take it much longer." Janice pleaded, knowing that she never should have let Calvin come inside for coffee.

"I'm not forcing anything."

"Being here is enough. They'll be back in the morning."

"Am I the only who feels like this?"

"No but every minute you spend here decreases my ability to say no and I _have_ to say no."

"It's hard to be patient but I know where you're coming from and I wouldn't care about you if I didn't respect that."

"Thank you."

_Three weeks later_

"You're ridiculous, you know that?" Janice's yelling couldn't be heard as Notorious B.I.G.'s Hypnotidze was playing so loudly at the raucous birthday party, that it could conceal a bomb explosion.

Pollock loved seeing her get angry as now there was nothing to lose between them and it gratified him to see her overreact. "Hold your horses, the blue Range Rover is not Michael's gift. I got him a Moped instead."

"What?"

"We can't trust him with a car so it made sense to me."

"Until he cracks his skull on a pavement; you're just posing for the kids, trying to make them think you're cool. It's unnecessary."

"I bought that car because I wanted to and the Moped was a birthday gift for our first-born."

"It's a mid-life crisis car."

"It's a my-wife-filed-for-a-divorce-so-this-is-how-I get-my-kicks car. Drop it."

"Fine, play Daddy Warbucks if it suits you."

"Stop projecting your guilt onto me. I know he's been here." She looked down. "I didn't think you'd deny it but I hoped you would."

"We didn't sleep together if that's where you're headed. I wouldn't do that to you John, you should know me better than that."

"You're counting down the days, aren't you?"

"We're both ready to move on."

"And _you're_ ready to move on to someone else. I don't want him here."

"That's not your decision, well it won't be."

"Who our children are exposed to is as much your decision as it is mine and I vote no."

"Why? Because he makes me happy?"

"Because it's enough that Chloe was the first to know. She's still a child and I bet you haven't told her what you did was wrong. I've been nice Janice. I've been reasonable and it's taken everything in me not to stomp his head in with my steel-capped boots."

"You don't own any."

"Yet."

"Don't you dare threaten me."

"Don't you dare mistake my rationality for weakness."

"So will you do; take this to court? We agreed to do this amicably."

"And amicable it will stay as long as he stays out of my house."

"Our house."

"My name is on the lease, I paid it off and I'm sure the courts would see how generous and forgiving I've been to let you stay and not take my feelings for you out on the children."

"Would it please the courts to know you put your hands on your son? You slammed Michael against the wall and don't think for a _second_ I've forgotten that."

Chloe stopped eavesdropping and went into the pantry with the cake. "Did you find the candles?"

Woodbridge, Virginia

"That was a depressing ending." Tano took The Heiress out of the DVD player.

"It's sad but true. Anyway, in the book she does get married after her father dies but she never falls in love again."

"Next time, I pick the movie."

"How long are we going to wait?" She asked impatiently.

"How did we get from movie rentals to sex in one fell swoop?"

"I'm restless. We've known each other for months and after my birthday, there isn't that much we haven't already done so what's the problem?"

"There isn't one. There's not reason to rush either."

"Is this because of what I said at the restaurant?"

"No."

"Because if it is, I always use protection."

"Thanks for that. It's not."

"Are you all-the-way celibate or something?"

"No but what if I was?"

"Then I think it's unfair for you to make me think I might get something you're not going to give."

"I'm not here just to have sex with you. You're not here just because I want to have sex with you. I want to get to know you better."

"When I was six I had a white pet rabbit called Snowie, the night before I testify I always have the 'naked in a classroom' dream and it's taking a lot for me to hold out when I want you much."

"That's not what I meant." She sighed. "Don't get mad. It's nothing to do with you, in fact I think you're wonderful and honest and very attractive."

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"Are we official?"

"What does one have to do with the other?"

"In order for me to break up with you we'd have to be together first so, Miss Mastriani, are we a couple?"

"Do I have to say it?"

"Hearing is believing."

She rolled her eyes. "Yes."

"Great. So bear with me."

_A month later_

Washington D.C.

Pollock slapped a newspaper on Nicole's desk. The smell of fresh ink made her eyes water. "The Mark 9 members and associates we apprehended were convicted of acts and conspiracy to commit acts of terrorism. Guess what the paper says."

"Due to the great work of the FBI?"

"Warm."

"Led by John Pollock?"

"Hot."

"It doesn't say my name does it?"

"You didn't make the front page. They profiled you instead."

"Get out!" She said excitedly. "There's something to put in the scrapbook."

"Yours?"

"My mother's."

"That sounds nice."

"Take a load off Sir, you know you came here to vent." He sat in the opposite chair and revealed to her what he never said out loud. "You hit Michael?"

"I didn't hit him; I shoved him. I was furious. Call it temporary insanity."

"I will if the Courts will. You don't want this divorce to become a fight because that act of "temporary insanity" will play in her favour and she has every right to use it."

"Thanks for your confidence."

"You're the grown man; you can't do things like that and expect to get away with it. They won't care whether your name's John Pollock or John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt."

"I know that. I know I was wrong. Chloe asked to move in a few weeks ago."

"Teenage girls are fickle."

"She's not happy there and if this Calvin character is around I don't know how she'll take that."

"Just like you will; poorly. Here's a tip; keep her talking. The moment a teenage girl shuts up; there's something gravely wrong."

"Why is it so easy for me to talk to you when it was so hard to get you to listen?"

"Because in another life we were married." She replied mordantly. "The Attorney General asked me to pass on the invitation; she's having a soirée tonight."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Beats a TV dinner for one, tell Renée I'm coming."

"Your assistant is upstairs; they don't pay me for that."

"Don't change." He walked out with his hands in his pockets.

Waldorf, Maryland

Nina fell onto her bed after leaving work early. The techno beat of her headache and the contradictory feelings of her fever prevented her from working and the scratches on her bumper proved she wasn't her usual self. She woke up to the bumpy ride to the hospital. Antonio was speeding. "Go back to sleep." Nicole said soothingly, stroke her head as it lay in her lap.

"She's anaemic. That explains the depletion in energy." Dr. Riabovil told Nicole and Antonio as Nina rested. "Unfortunately she's showing more symptoms of Stage 3 HIV." Nicole let her talk; there was something about the facts that were comforting because she didn't require emotion, just brainpower, to understand them. "The blood tests will confirm this but I think your mother is becoming resistant to the ARV combination I originally prescribed. Along with the folate inhibitors I gave her for toxoplasmosis, they're not doing what they should anymore."

"So you're going to make a new combination right?" Nicole half-asked, half-pleaded.

"Yes. I think what's best is for Nina to stay at home until we get these results back. And if you could keep a symptoms diary until the tests come back, that would be great."

"I'll check in on her." Antonio said before Nicole could volunteer. He silenced her by sliding his fingers between hers but Nicole was transfixed with a look in the doctor's eyes she had never seen before; it was inevitability.

Glen Echo, Maryland

Pollock was surprised to find he was the only guest at Renée Cottle's soirée. Having dumped her in his junior year at Duke for a Joni Mitchell fan with long-flowing blonde hair, there was always some tension when they met. She ascended faster than he did and as Attorney General had much more power and influence than he'd ever wielded. "Am I right to feel set up?"

"Senator Barhydt is helping his wife with her physiotherapy, A.D. Scott had a family crisis and Supreme Court Justice Melchor had a press conference. This wasn't a subterfuge John."

"Fine. Let's call it a reunion."

"That's fair; I haven't seen you in a long time."

"Forgot what I looked like?"

"You don't look the same, that's for sure. Relax, I didn't ask you here to pull rank on you."

"Lucky me."

"I heard about your divorce. I'm sorry."

"Well…what do you want from me Renée? You never call without a reason."

Bethesda, Maryland

That morning two dozen yellow roses were delivered to Janice and they sat and shone in the vase closest to the door all day, until Chloe returned from her fortnightly Mandarin class. She cried upon one glance of Calvin's token of affection and had locked herself in her room since. Janice tried to make Michael do her bidding but he was editing footage from his party with Adelpha and Jaleel and didn't want to be the go-between. Somewhere inside, she was afraid of her daughter because her truth spoke back and broke down the lies she told herself to keep herself sane. She pushed open the door and found Chloe lying on her stomach with headphones in her ears, reading An Inspector Calls. "Want some ice cream? You didn't eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"I want to talk to you."

"At me."

"No. _With_ you. I haven't made it that easy but I want you to talk to me and tell me what's going on."

"Why did you keep doing it? Why couldn't you stop?"

"What happened with Calvin was the last thing I ever expected to happen but it did and I can't control that. Whether he came into my life or not; that doesn't change how unhappy we were."

"What about now? We're not better off since Dad had to leave. I want to live with him."

"That's not going to happen."

"Why not?"

"Because I've never given up on this family and I refuse to let you go."

"You filed for divorce Mom; you gave up a long time ago." Chloe curled into a ball as a protective measure.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry I haven't been considerate of your feelings and that's why divorce sucks; because kids take a back seat to their parents' feelings. But in all of this; I hope being a happier woman makes me a better mother and that's what I'm working on but you have to help me."

"I'm never gonna say it's alright, I'll never be happy that you love him and love him more than you love Dad because _I_ love Dad. I've never embarrassed him like you and Michael have but I'm the one who gets punished."

"That's not true Chloe. No-one's taking this divorce out on you."

"I'm the one who has to wait to see my dad when you say so, I'm the one Grandma presses for answers and I'm the one who got slapped for telling the truth because that's so wrong in this family. You want me to be little Chloe who believes whatever you say even when it's a lie. Well I can't be that."

"No you can't. You're too smart for that and I'm sorry for ever bringing you into this but we're here now. The divorce will be finalised in less than two months and I do intend to see Calvin when it's all over."

Chloe shrugged her shoulders. "I'm tired and I have a quiz tomorrow."

Michael came through the half-open door. "Can I borrow your car? Adelpha and J need a ride."

"You can _use_ my car to drive them both home and drive straight back but borrowing is out of the question."

"Semantics. What's her problem?" He asked about Chloe's agitated facial expression. "Chloe?"

"Nothing."

"Are you sure it's not Mom's boyfriend waiting outside in a Hatchback that's five years old?" Chloe leapt to the window. "Just kidding."

Janice held her back. "That's enough. For the record Calvin is not my boyfriend." Chloe shook herself out of her grip. "And you shouldn't always go for the jugular at your sister's expense."

"She knows I was just kidding."

"Take the keys and go."

"Anyone want some doughnuts on the way back?"

"You should take this show on the road."

"You coming?" He asked Chloe who put on some Converses by the bed.

"It's late Michael," but as usual he got his own way and took his sister and friends with him.

Alexandria, Virginia

Nicole got in fifteen minutes after Antonio returned from Nina's apartment. He was reheating leftovers from the refrigerator when she sat on the counter and dumped her bag on the kitchen floor. "How's she doing?"

"I left her asleep under the fan, with the blanket." He added before asking, "Jollof rice?"

"Not tonight. How are you?"

"I'm fine. My first deadline is in three weeks and I'm doing research with Winton Briscoe."

"Oh," she said pretending to know who he was, "sounds great." She sniffed the lunchbox in his hand. "Throw that out."

"Wings?"

"Sounds good to me."

"Stop worrying Nic," he said casually as the BBQ wings circled the microwave. "We can't control it at this point."

"But we can help right? Humour me."

"Yes we can help but we can't control it. I don't think she's going back to work."

"Ever?"

"The weaker her immune system the more illnesses she's vulnerable to…"

"Like? She demanded the answer.

"Statistically; TB. That's the number one AIDS-related illness patients die from."

"One; my Mom does not have AIDS. Two; TB is an illness all on its own and Three…"

"…is followed by 4 as in Stage 4 and in…"

"Don't you wish AIDS on my mother!"

"I'm letting you know Nic. She's my mother too."

She swallowed. "I'm sorry. She is." The microwave beeped. "I'll get that."

"Don't. I've seen this happen before; my brother died in my arms and I couldn't save him."

"I'm scared. I've never been so scared in my life." Antonio pulled her closer and squeezed his eyes shut and wiped the oncoming tears away. "I've never fought so hard to make it right."

He rubbed her back. She clung to him so tight her could feel the cross around her neck and the tips on the fingernails. Neither knew how to let go. "Don't leave me." Nicole cried. "Don't leave me" became her chant to both Antonio and her mother. Her bottom lip was quivering. "Don't leave me" and his eyes stung and turned red. "Don't leave me" her whispered voice crumbled on the last word. "Don't leave me" and another tear undid her makeup. "Please don't leave me" became a prayer to a maternal deity that resided in a weakening body.

_"Don't leave me."_

_Javier's suffering made him forget Spanish. He lacked even the energy to reproduce what he remembered. The lesions, the swelling and the pain in his chest every time he tried to breathe denied him the power to cry out in his own language. Kaposi's Sarcoma cause whatever sympathetic family he had left to turn away like he was a leper. Antonio was only twenty-five, barely out of college with the depressing student loans he amassed from his three postgraduate degrees, but was his younger brother's sole benefactor. When the prodigal son came back from a year overseas with a disease everyone had been educated about by fear, the outstretched hands always seem to be covered in gloves. So he reached into his pocket and his overdraft to get him all the care he needed until there was nothing more he could so. The presence of what they called Human Herpes Virus 8 in his lungs proved fatal. So Javier cried out in pain, in a language that was not his own, with words of desperation and a fear of dying, to his big brother, protector and personal god._

"I won't leave you." Antonio repeated back to Nicole.


	22. Promises Made and Ties Broken

**They say our pasts don't dictate who we are, that sometimes we have to "rise above our raising" but sometimes it's in our adult years that we realise we have more growing up to do. Trivia: The adlibs in the last minute or two of Mary J Blige's "Beautiful Ones" inspired the ending of my last chapter. In writing her I tend to think of signs that trigger memories or thoughts in her life, past and present, like the look in someone's eyes or the way she reads Jess. Some wrote in a review that we didn't know much about her mother but I have to disagree because there's so much that lies in the Nicole character that you can draw out elements of who and where she comes from. Just a thought.**

**Will Antonio and Pollock find closure? What about Colin, Desirée and Jess? Read on folks xxx  
**

* * *

_Two months later_

Frederick, Maryland

Nicole did not attend because she wanted to see Colin and Desirée's nuptials, the dress or the ice sculpture that greeted the guests on their way inside the mansion. She did not care about the view, the well-kept garden that appeared to spout flowers by the minute or Colin's mother's jittery behaviour from her alcohol withdrawals. And although it was a beautiful sight and she knew some of the guests from work and other cities, she was only there to distract herself form her mother's illness and Antonio's absence. She denied his offers to stay another day or two and put off visiting Javier's grave but she wouldn't and couldn't let him, just as he wouldn't and couldn't let her come with him. The melancholic anniversary was something she deferred to and he marked fifteen years since his teenage brother died in his arms alone. The priest Desirée and her family affectionately called 'Pa John' had flown out from Louisiana to administer the ceremony and as he pronounced them husband and wife Nicole was tapped on the shoulder by a latecomer. He went unnoticed as doves were released in time with their kiss. The family and friends cheered and Nicole greeted her old friend by asking him to take her to the bar.

Woodbridge, Virginia

Jess came down the glass stairs with his long white bathroom robe dragging behind her and her hair still dripping wet. He was making filled ravioli with the pasta machine.

"Pumpkin?" She asked.

"Don't knock it 'til you've tried it."

"I could say the same about you."

He rolled his eyes. "I see you washed the green out; I told you paintballing is fun."

"You say that because you're good at it. It was nothing like Ten Things I Hate about You."

"I don't get how an FBI Agent missed so many targets."

"I was distracted."

"This isn't going to be one of the conversations that ends in your having to go home to take the edge off, is it?"

"I don't get what the big deal is. You're not religious, we've been seeing each other for months, I had a physical two weeks ago, I'm attracted to you, you're attracted to me…"

"Yes I am. I was also honest with you when I said I want to wait and I'm tired of having this conversation with you."

"Fine then. Why do you snort coke?"

"Don't ask to be spiteful."

"Don't dodge the question."

"It's a doctor thing."

"It's a contradiction."

"Like a dentist who eats sweets, a bald barber or a vegetarian butcher?"

"It's not funny."

"It's something we do to fit in and it keeps my energy up."

"You perform surgery while you're…"

"No."

"How do you know? You have it down to a science, right; just enough to do the trick but not enough to lose your career? What if something goes wrong?"

"It won't."

"Is that why we haven't slept together, because you can't…?"

"Jess, you're way off the mark."

"So what is it?"

"You. Tell me the reason you're picking fights with me, tell me it's not your ex-boyfriend." She folded her arms. "I know he's getting married today and I know it's hard on you but I'm not gonna be your kneejerk reaction. I'm not gonna be the guy at the restaurant ever again." She dropped her defences. "So when you're ready to leave him in the past and stop trying to get back at him, then we can become intimate."

"Why do you care?" She asked softly, suddenly feeling fragile.

"Because I want to have all of you."

"I'll get dressed and get out of here."

"Is that what you want? It's not I what I want."

Frederick, Maryland

He brought two glasses of white wine to the table during the reception. "Did you lose my number?"

"No."

"Email?"

"No Moses."

"So why didn't you tell me you're in charge?"

"I wouldn't go that far."

"Come on Nicole, you should have called. I would have toasted you." She smiled at his innuendo. "Now are you gonna tell me why you're wearing that face or do I have to ask? And before you say a word, don't tell me you're fine because I won't believe you."

"I didn't get all dressed up to lay my burdens on you."

"That doesn't stop you from wearing them like a neon cycling jacket."

"Is it that obvious?"

"Only because I know you. I also know you won't say a word unless you really want to so let's dance 'til you forget your name."

Rockville, Maryland

Pollock and Janice sat across from each other, signing documents and finalising the divorce. Their attorneys made the occasional whisper in their ears but other than that, the agreement was clear. Janice became Janice Richardson again and Pollock signed over a hefty proportion of his monthly pay as alimony.

"So this is it?" He asked her directly.

"This is it." Janice replied.

"Ms. Richardson did not file for a child support order as she is confident in your ability and willingness to provide for the children." Janice's attorney said on her behalf.

"And Mr. Pollock will pay alimony at $5000 per month for the next five years or until Ms. Richardson remarries or her financial circumstances change." Pollock's attorney turned a few pages.

"The monetary award stands at $1,235,000 taking into account mutual bonds and savings, the duration of the marriage, the value of the house and other factors stated on page 14."

Pollock frowned and whispered in his attorney's ear. "Mr. Pollock claims that due to a prior agreement with Ms. Richardson the monetary award should stand at $850,000 considering she is occupying the house and it is his name alone that is on the lease."

"Ms. Richardson is willing to accept a lower amount of $980,000 if Mr. Pollock agrees to sign over the house. The unlikelihood of this happening justifies the figure."

Pollock whispered again. "Mr. Pollock agrees to sign over the house to Ms. Richardson on the following conditions; that she does not sell the house and leaves it to the children in her will, that she does not allow a Mr. Calvin Prem Jao to live on the premises and that she accepts a monetary award of $850,000."

Janice looked to her attorney and nodded. "Ms. Richardson will leave ownership of the family home in Mr. Pollock's possession."

Woodbridge, Virginia

Jess called Nicole for the fifth time and got her voicemail. She folded her clothes into the weekend bag and dithered when trying to leave. She could smell the pumpkin ravioli from downstairs and followed it.

"I bet you never had this at your parents' restaurant."

She dipped her finger in the pot and tasted. "Mascarpone sauce. We used to serve it on chicken."

"Does that mean you'll stay?"

"It means I'll try to stop being an ass and making you a whipping boy. I really am sorry about the restaurant but I was scared to let you get that close to me and feel things I can't control. And I know it's against the rules for me to say it first but I love you."

St. Teresa's Church, Lower East Side, Manhattan

En memoria de

Javier Paulo Rodrigo Cortez

Nuestro querido hijo y hermano

Es con Dios ahora y siempre

1978-1995

Descanse en paz

Antonio read his gravestone for what felt like the thousandth time as he unbuttoned his blazer, got on his knees and wiped away the moss with a cloth. He couldn't believe his little brother would have been in his thirties. He pictured him with a beard, a suit and responsibility and laughed. Cristina playfully punched him in the shoulder. "So you found your way down the yellow brick road all the way home, huh?" He got up and hugged her.

"You know I had to come."

"Jabo is the baby; necesita estar El Centro de atención." She impersonated their mother as she laid flowers down.

"Somehow I don't think this is what she meant. I can't remember how many times I took the wrap for him."

"More like the strap."

"It wasn't all bad."

"Try being the only girl. You hear that?"

"What?"

"The wind. We're ignoring him." He smiled. "Now you're here _you_ can put up with Mom and Dad, we're all having dinner at mine."

"I'd like that."

"They never should've let him travel; a sixteen-year-old with all that freedom is never a good thing. Look what happened."

"They thought going to France would enlighten him, let him see the world and give him some focus. You know how distracted he was."

"Your son's a scatterbrain who doesn't commit at school and you send him on a European vacation? Where's the sense in that?"

"They thought he would become more appreciative, teaching English in _les HLM_ to disadvantaged people and immigrants like us. They thought the church would supervise him but Javier was who he was and made some bad choices out there. Maybe if we didn't judge him he would have been more honest with us."

"Honest about what? Jabo fue un maricón. Los padres católicos no aceptan eso. Nuestros padres son incluidos."

"Fue nuestro hermano menor y no podían aceptarle."

"No tuvimos la oportunidad para hacerlo porque no nos dijo y arrepentí mucho."

"Yo también. If we knew Javier was gay I could've advised him."

"About what?"

"About how to protect himself but instead it was one big mystery, a game of how well he could hide what he was doing from us and all that hiding killed him. He had no-one to turn to when he couldn't understand what was happening to him."

She squeezed his arm. "Did he _go_ quickly; not too much pain?"

He pandered to the desperation in her eyes by lying through his teeth. "Yeah one minute he was talking and the next he was gone; like he fell asleep."

"Gracias a Dios. Me preguntó por mucho tiempo pero yo sé ahora. Lo extraño cada día." She spoke to his gravestone. "Yo rezo que Dios te cuida." She exhaled. "That wasn't that hard, was it?"

"You're a pro." He put his arm around her and let her believe that lie because he loved her.

Waldorf, Maryland

Nina was sitting on the sofa under a blanket, eating popcorn and chocolate to a Living Single marathon. Nicole put the jute bags on the counter and startled her. "I thought fatty foods make the side effects worse." Nina held up one hand and counted down each finger like she was Janet Jackson. "Okay, you don't need to get to one. I'll make dinner."

"No you won't; you'll sit down and get fat." She tapped the leather spot next to her and Nicole surrendered.

"I love Max."

"Of course you do; you're a dragon…fiery and tenacious."

"That's not such a bad thing."

"Not now. You know my viral load's been up for a while."

"Yeah but the new drugs are working better right?"

"I think so."

"Look Ma, as long as you're still breathing, cursing and sassing us everything's okay. I know it might sound delusional but…"

"A little suspension of disbelief can't hurt. And if we never have Chilli Cheese dogs in Grant Park again and I never go back to work, knowing you is the most incredible thing that's ever happened to me and I'm cool with it."

"Cool."

"Simpatico."

"Copastetic."

"Dynamite."

Bethesda, Maryland

"Michael!" She gasped, thinking she was home alone. "I didn't expect you."

"Chloe went to the hippie girl's house and Grandpa took Joshua to the zoo. You wrote it on the calendar."

"Of course I did. Had a little memory lapse there."

"So it's done now?"

"Yeah, the ink is dry and we're officially divorced."

"No party hats?"

"It's not a festive occasion if that's what you mean."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Okay,"

"No, not okay. If making biting comments and being cynical is your way of dealing with it then there's something wrong and you need to talk to someone but I won't have you saying whatever you want because you think it's your birth right to be inconsiderate. This was a hard and painful day for all of us so show some respect or at least some honesty. You're not the only one who's hurting."

She stared him down and reduced him to a small child. "Sorry."

"_That's_ okay. Are you hungry? I'll make whatever you want."

"I'll eat whatever you make." Janice's cell phone rang; it was Calvin. She turned it off and went through the fridge.

Corcovado, Costa Rica

_Three days later_

Desirée drew the white linen curtains. He wheeled in the champagne breakfast, shirtless. "Hungry?"

"From what I remember we worked up quite an appetite."

He poured two glasses. "Only the best for the best."

"Put down the glasses babe."

"Why?"

"Because I'm pregnant." The crash and scattering of glass shards was what she didn't want to happen. "I'll call room service."

"Wait." He sat on the edge of the bed, avoiding stepping in the glass. "You know I want more kids but I didn't expect it to happen so…"

"Soon. I know it's not the best timing."

"No, it's fine really. So what if we need more room? We'll be together."

"Maybe I did a better job at hiding how hard it was but I blew all my savings to take care of Ryan and my dad which means I'll have to get back to work much sooner after the baby is born. Everything I set up for him is gone; his college fund, my share in my parents' house, even the savings bond my sister bought him when he was born."

"I knew you sacrificed a lot for him but I'm here now. I promised to be everything you need and this time I can prove it so you don't have to worry about money or work or TB. Just be happy we're having this baby."

"As long as you don't go getting yourself shot; we need you."

"I'll be around for a long time. I'll make sure of that."

"You forget that I know you and how hard it is for you to stay in one spot."

"Not anymore, I'm more rooted than ever because I love you."

Queens, New York

"I wish you'd stayed longer. The kids and I will miss you." Cristina said as she drove him to the airport.

"I'll miss you too but I have to go back sometime. Back to the grind and back to Nicole."

"I won't pretend she shouldn't have come with you, Mom was right about that."

"I don't talk about your husband." He became irritated at the re-emergence of their sibling rivalry. "Nicole asked me a dozen times and _I_ told her to stay. Was Mom right when she said Gabino spent too long in bed and needed to man up?"

"That was unnecessary. He needs love. Not that you or Mom would understand what it's like for a man to lose his sense of purpose; he didn't have a cushy job and a handful of degrees to crash land on when the economy went under."

"He went under with it."

"He had a nervous breakdown and he's getting better."

"Leaving you to provide for three kids on your own."

"What do you know about taking care of others? When Javier died you ran off to your comfortable life and left your family behind. I consoled Mom and Dad, I kept his gravestone clean and I kept everyone from going under. Gabino is a good man; everything was taken from him when they laid him off. No te atrevas hablar sobre mi marido como eso. ¡Egoísta cabrón!"

He exhaled heavily wanting so much to fire back at her but she was right. "Lo siento." She rolled her eyes. "Really. I don't like to see you suffer."

"I'm okay Toño. I'm used to taking on a lot but I'm not used to being criticised for it. But you didn't come here to fight and we shouldn't."

"I came for you so you would know I can do more than throw money at a situation and I can stand by you and appreciate all you've done. I hope Gabino picks up the pieces." She smiled and didn't say anything back and he succeeded at shutting her up for once.


	23. Sweeping out the Past

**Life is never what we expect it to be, yet another curveball courtesy of moi. These chapters, 23 and 24, have taken so much to write so I urge you, don't read them if you haven't read the entire story. xxx  
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_Two months later_

Pollock came by on a Friday evening to pick up the kids and Janice let him in. Taking in the view as he followed her, she was wearing light blue denim jeans and a V-neck white top and diamond studs he couldn't remember giving her years ago shone in her ears. There were papers and books on the kitchen table. "You…you look nice."

"Thanks. I'll clear this so you can sit down."

"Don't." He leaned against the chair.

"I told the kids you would be here soon, I should call them again."

"They'll come." He was relaxed and she was perturbed.

"I, um, am doing a Masters…in Education; literacy, speech, and English mainly."

"Sounds good, sounds very you."

"Yeah," She laughed nervously. "It's amazing how two people who shared a home for eighteen years can be so wooden around each other."

"It's something. So how long is your course?"

"A year, distance learning, you know, for the kids."

"It sounds like you've thought about it a lot."

"I have."

The nervous energy silently bounced off the walls until Michael, Chloe and Joshua came downstairs and when they all left, Janice understood how it felt to be newly-divorced mother. The empty house and the quiet was enough to drive her insane so she returned the call she had been avoiding and rejecting for a while.

"I thought you needed some space." Calvin said as he sat down.

"I did, to sort things out, to study, to readjust... and to think about you."

"I've been thinking of you too."

"Everything's changing; Chloe's fourteen, the Women of D.C. asked me to leave and the bubble I lived in has burst. I have to admit John's career was such an integral part of my life and my identity and that's hard. But I'm ready to start over."

"I can do that."

"I'd like to date, to see what's out there and to take it slow."

"I can take it slow." He kissed her.

"That's not what I meant. I think the real reason I never slept with you is because my feelings are all I'm sure of. Knowing you let me see things I never wanted to see were missing inside but I don't know if you're here because you love me or because you've been so invested in me as a psychologist you have to see it through."

"Where's this coming from?"

"My heart. I slept with you back then, would you still be here?"

"Yes."

"You answered too quickly."

"I don't understand, if I took too long you'd say I was lying. I would still be here."

"How do you know?"

"I just do."

"I want you to know I didn't divorce John to get with you. I did it to make us all happier."

"I know. What do you need from me?"

"I need to know how you feel about me."

"I care about you and I want you to be happy."

"How do you feel about my life, my children, my ex-husband? See, it requires thought. And it may not be fun but in my life that matters; thinking of others."

"I fell in love with you, I've always been attracted to you and I want to make love to you. But right now, I don't know which one I feel strongest."

"I think last, latter, former."

"How do you feel about me?"

"You were always there for me and I'm grateful but I'd still like to think you were being selfless."

"So this is it?"

"If I'm right."

"That's a lot to think about."

"Welcome to my world."

Washington, D.C.

Jess returned the missing child on the news to their parents and ended her day with their tears of thanks on her shirt. Halfway through filing the team's reports, Nicole paged her.

"I've never been to the eighth floor; the lift doesn't come up here."

"We have our own lift Jess. Pollock thought it was a good idea to bring me up here so I don't go vigilante on the cases. How've you been?"

"Better. Tano took me to the Jackie Robinson sports bar in Georgetown with his friends."

"Is that the one with the recliners and the plasma screens on the ceiling?"

"That's the one."

"So who is he to you Jess?"

"Someone special. I heard from Mom and Doug; they're in Algeria and they don't know when they're coming back."

"Join them."

"I will at some point but I'm just getting into my groove here."

"So says the solve rate."

"He wants me to meet his parents."

"That's a good sign, right?"

"Right."

"Then what's the matter? Is he still holding out? I swear that should be a crime."

"He's got his reasons and this week he's right. We took his niece to the funfair in Grant Park and I went to get her one of those foot-shaped lollies and then I saw them. Colin, Desirée, Ryan and some other woman she was talking to; they're a family. You should've seen the way he held him; it was almost scary how much I didn't know him. In that moment I realised that never would've been us, I never knew he had that side and he never showed it to me. She has all of him and I can't touch that."

"Why did you go to his apartment that night?"

"What night?"

"The night you showed your ass."

"To see if I could stir up old feelings in him, if I could use him like he used me, even if she wasn't there I couldn't have. I thought it was about me and I was paranoid but it wasn't. It was Colin growing up and being who he's meant to be; not with me."

Nicole signed a few expense reports. "Antonio's making a pre-birthday dinner for my mom, Toussaint's bringing his grandson Loukoum and Telespaña has a marathon of the Top-10 episodes of _Amor jamás envejece_ as voted for by the viewers, so you are joining us. No excuses."

"It's a family thing," Jess thought of the first logical excuse to cover up her awkwardness at seeing Nina or anyone for that matter who was HIV positive. She couldn't explain her apprehension but growing up in a time where AIDS was said to be a death sentence with no hope in sight and only having met inmates or missing homeless people and drug addicts with the virus had conditioned her to keep her distance.

Nicole noticed her avoidance. "My mom hasn't grown horns, her skin isn't peeling and she still has that sailor's mouth. And for the record; your mad-about-the-boy, found-the-right-guy, cellmate ass is family. So let's go."

Bethesda, Maryland

Michael and Chloe took turns playing Connect 4 with Joshua because Janice forced them to under the pretext that he needed their attention and she couldn't study if he wasn't occupied. Chloe found her at the desk in what used to be Pollock's at-home office cum library. With all his furniture gone she installed French windows and hadn't decided what it would be. "Are you going out tonight?"

"No, if I was I would tell you in advance. Have you done your homework?"

"Yeah."

"Are you okay?"

"Kind of."

"What would kind of make you okay?"

"I don't know."

"Dharma-Sky is welcome to come over any time if it's alright with August."

"I know. I don't want it to feel so weird when Dad comes here. He acts strange when we talk about you, kind of lost."

"Your father's dealing with things in his own way and we have to respect that."

"Do you still love him?"

"He's the father of those most precious to me; I have to. He was my husband for many years and I loved him long before that. All change isn't bad; sometimes it leaves room for things to come. But I still love you the same if not more and I know just how honest you are."

"I love you too but I want to live with Dad. Can I?"

"I thought we resolved this months ago."

"I want to be there with him so can I?"

"No. There's only one way to deal with how you feel, to face it. I can't and won't let you go. Not when I love you so much."

"What about Calvin?"

"Calvin and I have some things to consider. Is that why you want to move out?"

"It doesn't feel the same anymore."

"It's change but when we get past this; it'll be brighter on the other side."

Alexandria, Virginia

"What'd I miss?" Jess shuffled past Nina, Toussaint and Giselle from the travel company with a fresh bowl of popcorn.

"This is the one where Conchita's evil stepsister Mariluz makes a move on Rio by locking them in the basement. He just broke the window with his head and is trying to climb out into the garden so he can profess his undying love at her birthday party." Giselle shoved a fistful of popcorn in her motor mouth.

Antonio took another tray out the oven. "What did the doctor say when she went?"

"The CAT and MRI scans didn't show any evidence of the infection she's still anaemic."

"Most HIV suff…patients are. Maybe they got it right this time; maybe this combination is the right one for her."

"That's not what I'm worried about. Have you seen the pictures, the cataracts, the eye shrinking, the…?"

"No I haven't and I won't if this is what it does to you. Making yourself sick with fear is unhealthy and maybe you should see a doctor."

"Is that what you really think?"

"All I'm saying is you're not as good as pretending you can deal with it as you were before and there's a reason for that. Everyone has their limits."

She turned away. "I haven't reached mine."

He pulled her back. "Is there something you're not telling me? Come on Nic."

"No."

"You're bluffing. What did she say?"

"She said she's so happy she's ready to die."

"When?"

"After Colin's wedding?"

"That long ago?"

"You were in Queens when she said it."

"That's no excuse, you had months to tell me, in fact you should've told me that night."

"What was I supposed to do? Welcome you home and say I'm sorry about your brother but while you were gone, Mom decided she doesn't mind dying?"

Bethesda, Maryland

Michael opened the door to someone he had never seen but had many feelings about; surprisingly he didn't look like a gargoyle. "Hi…Michael?"

Michael ignored the outstretched hand and looked him up and down. He guessed Calvin was probably a few years younger than his father as he was a sharper dresser and had a broader chest. "No flowers?"

"You must be Michael, the wit, is your mother home?"

"You got ID?"

"I'll wait out here unless you want me to call her." Michael disappeared for a few minutes and Janice came outside barefooted.

"I'm sorry about that, I hope he wasn't rude but I can bet he was."

"I didn't expect less. Everything you said was true. We have to think about the future, about everyone, if we want to be together. It's not enough for me to just have feelings for you."

"I respect that."

"Wait. You were wrong; I'm much more in love with you than I'm attracted to you and we both know how much I want you in that way. But I haven't been here to score at the end; I've been here because I can't stay away. And yes I'm intrigued by you but that's because you're the most incredible woman I know and I suppose Janice Richardson is who I've always been in love with, even with a ring on her finger."

Alexandria, Virginia

"Maybe you took it the wrong way." Antonio rationalised when he didn't want to believe the truth.

"I know what she meant; you don't know how fickle she can be. Sometimes she changes like the weather."

"I can guarantee you; she doesn't want to die. She probably meant that's how happy she is."

"Convince yourself then try convincing me but I remember that look in the doctor's eyes. There's something she's never told _us_."

"Don't ask."

"But…"

"I've been there. Don't ask her; whatever it is just let it come because knowing everything will keep you up at night. You'll find some peace in ignorance babe, I know."

Bethesda, Maryland

Calvin got ready to leave after briefly meeting Michael and Chloe and spending a few hours with Janice. "That could have gone better." She said, humoured by their expected reactions.

"They're not as tough as they make out to be, are they?"

"Oh they're tough but they don't have a reason to show you their nice sides."

He stroked the back of her neck. "I'm sure you have a very nice side I've yet to see." He kissed her and it felt different because she was free.

"You'll see it. I have to check on Joshua."

"And I have an appointment with my personal trainer tomorrow morning. So, goodnight Ms. Richardson."

Alexandria, Virginia

"Loukoum's had a long night, I should take him home."

Nina got up from her comfortable spot on the sofa, feeling how tipsy she was as soon as her feet had to support her. "Okay."

"I've had a great time, you just wait for tomorrow." He kissed her affectionately on the forehead.

"Won't you drive me home?"

"I think it's better if you stay. Rest up."

Nina crashed on the sofa as he left and Jess and Giselle carpooled. "Nikki I swear you ran a bar in your past life, maybe a saloon bar in the Wild Wild West."

Antonio and Nicole looked at each other and laughed until she started coughing. Antonio passed her a box of tissues, draped a blanket over her and joined Nicole in the kitchen. "Stop cleaning, we'll do it in the morning."

"You know I'm a neat freak."

"Drop the 'neat' and we'll do it 'til morning."

"Is that how bad you don't want to clean?"

He lifted her up. "You be the judge."

When Nicole tiptoed across the cold floor downstairs to get her PDA in the early hours of the morning; she thought of clearing the tissues away but when she lifted one between her two fingers she saw blood on it and thwarted any chance of having the ignorance Antonio advocated.


	24. I who have everything and nothing

**Have you been waiting? Again, reading the whole fic is key. Especially with Chapters 24-26 (all done) Thanks to everyone. I'm trying to get to 600 hits so tell a friend and help me get there before I post Chapter 25 y'all. Luther Vandross and Marsha Wash's rendition of "I who have nothing" (all 7mins and 29secs) heavily inspired this chapter so check it out. Expect a lot from chapter 24 to 26 and feel free to tell me what you think and how you connected to them and in what way. Note to Alison and dretti, you don't know how many times I've cracked up over your reviews. Enjoy xxx  
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Nina tried to swat away the cold flannel Nicole put to her clammy forehead. "You're burning up, coughing, tired, coughing blood; don't you think it's time to be straight with me?"

"I do not cough blood...often."

"Ma…"

"This is why I don't tell you things, you overreact."

"You won't distract me, not today."

Nina sat up and pushed the blanket off. "Didn't you say other A.D.s were coming to meet you today?"

"It's six in the morning Ma, I have plenty of time to fight with you and still catch lunch."

"Damn it. Can't you leave it 'til tomorrow? It's my birthday,"

"Happy birthday Mom, what is it? AIDS?"

Nina leaned back to show how offended she was. "I do _not_ have AIDS. Never that."

"Then what? Don't make me reschedule."

"Toxoplasmosis spread to my lungs."

"Buy you told _me_ your viral load was up again."

"I thought that would be easier for you to deal with."

"You can't be serious."

"That's what I thought."

"What about Toussaint? I know you wouldn't do that to him."

"I…told him first."

"Wow."

"Nikki don't be mad, at this point I don't care."

"Stop saying that because _I_ care."

"I know that. I also know you'll have a wonderful life no matter what happens to me. I don't hold this all together, you do, and it's taken me a long time not to envy that. The truth is I've always had reason to be jealous; as a kid, your father loved you more, at thirteen, you were smarter than I've ever thought I was, and even now, you foot the bill at the fancy restaurants and work in a big ass office where everyone respects you. And don't get me started on Antonio. In my life I only wanted two things; my daughter and to belong so forgive me if having both makes me content but I have nothing to worry about from now on. And nothing to fear."

Washington, D.C.

"She's on the warpath." Agent Bright Owusu told Jess when he came back from Nicole's office. "Her words were, and I quote, if that greasy, snake-skinned motherfucker slips through our fingers once more she'll personally grind my ass into the ground with a wooden four-inch heel."

"_You_ wanted to find the escaped inmate and dumped me with the kid; I bet you regret it now."

"Come on Mastriani, we're a team."

"Then why do you pull rank on me every other case? It's your mess, you wear it." She flipped through the case report. "Where are the fingerprints?"

"Huh?" He smirked.

"The slide with the…bastard. Where are they?"

"If that's not an incentive to help I don't know what is." He gave her some pins for the table-sized map.

"Just so you know whatever I don't use today, will go in my voodoo doll."

"I know you want me but sorry, I like 'em thick. Anyway, Von Rollo escaped from Northern State in Newark and was sighted last night in Trenton, New Jersey."

"He's moving down the coast. We'll need helicopter surveillance in the area and I doubt he drove 230 miles."

"Why?"

"Because that requires a car and tha…"

"He stole one." Owusu interrupted.

"Maybe he took the train, the Fast Line, loads of people to hide between, a one way journey."

"He didn't have money and was wearing a prison guard's uniform. His face was all over the lunchtime news. You're telling me he waited to queue up, buy a ticket, wait with other passengers, pass the guards and barrier to get to the next station and did that all without being seen?"

"Could you be more obnoxious?"

"Take it out on me later. He hotwired a green '98 Sedan and drove to Trenton. Police report." She snatched it from him. "Maybe I do know what I'm talking about. So how about you have a vision and we take the jet that lands in four minutes." She gritted her teeth and refolded the map. "All that tension isn't good for an Agent."

"Neither are delusions of grandeur…" Her hand clung to the table as she had a vision.

Waldorf, Maryland

Nina's face didn't light up like it usually did when she opened the door to him; she didn't throw her arms around his neck and kiss him nor did she find a complimentary adjective to put before the word 'bastard' when greeting him. She took the flowers and the box wrapped in blue and pink polka dots and let him follow her in.

"Happy birthday?" Toussaint asked, wondering why someone who loved having everything revolve around her wouldn't be in better spirits.

"Not so much. I told her like you told me to so it's your fault."

"I don't think so."

"You don't have to deal with her when she's like that; she looks right through you like you're nothing."

"I'm sure she doesn't feel that way."

"Take her side."

"It's not about sides. It's about expecting more from people we love. She feels cheated."

"Do you know how I feel? I feel like I don't even know when I'll take my last breath; all I have left to do is die. Sometimes it hurts so much to breathe it's like someone caved in my chest with an iron slipper so excuse me if I can't play superwoman to her standards."

"I'm waiting for the ball to drop Nina, for you to realise nothing will be the same when you're gone. You don't know how frustrating it is for us, for me to love you, and you don't get it. We won't just miss you, it won't just hurt us; we'll be devastated. How do you think Nicole will handle it?"

"She'll go on like she always has."

"Just like that?"

"You don't know my daughter."

"Why did you bother getting to know her if you thought she'd be fine without you?"

"Because she's mine and she belongs to me."

"Doesn't she deserve to know how you really feel instead of thinking you don't care?

"She spent most of her life thinking I don't care, that's one thing I know she can deal with. But if she knew how much I'll hate leaving her behind, I don't think she can handle that because I can't."

"Tell her."

"No. There are some things between me and Nicole that you'll never understand and if you love me you'll accept that."

"But will she?"

Washington, D.C.

Desirée went over the bank statements from Ryan's birth to the present day during a slow day at work. She didn't realise how low on funds she was until that moment, and a big wedding hadn't helped at all. Colin came into her office, wearing a suit. "Field work." She said after giving him one glance.

"What?"

"I know you were on the field, you have that look on your face, so wearing the suit doesn't fool me."

He sat down. "I guess not. I was mind…"

"Don't explain; I'm satisfied you didn't get shot."

"What's all this?"

"Debt. All the hospital bills, x-rays, treatments and check-ups for Ryan and my dad cost much more than I thought. And then there's the wedding."

"$10,000 and we had it covered."

"Try $17,000. I'm gonna have to work until my due date to cover this."

"Des,"

"You don't know how expensive kids are and I missed so much work to take care of him."

"If you hadn't, he might not have been here today; you should appreciate what you did like I do."

"We can't afford to move when we'll need more space, there's day-care to think about and Prep Schools. Not to mention college for _two_."

"I don't know why you care about that stuff; we're good parents, we have a nice home; what else could a kid want?"

"You're not listening."

"I don't think money is worth all this stress; if it makes you happy give me the figure and let me solve it because the last thing I want is for you to be unhappy about having this baby."

"Why do you keep saying that?"

"Because every child deserves to be wanted and this is ours. I don't care if we have twenty."

"That better be hypothetical."

"I don't care if we live in an RV."

"Have you met me?"

"Because I know we'll want each and every one of them. So let me do the worrying."

"I worry about you too; about how you'll handle having a newborn and a toddler and no sleep and what you'll expect them to be for you that they can't."

"And what's that?"

"Your redemption."

"I never thought that."

"I have."

"Don't you want this baby?"  
"I do but I need you to want it for the right reasons. Not to act out what could have been if you and Leon were raised differently."

"That's easy to say when you don't have a brother who's serving fifteen in Ionia or a mom who turned up blitzed to meet her in-laws."

"I'm talking about you. The past will never be undone and can't be redone through our children."

"We have money." He replied, bypassing the topic.

"You have money; I have debt."

"It can't be that bad."

Bethesda, Maryland

Janice opened the door in an emerald green satin shift dress with matching earrings and shoes but her facial expression was unfriendly. "You're two hours late."

"I was tied up at the office."

"You could have called, now Joshua's tired."

He couldn't resist taking a dig at her. "Yet your night has just begun."

She wanted to reply but didn't want to be pulled into a futile argument before her date with Calvin. "So you're driving up to the mountains?"

"Fairfax. I'll bring them back on Monday."

She was going to say something about missing school but she didn't want to give him the satisfaction. "Sounds wonderful, I hope my weekend is half as fun."

"I heard about the Women of D.C. I can talk to someone about that."

"I don't want to be a member anymore."

"I thought they were your friends."

"Shows how little you know. I'm the shrew who turned her back on a perfectly good marriage and there's no place for a shrew at a fundraiser. Besides I have books to keep me busy."

"Is this what you wanted; camping trips and pancake days?"

"I wanted to share something much deeper with you but that doesn't matter now; the kids do." She cleared her throat. "I'll go and see what's keeping them."

Woodbridge, Virginia

Jess arrived hours late, with her hair in a mess and a bruise across her stomach from taking down the prison escapee on the concrete. He frowned at her, despite the little black dress that was supposed to make up for it all. "You're lucky I didn't make reservations and a patient didn't need me. I gave up my shift tonight." Tano said when he opened the door.

"You're not the only one who saves lives, you know. I flew here from New Jersey. So what if I'm a little late?" She let herself in. Drop Dead Fred was playing on Channel 14. "I thought this was our night."

"It is. Isn't it?" He snapped.

"Right." She looked at the wax pools the candles stood in and realised how many hours had passed. "You thought I wasn't coming?"

"I thought you _were_ coming that's why I…"

"…made an effort. So what are we waiting for?"

Waldorf, Maryland

Nina hummed Carmen Jones is going to Jail from the musical they saw that evening as she danced the steps she learned as a teenager. "Ball change, cat walk, chasses; that's all I remember before Miss Sharon kicked me out of Jazz class."

He took her hand in his and placed the other on the small of her back, they swayed to silent music. "She was jealous of your legs."

"That's where I learned to flirt…with her boyfriend."

"You always looked for trouble didn't you?"

"It found me. I love attention." She stroked his face with the corsage on her wrist. "And I always wanted one of these and now I have one. Thanks to you."

"You sound sad."

"I'm just tired. And in love. And happy. And um, sad. Because I can't thank you enough. Because I can't… I love you."

"That's all I need. I love you too. Let's watch it…the DVD from Antonio."

"I'm too tipsy."

"You're not, you'll love it."

"What is it?"

"Something you've never seen before, please?"

"What is it?"

"Shh." He played the DVD while she yawned and stretched on the sofa like a cat. The fanfare of a song she didn't know played and an old white guy with liver spots on his face gave a speech. Nina yawned again and he pressed fast forward until they could see Nicole.

"Three bags." Nina said, referring to the curly weave and fell from her blue cap. Nicole sashayed across the stage in an Admiral Blue cap and gown to receive the rolled paper. "Stop it. Stop the thing." Nicole pulled the rayon tassel to the other side and walked off the stage. "I didn't want to watch this anymore." The quality of the footage changed as the tape from home video camera show Nicole and her sorors dancing at a party later on. Their matching wine glasses and pink sweatshirts with DMP sewn in identified them as belonging. Nina switched off the TV with the remote though the DVD was still running. The Class of 1991 banner was still on her mind. "Damn."

"What's wrong? You should be…"

"Proud? I got out in '92 and looked for her. I went to Champaign expecting her to be there but she was long gone."

"So she went to college a year early, you can tell her that."

"She wouldn't believe me. All this time I thought I missed her; I thought I was too late."

"You weren't, she was ahead. He looked through all those boxes to find this so you could be there."

"Yeah. But I wasn't. I'm tired, are you staying?"

"Sure Just for a moment enjoy what you've seen and forget all that other stuff. Feel what it was like to be there."

"I do and it hurts in a good way."

Woodbridge, Virginia

"There's nothing you can do about it." Jess reasoned, tired of reliving her first time. "Chill out."

"That's easy for you to say."

"Actually it's not." She struggled to keep a straight face.

"Then why are you laughing?"

"I'm not. You're mad at me because you're crashing…and the other thing."

He pinned down her arms and shook her. "Stop laughing!"

"I'm not! What's wrong with you?"

He looked down at her. "Nothing."

"What did you do before I got here?" Her question went unanswered but she knew. "Is that why you can't…?"

"There's nothing wrong with me."

"Just because I've never seen you like this before that doesn't make it less true."

"I have everything under control."

"Not tonight and I don't think you ever did."

He got out of his side of the bed and she followed him into the ensuite bathroom. "Can't I take a piss in private?"

"Where is it?"

"It's gone."

"You mean to tell me you took all of it at once…because I was coming?"

He pushed her aside and unscrewed the caps of jars from the medicine cabinet. He stuck his finger inside and pulled out nothing. "Where is it?"

"Where is what?"

"No-one's in here but you."

Alexandria, Virginia

Antonio shared the last slice of chocolate cake for breakfast. "Aren't you glad we went?"

"Delighted." She replied with a twinge of sarcasm as she licked some frosting off his face. "It was bittersweet."

"Because?"

"Because when she's gone I'll never argue with her again or take her to her favourite show; in a way I'll always be alone. And before you jump in, it has nothing to do with us, she's just…irreplaceable."

Woodbridge, Virginia

Jess made herself some toast despite the waking body on the floor. She hadn't slept all night. "You're still here?" He asked as he rubbed the sore spot on his head and wiped the drool from his mouth.

"Yeah, I don't know why. Maybe it's the maple syrup."

"Let me explain. I must have had a really bad trip; I got it from a guy who…"

"I don't want to know. Maybe you snorted drainpipe cleaner."

"What happened last night?"

"You went crazy for the stuff, unfortunately not mine, broke the picture of dogs playing cards with your head, begged me to stay and then you fell asleep right there."

"I guess I lost it. You don't know what kind of pressure I've been under."

"Says the doctor to the FBI Agent."

"I thought something new would take the edge off…then you were late and it was all messed up from then."

"It was messed up when you beamed up Scottie."

"It makes me feel good."

"Exactly my point. It ruined our night just to boost your ego."

"Try to understand." He coughed and sneezed. "Confidence begets confidence."

"Meaning."

"I wanted you from the beginning but you couldn't see more than a white coat until I upped my game, took you out and showed you I could be that guy you can't say no to. I like being that guy."

"I like the guy who's nice to me, who listens and who doesn't try to be someone he's not. Do you think if you rammed the hell out of me I would've been more in love with you?"

"That's not it. Think about my reputation. Level-headed Dr. Glevau, the only surgeon who doesn't drink, smoke or curse to get through surgery, the one who volunteers to work extra shifts, who people and patients trust to save their lives. It's not easy being that all the time."

"Your parents rave about their doctor-son and how great he is and they think I'm a nice girl but they don't know half. I'm just like you; I lie so people won't be disappointed in me. But last night it dawned on me; it's not their truth I'm afraid of it's mine; that this is who I am and I have to decide what I need in my life."

"I need _you_ in _my_ life."

"But you can't have both. You tried last night, remember? And it hurt both of us."


	25. Down to Earth

**So people flocked to the fic and gave it major hits, thank you so much. I've been hesitant in posting this chapter for many reasons but here it is. Enjoy xxx  
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Alexandria, Virginia

_Three months later_

Nicole turned off the Pilates DVD and Jess took a seat. It had been months since they spent time together as friends as something was always in the way. Jess and Tano were on an unofficial hiatus meaning that she couldn't stop loving him, stay away from him or fully leave him either. "…and that's why I've decided to take all my leave at once."

Nicole's eyebrows danced as Jess gave her the unabridged version of what happened the week before. Part of her was impressed at how well Jess had concealed Tano's habit and another part was scared at what else he was capable of. "But…where are you going?"

"Mom and Doug are in Annaba and I haven't seen them in a long time; I want to clear my head."

"I hope this has nothing to do with Desirée's pregnancy."

"I don't have the energy to care about them anymore. The truth is I'm tired of all this."

"You don't have to run away from Tano, you can face him."

"I have faced him and it didn't do me any good."

"How so?"

"Well, all my 'serious' talk lost its meaning when we had sex. He has an addictive personality. Maybe I fell in love with him because I knew I couldn't have him completely; there had to be something wrong. But I'm not trying to change him. I just want to go."

"And do what? Try to forget about him? Because you won't, I know you, and he'll still we here when you come back."

"Nic, I don't know what to do next and I don't know where I stand but something has to change and I've realised that's me. If this is what happens when you let them get close to you, I was better off at the mall." She laughed feebly. "I'm telling you as a friend because I know you'll have to sign me off as an A.D."

"If that's what you want I'll do it. But only you know if you're better off alone and I think you should stay here. I'll miss you."

"Not that I've been the best friend. How's your mom?"

"Not good. Clarice called me last night; I don't know why she wants to know me all of a sudden. Maybe it dawned on her that she's gonna be alone and that does strange things to a person."

"What did she say?"

"She said when it happens I should call her."

"But you can't stand each other."

"I'm starting to think I don't have a choice."

Ionia Maximum Correctional Facility, Ionia, Michigan

Colin looked across at the sullen face he could only see through bullet and shatterproof glass. The phones he thought were ridiculous were the only way his brother could hear his voice. "You got my letters?"

"Yeah." Colin hated seeing his fraternal twin chained up like a dog. "I tried to bring pictures of the wedding but they wouldn't let me, she looked so beautiful."

"I know, you wrote about her. And Ryan, he must be getting big."

"Yeah. One day I'm gonna tell him all about you."

"Don't. Just teach him well and let him lead the way. I got a radio."

"Cool."

"It's better than nothing. What are you having this time?"

"I don't know yet, I missed the appointment to be here."

"Damn."

"She understands."

"Sounds like a gem, don't fuck around on her. I mean it."

"I won't. She sends her love and Mom would too."

"But she's still on the bottle. I bet your girl's a good mom."

"The best."

"Yeah, well she ain't yours."

"I know."

"You gonna keep writing to me?" Colin nodded. "I need them letters, man. And you can send me pictures, five per letter; I couldn't take it if they sent them back. Timeout's coming."

"Alright. I love you and I won't stop writing not ever and I am gonna tell them about you one day. About how we got caught up and turned away and how you being here made me who I am. Next time." Colin fought to hold back the tears.

"I love you and keep the letters coming. Next time." The guard moved closer and Leon stood up like a trained dog and put the phone down. Leon used their replacement phrase for 'goodbye' because he needed hope to keep him sane. He needed something to look forward to and believe in and with that, Colin left with his freedom, something they couldn't share.

Waldorf, Maryland

"Are you sure she won't mind us stopping in?"

"Toussaint left last week and she's probably watching Conchita give birth or something." Nicole opened the door with her key and Antonio loaded the fridge. "Call an ambulance!" Nicole yelled from the bedroom. Nina was slumped against the wall clutching her chest and gasping for air. Antonio ran in with a phone to find Nicole's face panic-stricken.

"I called them but we can drive to the hospital if you want. Nicole?"

"Yeah, yeah." She patted the clamminess off her mother's face not hearing anything he had to say.

"They'll be here soon."

"Sure," Nicole said for the sake of saying anything. The volume of life faded out and Nicole couldn't hear anyone, not even the paramedics or the machines in the back of the van. She could hear only the sounds of Nina breathing even when assisted by a gas tank. The colours blurred into a light grey and she couldn't think or see clearly; there was just confusion. In Antonio arms her knees buckled and the long wait, coffee runs and despair lay ahead. A doctor's arrival was greeted with her desperation for answers but the news he was an anaesthetist made Antonio hold her back from swinging at him. She could only recognise herself in her anger, because it was a safe, familiar, adrenaline-inducing feeling. Pollock arrived in less than an hour and with him and Antonio sitting either side of her Nicole was physically propped up when she felt her spine would snap from her fragility.

Bethesda, Maryland

Desire was still wiping sand out of Ryan's mouth by the time they got back to the apartment. "Do you think if I give him stickers he won't eat everything he sees?" She asked Colin, who was watching the Top 20 funniest sports injuries to distract himself.

"I guess." She squirted water at his mouth while leaning him over the sink. "How'd it go?" he asked over the presenter's voice.

"He was skinny."

"That bad?"

"It wasn't bad, it was…"

"Sour?"

"Yeah. I miss him."

"I know."

"He asked about you and Ryan."

"Because he needs family. I can write too."

"And say what?"

"And say he better think of names for his new nephew by the next visit."

Hyattsville, Maryland

Jess loaded the last of her bags to the taxi when Tano arrived. He was still wearing a white coat. "Africa Jess? Africa?"

"Algeria, Tano. There are _countries_ you know. As you can see, I have a flight to catch."

"We need to talk. You think you can leave without hearing what I have to say."

"You can say whatever you want Tano, and if you're lucky I'll listen, but I'm getting on that plane."

"Fine. I'm getting in that taxi." He sat down and slammed the door shut.

"You know this is ridiculous, right?"

"No. I would do anything to prove how much I love you and I'm not letting you go. Driver? Take her to the airport."

"You don't have a visa; you can't come with me."

"I can go to the airport and convince you otherwise."

"What do you want from me?"

"What I've been asking for since I met you."

"You almost had all of me but as always; I don't pick the right ones."

"I am the right one. I'm just like you; I've never had this much fun or known anyone the way I know you. Do you think I would have left mid-shift and left my wallet in my car if this wasn't important?"

"How do you know what's important?"

"You're important to me. That's all I need to know."

"That's not enough. I need to feel secure. I need to know you can be there."

Bethesda North Hospital, Bethesda, Maryland

"Nic," Antonio said gently. "We can see her now."

She shook her head to get a clearer picture of where they were. "Is she still alive?"

"Yeah."

"But she's unconscious." Pollock added. "And they put a tube through her nose, down her windpipe."

"Okay. How did you get here so fast?"

"I had her file marked, as soon as it got a hit like this…"

"Poof, you appeared. Do you mind waiting out here sir?"

"Not at all."

Antonio squeezed her hand and followed the doctor's directions to Nina's bed. She sat on the nearest chair. "Tell me something. Explain all this."

He knew how much a technical account would relax her because it couldn't play with her emotions. "Pulmonary toxoplasmosis; when toxoplasma gondii cells spread to the lungs, it causes the symptoms she's had for months; coughing blood, chest wall pain, coughing, fever, chills, shortness of breath…"

"Like when we found her."

He flicked through her file at the end of the bed, "the doctor is checking the amounts of oxygen, CO2, and acid in her blood at regular intervals."

"Will she be okay?"

"She might…and she might not. They gave her steroids for the inflammation but they weaken breathing muscles."

"I've been thinking about this every day since she told me. What our last words would be, how I'd feel, what she'd look like."

"She's still here. She could recover."

"The end would be the same."

Bethesda, Maryland

"I can leave if you want, this is awkward." Calvin whispered to Janice as she put some pizza in the oven.

"So what if they're back early? You make the salad and watch and learn. They won't take you seriously if you're scared of them."

"He looked worried."

"I'm used to it. John has emergencies at work all the time."

"Lucky for us, it didn't happen a few hours ago."

"True." They clinked wine glasses. "You really cut into my study time."

Michael cleared his throat. "Chloe wants to watch the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants marathon, stop her."

"I might. Calvin's a Bears fan too. He saw them win the Super Bowl in 1986." Michael nodded in approval.

"I have some tickets for the Wizards vs. Grizzlies game next Thursday. I can't make it but I thought you could take Joshua or a friend."

Janice gave him the 'be nice' stare. "Thanks." He replied emotionlessly.

Ronald Reagan _Washington_ National _Airport__, _Arlington County, Virginia

"So you're really going?"

"So say the ticket, passport and malaria tablets. Mom and Doug are waiting for me."

"What about the language?"

"I have some Arabic CDs from work and high-school French to fall back on. Don't worry."

"I've tried giving up but I don't feel like myself."

"I'll call you."

"And think about me?"

"…and think about you."

He held her face and kissed her desperately, attempting to make her stay. "Be safe."

"I will."

"I'll wait for you. I love you."

"I'll call you." She kissed him one last time before checking-in and rushing through security to the business lounge. There she could be alone and think about what she had to come home to and whether she would at all.

Potomac Park, Washington, D.C.

"I've never felt a baby kick before."

"You can put it in your next letter."

"What happened to the one I started?"

"Ryan's juice. I know they send back letters with any marks on them."

"They read all of them too. Can you believe that?"

"He's up for parole soon. Be thankful."

"He's spent ten years in jail. There's not much to be grateful for in that."

"He killed someone, and before you say it, so have you, so have I and so has the great Lieutenant Colonel Marcel Perrault, but I know if that boy was Ryan you'd want them to serve the sentence."

"He's my brother and he didn't mean to kill him."

"And you're right to love him unconditionally."

"But?"

"But he did kill him. You made a change and you have to realise you're not in that cell."

"That's not how it feels when I visit. Then I feel like a 15-year-old with three strikes waiting for the judge to throw the book at my ass."

"You got a second chance, never forget that. You chose who you are. You were there for me and I didn't have to ask."

"Do you ever? I just want my family together, whatever it takes. That's why I'm getting him all the help I can for this parole hearing. And you don't have to worry about money when our son's much more important."

"You can't do this all on your own."

"I won't have to." Desirée spotted that glimmer in his eye and shuddered.

Bethesda North Hospital, Bethesda, Maryland

"Her lungs weren't receiving enough oxygen through her blood which caused respiratory failure and HIV weakened her immune system making it harder to fight off the toxoplasma gondii cells in her lungs."

"So what now?" Nicole asked looking at her mother's porcelain still face.

"This could happen again, and without immediate attention she may not recover if it does. We've tried to drain her lungs but there's no cure to severe toxoplasmosis."

Nicole leaned against the wall. "Well, I know how this ends. I don't want her to die gasping for air. She wants to die with dignity."

"As the next-of-kin…"

"I know all that. She told me and she was right; this ain't living."

"The ventilator is helpful to most people until their lungs can function again."

"Will hers?"

"I can't say. She's an HIV patient, anaemic, there are competing factors here. It's best for her to stay on the ventilator, let's see if she recovers."

"And if she doesn't?"

"Then she passed away peacefully and you did all you could."


	26. We never know the whys

**Thanks to all the readers, you broke a thousand hits a few days ago. This is the penultimate chapter but I may write a continuation. In the meantime, if you want the final chapter by June 24th (instead of late September as I'll be busy 'til then) hit me up with some feedback ASAP, tell your friends, enjoy it over and over and put any comments, questions, things you need to have answered in Chapter 27 in your review. I accept anonymous ones so you don't have to be a member of the site to be heard. Many thanks to "a passer by" and I hope BlidLoveFreeSpirit let you know that I posted. Smooches to all. xxx  
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Nicole was no stranger to death and had seen her father die a macabre death and her mother die a cool, collected and calculated one. Nina didn't want to play any more games with time and despite the diagnoses, had decided her time was up long before any illness could kill her. She didn't want to fill the last hours with cries of love like a star of her favourite novela when the words that were most potent couldn't be repeated in desperation. She didn't want to hurt and hurt others anymore; she was ready to go and leave Nina and Carla Chambers in the ground with the things she had done. The doctor shook his head as he turned off the ventilator and filled out the report. He didn't understand.

Alexandra, Virginia

Nicole turned on the 80s channel and didn't look away from the Facts of Life marathon despite the number of calls that were coming in. Antonio didn't know what she needed because she was numb and emotionless. She couldn't eat and she didn't sleep for days. So he would hold her, handling her gently like an origami swan so delicate it could crush in the palm of his hand. Every now and then, her bottom lip would quiver as though she was about to say something but the lump in her throat rendered her mute. She was breaking and he couldn't stop it. On the fourth day, she uttered a few words. "I gave her everything, my best, all I know how to give. Why wasn't that enough?"

"I've asked myself that too many times. There is no answer."

"Just messages on the machine."

"Kelly, Moses, Toussaint, my mom, my sister, Pollock, Chisara, Clarice…"

"I can't deal with her right now."

"She wants to come to the funeral, if there's going to be one. Is there?"

"I'll call the Crematorium, that's what she wanted."

"Sleep on it."

"Why? I can't sleep. We have to do it sometime, this is what she wanted."

"Maybe you're not the best person to handle this."

"That's all I know how to do. I can't wait, I have to fix something."

Her hands rested in his. "I don't think that'll work this time Nic."

"Yes it will. Then I'll feel better, I'll feel like myself because doing is the only thing that makes sense in my life."

"This isn't supposed to make sense. My mom used to say, Dios tiene sus razones, guarda sus secretos y sabe que es mejor por nos. I used to believe her. But when Jabo was there in my arms I couldn't believe God had a reason for taking him like that."

"Why?" She cried. "Why?" She struggled to take in air. "Why?"

"I don't know but I'd give anything to know that secret."

"She was starting to be brave."

"I think she held out for the good times and let go when they stopped coming. It's not always fun to be strong or brave. It's not easy. But I'll tell you this; if I was her I'd live for you and I mean that. So can you do one thing for me?"

"What?"

"Get some sleep." He interrupted before she could protest. "And then you can be as busy as you want, 'cause I can't stand to lose you too."

Annaba, Algeria

Jess still struggled to get her head around seeing Toni wear a headscarf, as well as wearing one herself but gave in as they sat on the veranda. "So are you going to tell me the truth or do you want to mull over it for a little bit longer?"

Jess sighed. "Mom, can we go a week without talking about men?"

"We haven't seen you in two years; I know a man must have something to do with it."

"You won't like it."

"I'm your mother; I don't have to like anything but that doesn't mean you can't tell me. I hate your job but after six years I can tolerate it."

"His name is Tano."

"Maltese?"

"Yes, he has some bad habits. A bad habit actually, and I know it's not like me but it hasn't stopped me from being with him. And, um, if I go back to him I have a strong feeling I'll never leave."

"I hope you're not saying he hurt you because going back to him is out of the question."

"He…he has a habit."

"Do you?"

"Mom."

"Maybe you don't but you have done it, haven't you?"

"I know you wouldn't…"

"The reason why Joe and I made you promise is because drugs impair judgement. You don't know you're dealing with?" Toni didn't take a breath to let Jess answer. "How much of him do you know; the man before or after? I don't want anyone to hurt you and this isn't your problem."

"He had it under control."

"You can't be that naïve."

"He's a doctor."

"So what? That doesn't make it okay."

"I didn't tell you for a lecture. I want you to know because this is who I am and despite that I've loved him."

"What if he never stops?"

"I want him to."

"That's not how it works. My God, you can't change a man with good intentions Jess. You should know that by now."

"But I love him all the same."

Alexandria, Virginia

"It's all set." Nicole closed the yellow phone book. "And Clarice is coming."

"It's not about her Nic."

"I know and she won't take that day away from me."

"Have you thought about the apartment?"

"I'm having her clothes and furniture sent to a safe house in Baltimore and the rest is being boxed up and sent here."

"Movers?"

"I can't go back there. That's where we started over and that's where it ended for us."

"You don't mind people touching her stuff and going through her things?"

"I can't do it."

The crack in her voice made him resign. "Okay. Do you feel better?"

"No. I feel like I have to see it through like most things in my life and maybe find some meaning in it all."

"Reaching her was the hardest thing you've ever done but you made that connection. And that's why I know you'll get through this and take the right step afterwards."

Chevy Chase, Maryland

"He lifts weights Dad and I bet he takes steroids." He found Chloe's report and efforts humorous. "So naturally, I'd be better off here. You know, for my welfare."

He loaded the blender with the ingredients of a malted milkshake. "Is this how you win debates?"

"Sometimes. The final's on Thursday, you are coming?"

"I've cleared my diary for the entire evening. I wouldn't miss it. But you can't live here."

"Because?"

"Because your mother is a better parent than I am and everyone knows that."

"What about when she gets a job and starts lecturing and stops having time for us like you, then what?"

"She'll always have time for you. And I heard that. Why do you want to live here?"

"Because I don't want to be there when it happens."

"When what happens?"

"Change. Michael's leaving,"

"He's not even a senior yet."

"Mom's moving on."

"What about Joshua? He needs you around."

"He doesn't know how it was before. This'll be normal to him."

"Let's say you move in, won't you feel the same when I start moving on?"

"No I won't. Mom doesn't want you; you want her. So if she's with something else it's a choice but if you are, then it's because you have to."

"That's not the whole story."

"It's the gist. What I'm saying is I'm on your side."

"You don't have to choose."

"I already have, please let me stay here; I'll get good grades, I'll..."

"Do all the things you do at your mom's house. Chloe, you can't escape that feeling that you're missing something and don't know how to get it back. It has to run its course. Then you'll find a new…"

"Equilibrium." She rolled her eyes.

"Don't look so sad." He poured her a glass. "Take that; it'll make you feel better."

She slid off the stool and walked away from him. "They don't taste the same anymore."

Annaba, Algeria

Doug put ice down her back and watched her squirm and scream at his childlike prank.

"What was that for?"

"You've only been here for a week and already raised Mom's blood pressure."

"The way she spoke to me was too much to take."

"She's scared her precious little Jess will marry a basehead and can you blame her?"

"He's not a basehead; he's a cardiologist and a gentleman. And no-one said we're getting married."

"Except when he's acting like a fiend breaking pictures with his head."

"It was one time. I don't know why I open my mouth."

"Because you want us to care Jess. You want to pull us into it. We know you're a big girl now."

"You don't know the year I've had. Colin's married with a kid and a baby on the way."

"I know. We have our sources out here. Well. I do."

"He slept with me for an investigation."

"That's why he's in your past, Jess. So Frosty the Snowman is your rebound guy?"

"I wasn't on the rebound. I know Tano isn't perfect but I can't fight it."

"And what about us? Are we supposed to forget?"

"I want him."

"I don't know why you open your mouth either."

"Hey." She punched his arm. "I didn't come here for you to judge me."

"You came here to avoid dealing with your life like so many people do. Well this isn't a paradise just here for your escapism."

"You want me to leave?"

"I want you to grow up. If you want to 'walk in the air' with that doctor guy then don't ask for our permission. And when your nose ends up in your lap, don't think we encouraged you."

A few days later

"I keep thinking we're not supposed to be here; all of us. I think of how we can't all be here for my mother in this way as though it's not possible or logical or real. Because she didn't pass away; it wasn't sudden or long, shocking or welcomed, it just happened. And not just to her but to me. Like she was slowly fading but could never go away and she can't. Not when she lives in me, she can't. And I'm sad and I'm angry and I should have written something that has a beginning, middle and end; something complimentary about how we're going to miss her and who she was to all of us but I can't tell you what you already know. It's not that easy. She was misunderstood, complicated, stubborn; everything we don't want to be because we think it makes us less loveable when those are the reasons we loved her to begin with.

I asked her…forced her to fight so this day would come when I was ready for it, in about five more years, maybe ten, anytime but now. But I never considered what she was fighting for, other than me and time and another opportunity to tell me about myself. I suppose I wanted her to live for me as I did for her; selfishly and in fear. But I know we also did it lovingly and in hope that we could make that bond a little strong, laugh a little harder and fill the gaps of time we lost with something better. And we did. So raise your glass, not for libation to the good-time-gal who made good but, to Nina…and Carla Chambers for what was, what is and what will be."

Nicole sat on the bed and finally realised how exhausted she was, not just from that day, but from all the time and energy she had spent trying to be strong; digging deep in hopes of inspiring a desire to live. Her buried fears and submission to the inevitable had no reason to exist anymore as it had happened and she couldn't go back and change a thing. It dawned on her that she wasn't fighting for the preservation of Nina's life as much as her own; she had willed to maintain the shaky, strange but comfortable norm without thought that some things were out of her hands from the very beginning. But she missed her feet on the coffee table, superior memory for episodes she comically (and incorrectly) translated and oddly appropriate advice. So whether Antonio understood or not, she couldn't return to that apartment and be surrounded by Nina's world and ways because they were in everything she owned.

Clarice entered without knocking. "No-one in our family has ever been cremated. What's wrong with a normal funeral?"

"She wasn't normal."

"And the reception. Cocktails in a bar? And can I say that speech was ridiculous?"

"You didn't know her. It was perfect."

"It was supposed to be a solemn affair."

"For who, you?"

"That was my child, have some respect."

"I loved the mother who hurt and abandoned me; you couldn't love an innocent child."

"She was a bad seed. She deserved to be punished."

"You were a bad mother and have no shame; when is your lightning bolt coming down?"

"A cruel mouth and a sick sense of humour; just like your father. She would have been so much better off without him."

"Then you wouldn't be here to torture me. Why are you here?"

"Because I wasn't uninvited. For once."

"What do you want with me?"

"I want to look at you and see if what they say is true."

"And what's that?"

"That you look like Ray but you don't, you look my sister Dassine. Anyway, I'll get to the point. When your grandfather died in Florida…" With his other family. "He left the house to Carla but now she's gone, it's your property."

"I don't want a house. I have a house. We're standing in it."

"As I live in it and take care of it, I think it's just that you sign the papers over to me and I'll be on my way."

"Come on Clarice, you know I'm in the FBI. You didn't come for that. I can sense it. "

"I need you to do something for me."

"And what's that?"

"Bury me when I die; in a decent coffin, nothing flashy."

"I can do that."

"I see you don't have any kids, you're lucky."

"I wouldn't say all that."

"I would. It's a long, long life and they just get in the way; forcing you to change." She eyed the jewellery box that used to belong to her. "What are you going to do with the ashes?"

"Scatter them in Grant Park. Go on, mock me."

Clarice exhaled and contemplated taking her up on her offer. "Don't forget."

"A respectable church service, with your arms crossed in a wooden casket and an organ playing His Eye is on the Sparrow."

"Thank you."

Bethesda, Maryland

"This can't carry on John, Chloe should come home."

"She will on Thursday, after her team wins the final debate."

"You shouldn't entertain this. Chloe's not old enough to choose where she lives or what's best for her."

"Cut her some slack; you let Michael stay at Jaleel's when he needs to cool down."

"That is different. And what do you mean by cut her some slack? I'm not hard on Chloe."

"No, you're just softer on Michael."

"I have to study."

"Or run."

"I do not run away from you. We agreed you would have the children on weekends and in emergencies."

"This is an emergency. She's not herself."

"They're called growing pains for a reason."

"Kiss Joshua for me."

"Don't hang up. I know our relationship has been strained since everything came out in the open but I won't stop trying to fix it until it gets better. Staying with you isn't helping us to do that."

"So what's your plan Janice; to bring him around enough times for her to feel alright with it? She won't. Maybe you should care more about her feelings when you bring another man into her father's house."

"Don't make this about Calvin."

"Don't make this about you and your spite for me."

"Spite? You dangle our daughter in front of me like a carrot and I'm spiteful? You don't want to see me living my own life; well I am and I'm doing fine without you."

"Thursday. Night."

A month later,

Annaba, Algeria

Jess folded away her clothes and packed the things she had bought into a small trunk. Doug sat on the bed, not helping, hoping she would stay. "So you're going back to work?"

"Of course. I love my job."

"What about Tanner?"

"Tano. We'll work it out."

"And if you can't?" She didn't answer him."What about Nicole? I mean, how is she?"

"We didn't talk about it, which probably means she's back to normal."

Alexandria, Virginia

His hand gently grazed over her stomach as if he was learning how to touch her again or she was so sensitive he didn't want to stir her.

"Are you scared?" She asked.

"Why do you ask?"

"Because. Are you?"

"I don't know. There are so many feelings in this house; I can't think of bringing more to the surface."

"Why not? We've never been good at holding back."

"Maybe this time, we should. She's gone Nic. Gone. And I don't know where you're at...mentally." He slurred the last word so as not to provoke her.

"If you think I'm looking for comfort; I am. If you think I want a distraction; you're right. But if there's one thing I know is permanent, it's the way we make each other feel and we've never failed at that. Never. I don't know what you expect from me; I've stayed off work like you asked, I even entertained Cristina's 'mom' act for you, all I ask of you is this one thing."

"And what's that?"

"Not to look at me like I'm in mourning; even though we are."

"I don't know if I can do that. I see it happening again and again and I can't stop it. Even though I try, I can't. I hear him crying for me, he didn't even know I was holding him. I can't get it off my mind. And I know I'm selfish, I know I want you here for me but..."

"It's how you feel and I can't blame you. I guess you didn't face it the first time but if there's one thing this has taught me; it's that you can't run or hide from anyone or anything."

"Not even Clarice?"

"Not even Clarice."

Bethesda, Maryland

"This is not what I call help, Colin."

"Six months tops."

"Leaving me alone with two kids, a toddler and a newborn, worrying about where you are and what's happening to you, and that's supposed to help us?"

"I can't leave him in there like an animal Des, you of all people know how important family is."

"Don't put this on me."

"You're always thinking about money."

"Debt, Colin, debt."

"See? You clench your jaw, get all tense, read through old bank statements over and over; I want it to stop."

"I know some people who know some people who could get Leon an attorney."

"I want the best and the best costs. I know I can't put a price on his freedom or your peace of mind but if I can just..."

"Stay away from us for six months; it'll all be better. Ridiculous." She pushed the tray of chocolate off her lap, heaved herself up off the sofa and walked away from him.

"I don't know what else to do." He admitted, as she folded Ryan's clothes from the tumble drier. He stopped her by putting his hand on hers. "If there was a better solution I'd go for it but I don't see how we can make up the money otherwise. That's why I put in so many extra hours."

"I know that but you don't know what it's like to have that fear in the pit of your stomach."

"I've done it before and so have you; I'll be fine."

"I don't want to have another baby on my own and what if you don't make it back?"

"I can't think of that."

"Well I do. A lot." She clutched her stomach and crouched over. His face became as white as a glacier.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You should lie down."

"So should you; don't faint on me."

"You've never done that before."

"I guess our baby thinks it's a bad idea too."

"So what; we struggle and Leon gets a civil lawyer?"

"No, we use our contacts, call in favours, plead, whatever we have to do to get him a defense attorney and keep us together. Don't break my heart,"

"What?"

"Don't do this to me again. Don't leave me here alone to have another baby by myself. Please." She growned and leaned into the wall.

"What's wrong?" The colour that had returned to his face drained away. "Des, you're scaring me."

"It's probably nothing, I'm just tired."

"It's stressing you out that much?"

"More than money ever could. Look, I know you love your brother and you want him to be free; but what happens if you lose this family...or we lose you?"


	27. What lies ahead part 1

**I thought about it and one chapter isn't enough so I'm doing the finale in two because you alll deserve it. xxx  
**

* * *

_Three months later_

Chevy Chase, Maryland

Chloe collapsed onto her new bedspread and Pollock brought in the last of her boxes.

"You know you have to unpack all of this."

"I know."

"And you have to keep it clean..."

"...and do all the things I do at Mom's. I know Dad."

"She sat up and pulled her legs into a ball. "I'm just glad to finally be here."

"It's just for the semester Chloe, so you can get settled at Cleaver."

"If you say so."

"It's not that I don't want you here. If you ever want to go home, I mean to your mom's house, you can go with no questions asked. I want you to know that."

"Okay."

"And I know I'm not that good at this talking thing but I have a team of trained professionals who can,"

"I'm okay Dad. Really. I don't expect you to understand it or believe me but I feel much better already. I am hungry though."

"I have Chinese leftovers...or something healthier, actually I'll cook you something from scratch."

"Beef Stroganoff with Dauphinoise Potatoes?"

"Cream of Chicken soup with bread it is."

"Cool. Can I ask you something?"

"Will it incriminate me?"

"Maybe."

"Shoot."

"Since when did you play golf?"

"Since I had the time to devote to the game; unpack."

She rolled her eyes and went through the box closest to her, relieved to finally be home. She pulled out her mp3 player, mini speakers and a ball of tangled beaded jewellery. When she got to the bottom; she took out the pregnancy test wrapped in tissues. Unaware of whether the result or its existence mattered more, she kept it to herself and harbored a secret Michael, Janice and Pollock couldn't handle.

Hyattsville, Maryland

Jess powered up the foot spas that Nicole carried out of her boot. If it was someone else she would have thought their efforts to bond were overdone but it was Nicole and spending was habitual.

"...he stopped calling, just like that?"

"I don't know why men always give up just when I want them to fight for me."

"Maybe something happened to him."

"I don't think so. He's acted strange since I got back so he's probably with another woman. God help her." Jess knocked back another glass of Cava and tried to deliver her next sentence with subtlety. "I won't bring it up if you don't want me to."

"Bring up what?"

"We've talked about everything but your mom."

"I talk about her."

"Not with me. There's nothing you can't say Nic."

"Toussaint calls me every month and visits every time he's in D.C., Clarice invites me to Chicago because she's alone, Antonio keeps bringing it up and I don't know what they want from me; to make me open up or to make them feel better."

"They want you to make peace with it; to sleep a little easier."

"I have peace Jess. We had times when we just knew, and we didn't have to speak or think about it, we were one. It's hard to go from one to just me again. She changed me. All that time we spent fighting she was teaching me, to love harder, to hold him tighter, why I have his heart and why I have to hold on. Is that good enough for you?"

"That's lovely."

"Don't get soft; I'm still A.D."

"Whatever."

Days later,

DEA Headquarters, Washington, D.C.

"Agent Perrault?"

Desirée looked up at the flushed face between the door and the pane and refrained from correcting another agent with her name. "What's going on?"

"There's a woman here to see you, well she claims she knows you, and she's inebriated."

"Five-four, dirty-blonde hair, functional but not quite, with a tattoo of a broken heart on her forearm?"

"How did you...shall I send her in?"

"No. I'll see to her, and hold my calls until I get back."

Desirée took her out of the building to a nearby park. "You should have called me; I would've picked you up from the airport."

"I took the bus...the train...the...hell I'm here."

"Lucia,"

"Call me Lucy."

"Lucy, let's get you something to eat."

"I'm not hungry." Her breath conveyed her thirst. "I came to see my baby boy on his birthday."

"It's not Colin's birthday; it's Ryan's."

"I know that. Colin's too big for the sweater in my bag and the blow-up ball pool."

"That's really...sweet of you. You remembered?"

"I never had a grandson before. Colin didn't tell me you were having another one."

"He's forgetful."

"I'll pick up the boys and get the party started." She shouted the end of the sentence and an old couple walking their dogs stared.

"I don't think they should...I'll have you driven back to the apartment, you can rest and then..."

"When'd you get off work? I bet it's late so let me get them and..."

"Lucy; this isn't a good idea. You don't even know where the boys are, and how will you get them home?" Lucia grumbled. "What brought you here?"

She pulled a letter out of her bra. "Leon. You know he was the smart one and now he's in a box."

"He could get paroled. We're working on it."

"The best thing he could do is get as far away from us as..."

"Possible?"

Lucia unscrewed the cap on a lemonade bottle. "Yeah, that."

"Let's go, I have to get back to work."

Bucktown, Maryland

"Anything new?" Jess asked when Owusu joined her at the diner.

"I looked into accident reports from the past weekend and I found something you'll want to see."

"Enough with the drum roll, what is it?"

"An unidentified woman in her early twenties was hit by a car in Preston, the perp sped off and she has no medical insurance so her records didn't come up on the system."

"Is she okay?"

"It was a slow night so a nurse treated her against regulations. She had a concussion and a sprained ankle but other than that she's fine."

"Can she ID the perp?"

"I ran the license plates from the CCTV footage and it was your boyfriend."

"I don't have a...no."

"Sorry, but your man was involved in a hit and run."

"He can't have been."

"Was he with you on Saturday night?"

Jess knew Nicole was the only company she had that weekend. "Maybe."

"If he wasn't, think twice before lying. You don't want to lose your whole career over this and more."

"Like you care about me."

"You've grown on me Vision Girl and you're my partner. Even when I take all the credit for the cases, and I will, remember that."

"Damn it."

"We found the girl so you're free to roast him."

"I'll do my report first thing tomorrow."

"Tell that to Boss Lady, I don't care what you do."

"Yes you do, in fact you want to watch."

"It would be entertaining, but no. See you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow."

Bethesda, Maryland

Desirée had a rapid shower because the boys were in a playpen under Lucia's eye and she didn't trust her. Although she had been accommodating, she still felt uncomfortable around a woman she knew so much about and respected so little. Although she and Colin had many conversations about how she grew up, she neglected to tell him she bore some of her parents' prejudices namely against substance abusers. Her clothes were damp from how quickly she had put them on after the shower and she found the boys in the same spots she left them, transfixed on an episode of Arthur. Lucia gave her the phone.

"Desirée McNeil?"

"This is she."

"It's Anesh Kerala."

"I've been waiting for your call."

"I looked into Leon's behavioural and progress records since he's been in prison; he completed his GED, has some college credits and is a keen reader. I understand he was involved in the basket weaving programme."

"He makes toy cars too. Colin wrote a list, I know it's somewhere."

"No worries; fax it to me. The original sentence was eighteen years for armed robbery and murder in the second degree because of his age at the time and that's what we're going to contest. His productivity in the time he's spent in prison and good behavioural records show his reformed character and employable skills. The parole hearing is over a month away so we must prepare. When can you come in?"

Woodbridge, Virginia

"Surprised to see me?" Jess asked, forcing her way through the door.

"I've always known you to push and pull, I suppose this is the pull part."

"I deserve that."

"I'm not trying to judge you. I don't know why you're here; you asked me to leave you alone and I listened to you."

"I've had some time to think and I now know see too much of myself in you and I was scared of what that meant."

"Because I do blow from time to time?"

"Because we all have our vices."

He snickered, "Yeah, been to the mall lately? Listen Jess, I can't change. I can pretend but I can't do it and for you to expect anything different is naive and I don't need it. I became a doctor because it's what my parents wanted. So now, after thirty years of being what was expected of me, I think I've earned the right to do whatever I want."

"Like hitting that woman with your car."

"That was a mistake."

"You deserted her. She could have died."

"I wasn't speeding."

"That doesn't matter. I don't care if you bumped her with the car, if she walked into it or if you slammed her at 200 miles per hour. You hit her because you were high."

"I wasn't."

"So you hit her on purpose? You knew her? You wanted to hit someone, anyone in the way? You had somewhere to be and you didn't think you'd make it on time?"

"Stop."

"You thought she was me?" You wanted her to be me?"

"Jess, just be quiet."

"She could have been me. Couldn't she?"

"What do you want from me?"

"I want you to say it. Say you were high and it could have been fatal. Tell me something that drives home once and for all that you're no good for me. Say it. Say I should know better and I'm crazy for having all these feelings."

"Jess,"

"So you weren't high? So you hit her of your own accord? Because you weren't watching the road or because you reached for your cell or....?"

"Shut it. You don't need a police report to think I'm no good for you just like you don't need me to be around to like coke." She couldn't say anything back; smart, sharp or otherwise. "It's already inside you; having sex with all those guys at the restaurant, snorting lines and raving 'til 7a.m., that's all you."

"No."

"Then why couldn't you say it? Why didn't you say no? Ever?" He reached for her arm and she stepped back. "Jess."

"What? What Tano? What?" Her voice increased with every phrase and his ability to speak decreased. He didn't reach for her; or try to touch her again; or chase after her; or promise he wouldn't snort cocaine again; or ask her to stay; or suppress the reality with a physical distraction; so he let her walk.

Bethesda, Maryland

"Lucia, Lucy," Desirée called her name softly after putting her sons to sleep. Lucia's round features and red cheeks made her look like a child. She couldn't tell whether she was asleep or unconscious so she left her on the chair with a blanket as a cover, never asking if she would leave or for how long she would stay. In her eyes, Lucia was ill and, like Ryan, needed to be nursed back to health. It was only until, one night weeks later after she fell asleep, Colin returned with conflicting looks of longing and disdain in his eyes. She reached for the gun under her pillow on hearing footsteps and he stopped her.

"Des, it's me." She sat up and turned on the lap on the nightstand. "What is she doing here?"

"Tomorrow."

He brushed it off with a wave of the hand and sat on the side of the bed. She was lying uncomfortably over the covers. "I missed you...but not the birth. I told you I'd make it back in time."

She sighed. "I'm so over this, he's coming out tomorrow."

"Is that safe?"

"Sure it is, 37 weeks and not a day later. I'd rather induce than have another sleepless night."

"If it's okay with the doctor, it's okay with me. I don't know why she's here Des but I don't want her around the kids."

"We can't just kick her out."

"I'll get her to leave."

"She needs help."

"Rehab is wasted on her; it doesn't work. You think she hasn't done it before? 28 days sobriety celebrated at the liquor store."

"Colin,"

"You know why she's here? Why she remembers Ryan's birthday and not ours even though it's tattooed on her? Because he looks just like him. She's depressed, guilty and drunk. But she'll never cry for me; she's blitzed because the smart one is in jail and I'm free." He put on a different jacket.

"Where are you going? It's late."

"I need a walk."

"You just got back."

"I'll be back in 10."

"Stay with me."

He gave in. "How does she do this to me?"

"You care and it's not a crime."

"You're right; it's a prison."

"She needs help and I'll never stop believing that. Isn't that what we all need?"

Bethesda, Maryland

Michael watched Janice for weeks without saying anything about her strange behaviour. "Are you okay, Mom?"

"Sure, it's just a headache; I guess lecturing is more stressful than I guessed. There are papers to mark, students to see, faculty meetings to attend..."

"Is that it?"

"What else would it be?"

"Chloe. Calvin. Dad."

"Chloe needs some quality time with your father and Calvin is just fine."

"What about Dad? What about you?"

"I don't want to discuss this Michael. You should be studying for the SATs. I'm fine."

"No-one knows, do they?"

"Michael,"

"If you're gonna have this kid,"

"What are you talking about? I'm not pregnant."

"Then whose...what's going on? You wouldn't have let Chloe go if,"

"Calvin asked me to marry him."

"What did you say?"

_A month later,_

"I thought you were happy about it." Colin said as he assembled her free-standing mirror in their new bedroom.

"It's not my decision to make."

"So you think he doesn't deserve a second chance?"

"What I think doesn't matter; he's out now and he has to decide what he wants to do with it."

"Come on Des, let me in."

"When we were undercover, some kids broke into my parents' house. Mom was downstairs asleep in front of the TV because of the Dynasty marathon, so when Dad heard them he grabbed his Colt Revolver but he didn't know one of them was waiting outside their bedroom. And they struggled for the gun and that kid pushed him back...and Dad fell down the flight of stairs and broke his back. A veteran nearly paralysed by a teenager. Then I moved back to Louisiana to be with them and to have Ryan and I used all my savings to make sure he could walk again."

"Surgery?"

"Spinal fusion. I think about those kids and how they didn't mean to do it, how young they were and why. And I think our family will never be the same and there's nothing that can undo it. But at least there's justice."

"You never told me that."

"I don't like to talk about things that broke my father. So excuse me if I don't greet the idea of Leon living with us with open arms."

"I can arrange something else."

"With what money? I appreciate what you're trying to do for your brother but you can't fix my feelings about this and you can't change them. So just..." Her sentence was cut off by a strong contraction.

Washington, D.C.

"Hey, Vision Girl, stop sleeping on the job." Agent Owusu rubbed her shoulder.

"I wasn't sleeping, I was thinking."

"Your ex got a $2000 fine so he won't be tossing salads anytime soon."

"What?"

"Dr Tano Glevau, he wasn't charged for hitting her with his car but he was charged for possession."

"When?"

"Last week when you were blocking me out."

"Sorry about that. Possession of what?"

"An 1/8 ounce of cocaine. You don't look surprised."

"I am."

"You aren't."

"You don't know me."

"I know this explains a lot. You've been all cagey about him,"

"That's because you're always trying to get in my sheets."

"Or because you have a habit of your own. Look, I'm not judging. I'm an asshole on occasion but never a snitch; so if you've been snorting a little before work I'll lay off."

"And if I haven't?"

"Then I wanna know what the hell you're doing with a cokehead M.D."

"I don't have to answer to you."

"You do if it puts me under scrutiny. He only got off so they can watch him and find out who his supplier is."

"The DEA is following him? Who's in charge?"

"Desirée McNeil. So tell me now; is there anything I should know?"


	28. What lies ahead part 2 END THANK YOU ALL

**I have enjoyed this journey immensely and thank you for being a part of it. Many thanks to BlindLoveFreeSpirit, dretti, Alison, ImaginationOnTheLoose, EndlessDreamer1024, saturn567, a passer by and eveyone who has read, enjoyed, cried for, felt and lived in this story. Not only do I raise a glass to Nina and everyone she represents past and present but to the people who surrounded her, the family, friends. healthcare professionals and lovers who fight and love that much harder. Enjoy the trivia at the end. The end. God, that sounds final. Well, who knows/xxx  
**

* * *

Hyattsville, Maryland

His eyes danced around the room then settled. "Nice place, Vision Girl."

She gave him a cold Tiger Beer that had been chilling for months. "This is the closest you'll get, Owusu. What kind of name is "Bright" anyway?"

"At least Bright connotes light, vision and intelligence. What does Jessica mean? _Bimbo_."

"You got me."

"I never figured you for the snow type, guess I was wrong."

"I'm not an addict."

"You just handle it better than he does."

"Hey, this is my turf. Sometimes I want to escape it all; the Bureau, the responsibility,"

"What about the man?"

"He's just like me."

"Whose fault is that?"

"What do you mean?

"Were you always like him or did you become that way?"

"I don't know and I don't know why Desirée's on his case either. Why is she running it?"

"Because she works for the Drug Enforcement Agency." His sarcasm went unappreciated. "You think she's got a grudge against you?"

"I shot her husband, I fought with her and she can't stand me. She has his kid and another coming, she has the ring; she has him. And what do I have? A coke-snorting doctor of an on-off boyfriend."

"And a co-worker to keep your secrets."

"If this is the point where you push up on me because you think I'm vulnerable you're wrong. You have redeeming qualities but you can't help."

"You want to be the best Agent you can be? Let it go. Let go of the emotions that make you weak and irrational. Let go of the love you have for Tano and Colin, the jealousy you have for Desirée, and the guilt for what you've done. Then you can move on and do whatever you want. You can endure all the horror this job shows you, you can sleep with whoever you want without leaving a trace behind and you can let me love you...or not. See? It's easy."

Bethesda, Maryland

Desirée returned home to find Colin packing Lucia's things into laundry bags. Flat, folded cardboard boxes leaned against the wall. "What are you doing, and where's Ryan?"

"He fell asleep at the food scene in Hook. You know; his favourite." She gestured towards the bags with puzzlement. "She left rehab so she has to leave here."

"You can't..."

"We need a fresh start. I found a place, a bigger one, it'll take longer to get to work but the rent is the same as here. And we'll need more room seeing as Leon got parole, thanks to you."

"Great for him. So we celebrate by kicking out your mother. This is so wrong."

"Say that when your mom's been an alcoholic for as long as you remember. I'm tired of waking up and seeing her here every day. I'm sick of it."

"Where is she?"

"Somewhere between here and Michigan."

"She'll never go away Colin. You have to face her."

"No I don't. I'm doing fine without her and she's not your responsibility."

"She'll never do this on her own."

"She'll never do it period. The worst thing you can do is hope for something when it'll never happen."

"I guess that's the difference between you and me. That hope keeps me alive."

"What if she comes back on Ryan's birthday or mine or ever and ruins everything, what then?"

"She can't take this life away from you, from us. You've got to believe that." His face went ice-white as she crouched and clutched her stomach.

"Is it...?"

Hyattsville, Maryland

The half-eaten tray of chocolates sat on the coffee table, inviting their consumers to devour more than lay before them. "Why her?" She asked, as though he had the answer.

"Because. The fact is; you choose us long before we choose you. That's how we fall."

"_You_ don't. I've seen you at the bar with a different woman for every state."

"It's not about sex. Sex is nothing but what it represents when we're having it. It was bad, wasn't it; as incomplete as the relationship? He couldn't fulfil you anywhere unless you were out of it. Tell me I'm lying."

"I think...I've had enough wine, enough chocolate and enough you...truth, I meant truth."

"Sure you did."

"Were you serious about keeping my secrets?"

"What do you want to say?"

"I'm lost. Somewhere deep inside my heart is broken and I can't make it better. That's why you need to stop coming onto me 'cause sleeping with you would take me back. And I don't want to go back there."

"I can take the hint Jess. Goodnight."

_Two months later,_

Baltimore, Maryland

"Hey." Leon navigated his way around their new kitchen.

"Hey, coffee?" Desirée offered as she sterilised bottles and prepared a pot to keep up with Shawn's demands.

"Sure, night shift."

"You found something?"

"Cleaning offices downtown; the pay sucks but hey...I'm not trying to get between you and my brother."

"I know. Milk, sugar?"

"Black and strong, thanks. I saw Ryan's tractor was broken, I can have a look at it tomorrow."

"You don't have to do that."

"Let me?"

"Sure."

"I heard about Mom leaving rehab and going back to Michigan. You tried. We've all been there but Colin's right; she always crawls back into the bottle."

She sighed and sat down at the card table. "I couldn't live with seeing my mother like that. Then again, I've never had to; the most frivolous thing my mother did was marry an Army man."

"You moved around a lot?"

"Yeah, but we were together."

"We weren't. Physically maybe, but a family is the last thing I'd call us."

"Then why did Colin go so far to get you out? There's no other feasible reason."

"I should've seen that coming."

"Believe it or not, I don't have a problem with your being here. My problem is with what you did. But I'm not judging you and you have a home. So maybe you shouldn't judge Lucy because she doesn't."

"I've been alone for a long time and the only reason I'm here is to feel a fraction of what he's been feeling. And I'd like you to tolerate that, even when you don't like it. By the way, she drank that '94 Napa Valley you were saving." He kissed her cheek and took the coffee with him.

Chevy Chase, Maryland

Chloe wasn't surprised to see Janice at her father's house because she knew she had to come back for what she had taken. "Are you home alone?"

"No, Dad's putting a slide in the backyard for Joshua."

"Good. We can talk."

"Can we?"

"I'm not here to argue."

For once, she saw the house on the inside. "Why didn't you tell me you're getting married? And you're pregnant Mom, you're pregnant."

"Chloe, I'm not. I'm not getting married and I'm not pregnant. It was a false positive and a huge wake-up call."

"What do you mean?"

"I've made a lot of mistakes and the biggest of all was you. I let you go away because you're the truth and I'm sorry. I wanted and needed to prove I could do this alone, that I could move on, and I never thought I should be holding on to you stronger than ever. And here you are, at arm's length. I'm so sorry."

"I only moved here because you didn't need me anymore; Dad needs me."

"No, I need you. I forgot that your happiness is mine and we'll never be happy until we're together again. Come home."

"What about Calvin?"

"Calvin is...someone I need fit into this new life of ours but not until it's better. I jumped the gun on that."

"What about Dad? If I go, if I leave him, what would he think?"

"You can't leave him; you're his daughter and he won't think any less of you than he does now."

"I don't want to come home to be part of a broken family."

"We may be apart..."

"_Divorced_."

"Okay _divorced_, but we don't have to be broken. Not when the love is so strong."

Alexandria, Virginia

Toussaint walked through the open glass sliding door to find Nicole fighting to close the not-so-small suitcase that was supposed to be a trolley dolly. Sitting on it and zipping one stubborn corner, she looked up at the man Nina christened Chocolate Ken after a Living Single marathon. "Phones don't work from Honduras, huh?"

"Glad to see you too, Nicole. Finally, the workaholic becomes her mother's daughter. Life _is_ for the living." He helped her up with his right hand. "How are you?"

"I'm...pretty good. It's our fifth anniversary the day,"

"...after tomorrow. I know, Nina called it 'the day you became mortal and finally let God do his _thang_'."

"Yeah, that's her."

"Where are you going?"

"Costa Rica."

"Then let me leave you with a parting gift."

"You don't have to give me anything. I only wanted you to love her."

"Take it all the same. I'm moving back to Cameroon, to work within my own border. And if you ever need or want anything, it's never hard to find me."

He left the same way and she finally overcame the suitcase and then, her curiosity overcame her. She unwrapped a well-worn vinyl of Regina Belle's 'If I could' and didn't have to play it to know the words or to hear the rasp of Nina's former smoker's voice again and smile.

* * *

**Again if you need a link for the music I mention, PM me.**

**Toussaint, the name I got from Toussaint L'Ouverture and Toussaint Jones from "For Colored girls who have comsidered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf". I wrote him because I wondered what would happen if Nina met her match and yes, I can see how you could fall in love with him BlindLoveFreeSpirit. One of my favourite original characters ever.**

**So many doctors in this. Janice, Nina and Jess are all involved with them, why? Because they're so revered in society but usually live unexpexted lifestyles. In a way there's only so much they can do, and dealing with life isn't as straightforward. Maybe because of the notion of a doctor being a catch and my desire to play with that. You decide.**

**Jess and Colin - I find it hard to write them as a couple becuase I don't believe in it. There, I said it. The relationship seemed one-note to me. **

**I made up the novela A.J.E. because that's what I do. It means Love Never Ages. You can dispute that all you want, I never said it was true.**

**What else? I get really annoyed with people who don't know the difference between HIV and AIDS. Or those who think people die of AIDS. You don't. Like Nina and Javier, people die of AIDS-related illnesses or other life-threatening illnesses that the immune system is too weak to fight. tibotec dash hiv dot com folks, it's just a starter. We all have so much to learn.**

**Thank you all so much for being a part of this. Much support to whatever fics YOU come up with.**


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